


How Strange, The Form of Fear

by rhye



Category: Harry Potter - Rowling
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2010-02-02
Updated: 2011-07-02
Packaged: 2017-10-06 23:10:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 28
Words: 71,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/58756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rhye/pseuds/rhye
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Beginning in the Marauders' 5th year and ending somewhere at present. In school, Remus and Sirius perform a complicated spell to marry their thoughts in a subtle but intricate union. They assume they will be together forever. They assume that misunderstandings aren't possible when you can read your partners' emotions. They will find out how wrong they were. Starts out almost entirely fluff, angsty ending.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

How Strange, The Form of Fear: Prologue

James had noticed the whispers, the books passed across study hall and complex notes scrawled up the margins of Sirius' parchments. In hindsight, he would always wonder why he'd never said anything, never bothered to ask what they were up to. Pete didn't notice, but then Pete didn't notice much, really. How long had Sirius and Remus been sneaking out together in the middle of the night before Pete caught on? Even then, he'd only noticed something was amiss because Moony failed to wake for class one morning, and James had to lean over Sirius' prone form to poke him. Sirius, he never bothered to wake. If he was going to skive off, nothing would stop him, and from the fact that Moony had overslept, Padfoot needed to renew his... erm. Energy.

But James was not in the habit of sticking his snout where it didn't belong, and just as any stag will tell you not to step between two fierce canine forms, any teenage boy will tell you not to step between your best mate and his boyfriend.

Not that it was the boyfriend aspect precisely... James grew tired of defending his discomfort to himself. He didn't care if Sirius Black buggered a thestral, so long as no one was buggering _him_. Better, Moony and Pads were very... happy. And they weren't poncy about it at all. Other than two (fully-clothed!) boys sprawled and unconsciously kicking each other in one tiny bed, James had never observed even so much as a flicker of romantic behavior between them. It truly wasn't a problem to James that Sirius was dating a bloke, or that said bloke happened to be another mate of his, and a werewolf. It was more that... Sirius Black was dating a bloke. Oh, bother. James slumped over the game of exploding snap with which he had engaged Pete.

"Something wrong?" Pete asked.

"Nah. Just this Sirius mess."

"Dumbledore sounded pretty angry, didn't he?"

James nodded. Indeed, when Dumbledore had accosted the four boys in an upstairs hallway with trembling baritone accusations of dangerous spells, "angry" was hardly what James would have called it. He thought they were all going to die. In the end, though, Dumbledore had left with Sirius and Remus. Only they were going to die. James didn't know if that was better or worse.

"What was he on about, anyway?" Peter asked, the game momentarily forgotten.

"Dunno," James lied. Without preamble, he stood and wandered back into the hallway. He'd heard the name of the spell Dumbledore had accused Sirius and Remus of performing. He didn't want to believe that he'd heard correctly, but he thought a trip to the library was in order.

Twenty minutes later, and having poured over every similarly-sounding spell, he had to admit that there was really only one possible conclusion to be reached. They had done it. They had done _it_. James cursed and threw the last book, _Soul Magic_, to the floor with a thumb that was deafening in the silent library. After all, no one was in here on a Friday afternoon.

He was wrong, though, 'cause Lily Evans' head popped around a book case to glare at James. "Don't abuse the books," she sniffed.

"Sorry." James didn't have the energy to argue with her.

Lily seemed to be contemplating something. Eventually, she gave in with a shrug and wandered over, setting her little pile of astronomy references down. "You must know that two of your friends were hauled away by the Headmaster earlier."

James looked up at her-- really _looked_ at her-- and saw how exhausted she seemed. Her hair was mussy and there were circles under her beautiful eyes. She didn't have an ounce of make-up on, though he wasn't honestly sure whether she usually wore any. She didn't tend to stand still so close to him for very long since Sirius had played that prank on her last year, and she was older now than she'd been the last time they'd been hesitant acquaintances.

"Might know something about it," James answered aloofly.

"Do you know _why_?"

"Can't say I--"

"I heard a rumor," she interrupted him. "From Peeves of all people. He said he overhead Dumbledore in the hallway saying that they did a mar--"

"Shut it," James hissed. "And shut Peeves. I'm going to hex his ghostly self into next--"

"Potter, he's already blabbing all over the school to anyone who will listen."

James clenched his fists, glad that it was a Friday and that everyone was outside and away from Peeves.

"It can't be true," Evans drew herself up proudly. "Remus would never--"

"Sod it, Evans. You don't know a thing about Remus."

"He's my friend--"

James stood. "I said, you don't know a thing about Remus. He would do whatever the fuck Sirius tells him to do, is what he would do."

Evans tried to stifle a gasp. "You mean they really...?"

"I don't know what they did. I don't know anything more than Peeves does, alright? Well, maybe a bit more. Alright, a lot more, I think-- I hope. But not about what spells they've been getting up to. I stay out of their business."

"It's not reversible!" Evans' voice could only barely hide her mounting panic. "Are they... I mean, have they... they must have been..."

"They've been seeing each other for..." James' eyes glazed over as he started to count up the months. "Merlin," he groaned, "a year last night."

Evans made a sound like she'd eaten something bad. "What are we going to do?"

"We? You're going to go back to your astronomy. I'm going to go upstairs and try to finish my game of exploding snap."

"But the whole school will know soon!"

James shrugged. "Not my doing, and there's nothing can be done about it now."

Evans, mouth still hanging open, could do nothing but watch as James set the large, shabby text on soul magic onto the 'to be shelved' cart and sped out of the library. Only once James found himself in the relative private of the empty stairwells did he realize that he'd come to a conclusion. They had. They'd done it. They had to have. Merlin of Avalon, what were they thinking? Sirius and Remus had married their souls.


	2. How Strange, The Form of Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In school, the Remus and Sirius perform a complicated spell to marry their thoughts in a subtle but intricate union. They assume they will be together forever. They assume that misunderstandings aren't possible when you can read your partners' emotions. They will find out how wrong they were. Series starts out almost entirely fluff, epic-length. Angsty ending.

Chapter 1: Exploding Snap

James had done just as he'd threatened Evans he'd do: he rejoined Peter in their card game. Pete didn't seem to have moved much in the time James was gone. James took nine whole hands to mount the courage to broach the subject with Peter, who, in turn, just stared at James with wide eyes and muttered a few expletives. They went back to playing Exploding Snap. It was about five hands later that Sirius and Moony re-entered the common room and sat down at their table. James dealt them in, and they played in silence. James was far too aware that he'd never been _told_ about this plan. He wasn't supposed to know. It would be rude to presume. However, the knowledge of what had passed last night weighed so heavily in his head that he eventually couldn't keep it inside any more.

"So what is it like to be, uh, you know?" James threw down another set of cards and Sirius held a breath, waiting for it to explode. Once it had, he returned his gaze to his hand.

"You can say it, James," Moony responded calmly.

Sirius flung down his own cards and caught the pair just before it burst. "Ha!"

"Man," Peter groaned.

"'M not afraid to say it," James mumbled. "Does it feel different, like?"

Sirius shrugged. "Feels nice. Hey, you have any more of the you-know-what in your sock drawer?"

"Nice?" James bit the inside of his lip and missed another pair.

Sirius shifted to look at Remus. He beamed up at his-- his mate, now-- "Feels brilliant. Feels like flying on the biggest, baddest broom ever. Feels like I've got a Prefect in my trousers. Oh wait... I do, don't I?" Sirius had never bandied about sexual innuendo before with such freedom, and James felt like he'd lost a brother. He felt sick.

"It feels like my best mate always knows what I'm thinking," Sirius finished.

"I can't tell what you're thinking," Remus shook his head.

"And it's a good thing too, because then you'd know that I'm thinking of the illegal pants in Prongs' sock drawer. James?"

"Huh? Yeah, but you'll have to--"

"Yeah, I know. Anyone else want a, uh, glass of pumpkin juice?" They all knew he was offering firewhisky from their private stash.

Remus rolled his eyes and answered, "I'll pass thanks." James said yes with too much enthusiasm and Sirius took the stairs two at a time to their room.

"So," James hunched forward and kept his eye on his deck of cards. "What's it like? I mean, is it like you're married?"

Remus, who had been looking for his kerchief in his pocket, paused and considered James. "Yeah, I guess. Not really. There's not... I mean," he sighed. "Our parents don't know yet. I don't think we'll ever tell Sirius' really, but we'll have to tell yours."

"And yours?" Peter asked.

Remus sighed. "Dumbledore already owled them. They might even know by now."

"Merlin," James blinked wide brown eyes up at Remus, feeling increasingly off-kilter. Frankly, off-kilter was a refreshing change of emotion from the ones he had been feeling for the past hour or so. "Should we have a party? Like a reception or something?"

Sirius took that moment to arrive and pass out Firewhisky charmed to look like pumpkin juice to anyone who didn't stare too closely. "A party? Why Prongs, how thoughtful. I would make you the best man, of course, except the main thing's already passed." Sirius flashed bright teeth at James. James tried very hard not to glower back at Sirius.

"I don't get it," Peter looked up from fingering his own cards. "You two've _been_ buggering. How has anything changed because of some _magic_?"

They all stared at him.

"Are you daft?" James squawked. "Magic's important. Magic can change _everything_. Or aren't you a wizard?"

"But it was just a charm."

"Actually," James pushed his classes up, "It was a transfigutory spell, with no known reversal, which is why Remus' parents are being owled, dunderhead."

"But they're not transfigured!" Pete poked a finger in the direction of Remus and Sirius' side of the table.

"Not on the outside," James hitched a shoulder.

"Bloody-- Did you guys transfigure yourselves on the _insides_?"

Sirius stared blankly at Peter for a moment before his face contorted in disgust. "Oh, _gross_ Pete. What in Olwen's bollocks are you talking about?"

"Sirius, Olwen didn't have bollocks. That was Culhwch," Remus laughed.

"Worse," Sirius snorted. James couldn't begin to guess what that was supposed to mean, but it was a familiar snapshot of a well-known Sirius, and comforted him a bit.

"Well what did you _do_ then? If you didn't transfigure yourselves outside or inside, how can it be transfigutory?" Peter threw down his deck in exasperation, all the cards promptly exploding. "Jesus," Remus hissed as the four Marauders jumped in surprise.

"You transfigured some muggle god?" Peter frowned again.

"You _are_ daft," James groaned. "Look, people have these things called souls. They're real and it's very... well, it's dangerous to do magic with souls. Most soul-magic is Dark. I don't even know if what they did is Dark--"

"It bloody well wasn't!" All good humor had left Sirius' face at that. "I wouldn't throw around such accusations if I were you."

"I didn't accuse you of anything, Pads!"

Dangerously low, Sirius answered, "Really? Because I swear it sounded like you just accused _me_ of doing Dark magic."

"James," Remus voice was gentle, "did you think it was Dark?"

James just blinked at Remus as if trying to figure out where he had come from.

"It's not," Remus continued. "You really shouldn't... You should know Sirius would never mess with Dark magic. It's soul-magic, yes, but old. Perhaps the oldest magic of all. The whole _concept_ of a wedding is based on a union of souls, though it's not easy to accomplish and, of course, utterly futile without the help of a wizard, if you're a muggle. I suspect that's where priests and officiants came from in the first place: muggles would need a wizard to perform the spell."

James blinked back at him. "Oh."

"You transfigured your _souls_?"

"Good job, Pete," Sirius answered with an acid tongue.

"Still," James turned his eyes back to Sirius, "Do you know how easy it would have been to _mess up_? I bet priests are involved in marrying wizards also because everyone knows they won't _mess up_."

"Do you have an ashwinder in your trousers, James? I'm sure you've _never_ done any dangerous self-transfigurations, right?" Sirius rolled his eyes.

"Yes, but-- I mean, I-- Argh!" James must have been squeezing his cards too tightly, as they exploded in his hand. He yelped in pain, flung them down, and marched up the stairs to their dorm room.

He could hear Sirius shoot the rest of his firewhisky and mutter something to the other two, and could easily enough guess that Sirius was following him up. They were brothers. They had been since before Sirius had moved in with James. Somehow it felt as if they always had been. The Potters, being pure bloods, had been allowed to have Sirius on holiday with them, and they had taken advantage every year since first year, for at least several weeks. Once, the Blacks would only let Sirius go if the Potters had someplace interesting in mind, and they'd worked to find someplace "interesting" to take the boys. Mrs. Potter had a soft-spot for the morally uncorrupted child of the crazy Blacks. It was obvious to anyone with two ears that Mrs. Black verbally abused Sirius at any opportunity, and no doubt it was worse in private. Mrs. Potter felt the need to recompense that abuse with love, double fold. The night a slightly-hexed Sirius had shown up on the Potter doorstep, lost and confused as to where he was going to go in the morrow, James had not had any doubts that their conversion of his mother's music room into a third bedroom was going to be permanent.

As brothers, they were no strangers to fights. They'd had their first fist fight over a muggle bicycle the summer after first year. Mrs. Potter had taken away the bike on account of the argument, and James and Sirius made up while helping each other steal it back from the broom shed of the Brighton Bed and Breakfast. They'd taken turns coasting down the steepest hill they could find, and they'd arrived back at the B&amp;B tired and hungry and grinning from ear to ear. Mrs. Potter didn't even punish them, as they'd shown such excellent teamwork and all that rot. So maybe a fight was in order, but it would hardly be the first, nor the last.

****

When Sirius entered the dormitory, James was nowhere to be seen. Sirius had seen him _enter_ the room, though, so likely that meant he was under his cloak. Indeed, the blankets on his bed looked as though they were bearing weight. Sirius passed right by as though he hadn't noticed and flung himself on his own bed, facing the foot. He took out his homework and began his essay on the uses of mooncalf dung for Herbology, legs swinging in the air as he wrote about the harvesting and application procedures for magical turds. He passed over puns and jokes, keeping them out of his essay by sheer willpower alone. (Was that Remus' influence on his soul? Would one have sneaked through, normally? Not _normally_; this _was_ normal now. Before?) Finally, it became too much to contain completely.

"Listen to this," he said to the seemingly empty room, "'In the fifteenth century, muggle men used mooncalf dung on their sexual organs, believing it would also increase the size of their--'" He burst out laughing. "'Size of their _stamen_.' Great Sphinx, who _wrote_ this book?"

"Read the next paragraph," a muffled voice answered.

"Oh _disgusting_! They _didn't_! Women must be smarter than that."

"Well, if it increased fertility--"

"But it's _poop_, Prongs. I think I'm going to be ill."

James pulled off the cloak. "What? It's not as if you'll ever have to stick your wand in one."

"My 'stamen' you mean." Sirius laughed. "And cheer up, I'm sure no bird you'd pick would-- oh _gross_. I wish I had never seen this. I don't even think I can finish my essay now."

"How many inches do you have left?"

"Like, two."

"Just, you know, bullshit."

"Ugh."

"Hey Padfoot?"

"Yeah?" Sirius didn't look up from trying to draw out a long and content-less conclusion to his essay.

"Sorry about that out there. I'm happy you're happy, and I would be no matter what kind of magic you used, but of course I know you wouldn't use Dark magic."

Sirius looked up at James for a moment before shrugging, "'S alright."

"Yeah. Well." James shrugged back.

"I'm still the same, you know," Sirius answered the one unspoken fear they both shared. "I'm still me. It's like... well, it's like Prongs. What if I took him away from you forever? What would that feel like?"

"That's different. Prongs is a part of me already, I just didn't-- didn't know how to access that part before."

Sirius sighed and turned on his back. "That's just exactly it, James. Remus and I-- we're _parts_ of each other, but parts we didn't know how to access before."

"But I don't get it-- what's changed? If you're you and he's him, then what does the spell _do_ really?"

"I can-- I can feel his moods. I can tell he's confused and concerned just now. About us and what's going on up here, whether everything will be ok."

"No offense, Pads, but _I_ knew that. It's not like I don't know him."

"_Exactly._" Sirius rolled over again-- always moving, Mrs. Potter liked to joke-- and dangled an arm over the side of the bed. "I guess the difference is that I would know what he was feeling even if I didn't know where he was, didn't know what was going on. And if I concentrate really hard, I can get snatches of his thoughts. Or I think I can. It's very difficult. And a sense of where he is. Just a sense-- inside-outside, warm-cold. Those sorts of things. 'Course you know me and concentrating, mate." Sirius grinned. "But I can tell you that he's just about out of patience and is thinking of heading up here. Thirty seconds to a minute." Sirius winked. "Wants to make sure I haven't killed you."

"Oh, as if," James rolled his eyes. "You know I would beat you in a duel."

"Yeah, prob'ly. Are we cool, mate?"

"Yeah. Sorry. I do sort of wish you'd _told_ me, though, before you went and did it."

Sirius frowned. "I wasn't thinking. We should have." Sirius shifted again so that he was hanging with his head over the side of the bed, staring at James upside-down. "How will mum and dad take it, you think?"

"Ah," sighed James. "They're going to tear you in half for the transfigurations bit. Though of course you're some kind of transfigs genius, but they don't know that. 'Too young to work that kind of magic,' they'll say. They're also likely to take you across the coals for not knowing if you and Moony will last. You know how it tears people up to try and get that-- bonding-- reversed."

"Damn near impossible, even for a transfigs genius, not that I intend to find out," Sirius smiled wolfishly.

"But once they realize the damage is done and they can't do anything, they'll be happy for you. That you're happy. I think."

"Like you."

James smiled. "Like me."

Just then the door to the room swung open and Remus carefully waded in. "I'm not interrupting anything, I hope?"

"Nah," Sirius smiled at James, "just trying to get Prongs to go in on a threesome. Moony, have you read the Herbology assigned chapters yet? You have _got_ to see this."

*****

The next day was blustery, but warm for November, with a bright sun overhead. It was a Hogsmeade weekend, but the fact had gone entirely unnoticed in the Gryffindor Fifth Years' dormitory.

"So, then, where is he?" James' father was glaring at James as if he himself had done something wrong. James tried to find a place for his hands. His mother, on the other hand, was gazing wide-eyed around downtown Hogsmeade, at the movement and color of a Saturday in autumn in the wizarding town.

"Are you going to yell at him? Because, you know, I already did. It doesn't help." James rounded his shoulders.

His mother's gaze snapped back to James. "_Yell_ at him? What he did was dangerous, but-- are we going to stand here all day? You're blocking the door, dear." She physically pulled her husband away from the Dervish and Bangs' door next to which they had Apparated.

"You can bet Arthur's bollocks I'm going to yell at him," Mr. Potter grunted.

"Lionel, really. Language. What's done is done. Boys do silly things for love."

"Silly? _Silly_, Bess? Silly is trying to sneak into the ladies' dormitory."

"That's not silly! It was entirely essential." James spoke before thinking and shrunk from the glares of his parents.

Bestla Potter shrugged and continued as they drifted down the lane and towards the castle following James. "The point is, it's done, and it worked. You can neither yell at him for being in love, nor for being a brilliant wizard. So what _do_ you plan to yell at him for?"

"For _thinking_ he's in love and for _thinking_ he's a brilliant wizard when either might not be true!"

"Well," James said, turning so that he was walking backwards and facing his parents, "don't know if my opinion counts, but if it does, I say he's both." The glare he received from his father made him promptly nod, turn back around, and announce, "Right, shutting it, sorry! Not my business."

"No it is," his mother insisted. "Listen to James, Lionel. No one know Sirius better than James."

"Not true," James raised a hand like he was in class, but didn't turn around or wait before announcing, "I think Remus has got that bit covered. Right, shutting it, sorry." His father had started to growl.

"And Remus _is_ a very polite, sweet boy," Mrs. Potter continued. "Probably an excellent influence on Sirius."

Mr. Potter audibly and visibly deflated, and James resumed walking backwards to observe the end of the conversation between his parents. "Well," Lionel Potter rubbed his forehead, "I guess it's like you said, there's nothing we can do about it now."

"It's nothing to have a fit over," James' mother nodded, taking her husband's arm.

"Couldn't he at least have had a proper ceremony? With a proper officiant?"

"You know that's not legal for boys, dear," Mrs. Potter whispered. Silence fell heavily over them.

"Well, but--" James' dad started, then seemed at a loss for words. "I mean, of course they're going to try idiotic things like performing the spell themselves if it's illegal to get a professional."

"Of course. Exactly." James' mother answered.

"Oh." Mr. Potter seemed to deflate even more, if it were possible. "Yeah, I-- But he could have invited us."

"_I_ wasn't even invited," James piped in. "You have to admit that if any of us had been invited, we would have tried to stop them, anyway."

"Yeah, guess that is true," Mr. Potter nodded, looking up in time to notice he was passing The Three Broomsticks.

"Hey wait," James called. "That wanker said he was going to be in the castle!"

"James, language."

"Sorry, mum. Just spotted Sirius in the Broomsticks. Want me to go in and drag him out?"

"Would you--"

"Don't," Mr. Potter interrupted. "Is Remus with him?"

"Well, yeah. They're practically joined at the, um..." Realizing his words were hardly figurative and on a sensitive subject, James stopped cold.

"Let's go in and raise a toast, eh? Then we can take this back to the castle for all the serious-- err, important-- talk."

James laughed at his dad's corrected diction. "Alright then, let's do!"


	3. How Strange, The Form of Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In school, the Remus and Sirius perform a complicated spell to marry their thoughts in a subtle but intricate union. They assume they will be together forever. They assume that misunderstandings aren't possible when you can read your partners' emotions. They will find out how wrong they were. Series starts out almost entirely fluff, epic-length. Angsty ending.

Chapter 2: Issues

The five of them: James, Sirius, Remus, and Mr. and Mrs. Potter, were subdued on their walk back up to the castle. They'd shared a few glasses of sweet white wine on Mr. Potter's knut, and mostly been generally uncomfortable for the first time ever, with the noticeable exception of James, who had ordered chips with curry mustard sauce and voraciously swallowed the whole plate. He even dared to glare at Sirius when Sirius filched a couple, and never once offered them around. Remus had wanted one, but he didn't have the guts to either ask or steal, preferring at the moment to have as few eyes as possible trained on him. Walking, though, was better. The stiff afternoon breeze made talking not entirely necessary, so the silence shared now was comfortable. By the time they were halfway to the castle, the atmosphere surrounding the group was almost normal. Mrs. Potter seemed to think so as well, considering the line of conversation she then adopted:

"You're sure you don't need more underwear, Sirius?"

"I'm sure, Mum." Sirius loved to tease Mrs. Potter about being his mother-of-choice and Mrs. Potter had once made the blunder of suggesting that she was really more like an aunt. As soon as she'd claimed that being called mum by Sirius made her uncomfortable, mum had stuck, most especially because it had annoyed her. It was no different to how Remus had received his own nickname. He smiled at the memory.

"James, do you--"

"I already told you, no!"

"You could try to be polite about it. Take Sirius, for example--"

Sirius snorted and elbowed Remus. "You hear that? I'm setting an example. A good one, even."

Remus didn't smile back. Even with the slowly-relaxing atmosphere, he felt stiff and nervous. He'd met the Potters before, many times in fact, but never as if he were family. Unwanted family, at that. Sirius frowned at him.

"Hey, Remus needs some underwear. All your pants have sprung elastic."

Remus hissed and cursed at Sirius.

"I'm buying everyone underwear," Mrs. Potter answered resolutely, and then added as an afterthought, "except Peter. I guess he can take care of himself."

"Mrs. Potter--" Remus started.

"Don't 'Mrs. Potter' me. That's 'Mum' to you and I won't hear another word about it."

"I'm very--"

"I'm buying you pants. With good elastic."

"It's not necessary."

"Nonsense. Sirius hasn't got a dime to his name that he doesn't pilfer from his little brother, and I know it. If he wants you to have new pants, I know where the money's coming from. No need to skirt the issue."

Remus made an attempt to argue again, as well as a mental note to murder Sirius later, but they were interrupted by the sight of a Gryffindor first year running towards them down the lane.

"Lupin, Lupin," the boy called while still a good ways off, "Professor McGonagall sent me to come get you. Your parents are in Dumbledore's office. Does that mean it's true that--"

"Shut it," James snapped.

"James Cay Potter!" His mother looked affronted.

"If we were ever planning to keep it a secret, doesn't really matter 'cause it's not one any more, yeah? Yeah, mate," Sirius answered his own question and the boy's, then slung an arm around the shoulders of the first year and rubbed a knuckle on his head. The kid looked delighted to receive any kind of attention from _the_ Sirius Black. "We bit the big one, tied the old knot."

"Bit the big one means died," Remus remarked without humor.

"Oh. Well, not that, then. Just," Sirius elbowed Remus again, "got myself a ball and chain, and he's being awful grumpy today, too."

"Am I to understand," Mr. Potter interrupted, "that you hadn't even discussed whether or not to keep this a secret, if the spell succeeded?"

"No use worrying about that unless it _did_ succeed, eh?" Sirius shrugged.

"I'm going to go on ahead and meet my parents," Remus sighed. He was only too happy to follow the first year at a good clip back up the lane to the castle. Mr. Potter had seemed severely vexed, and Remus wanted no part in that argument. The truth was, Mr. Potter _was_ right. They _hadn't_ discussed it. At the time, this had just seemed the next logical step, and no discussion seemed necessary about whether or not to _do_ it. What to do _after_ had been entirely overshadowed by the doing itself. He didn't think it was a foolish decision. He still didn't. How could he? He was in love. He was, however, beginning to wish they'd done a better job of covering their tracks all around, most especially from Dumbledore. He still didn't know how Dumbledore had found out, but they hadn't been particularly careful about cleaning up the remnants of their spellcasting. It really had been an exhausting effort, and afterward had been entirely about ecstasy in each other, and sleep. Mostly, sleep. Filch or Mrs. Norris could have easily found their Arithmantic charts still burned onto on the floor and walls of the abandoned third floor classroom, or their notes on the incantations, and in their handwriting no less. He wondered if those diagrams-- they'd worked on the charts and figures all summer by owl, used this coming promise to ease their separation-- he wondered if they'd all been scoured off already, not forty-eight hours after they had finally come to life.

****

The space left behind by Moony's departure was dense and cold. Unspoken words hung in the proverbial fog and refused to be pushed aside. Sirius and James gave each other looks, and James was always frowning. Sirius couldn't guess why. He could se eMr. Potter was frowning to the point of a scowl. He couldn't pretend not to notice any more.

"Look, I'm sorry, I know you don't approve." Sirius' voice seemed overly loud as it broke the quiet.

"We never said that," Lionel barked, sounding affronted.

"I'm sorry," Sirius repeated.

James stopped walking completely and his parents passed him. When they called for him to catch up, he didn't move. When they called again, his mother turned around and asked him what was wrong with him. He smiled and answered, "Lay off of them, alright? Sirius just apologized to you twice in a row for something you never even accused him of. That might be a first. I don't want him committing suicide or something over this."

"Git!" Sirius called back.

"You did!" James yelled.

"Maybe that's 'cause I'm sorry," Sirius shrugged.

"Sirius," Mrs. Potter leveled her gaze at him, "are you sorry about _performing_ the spell? Or about being found out?"

"Neither!" He shook his head, hair flying in the wind.

"Then why do you keep apologizing?"

"I'm just, you know, sorry if I disappointed you all," Sirius shrugged, as if to say he wasn't really all that sorry and it didn't bother him too much. "'S what I do, you know?"

"Beeeeerk," James groaned. He'd walked up to meet them in the meantime.

Sirius expected Mrs. Potter to yell at James for name-calling, but instead she wrapped her arms quite suddenly around Sirius. "You haven't disappointed anyone."

"Except half the girls in the castle," James added at a murmur. Sirius saw Mrs. Potter shoot Prongs a glare.

"You have great taste in... people. Remus is... he's a lovely boy. And you are both very accomplished wizards to have done this. It's just a surprise for us. Give the old fogies a chance to catch up with you all. Alright?"

Sirius shrugged and nodded, wanting to push Mrs. Potter away and terribly uncomfortable with being hugged, but not quite willing to do so, as she was _not_ his mother, meaning he couldn't stand the idea of watching her slam the door on him, and what if she took being pushed away the wrong way?

So he even managed to only cringe and not actually duck when she kissed his cheek and smoothed his hair, then turned him towards the castle with a sigh. "I always did dread meeting the in-laws."

Sirius and James both gave a tiny huff of laughter, but Lionel had moved to the front of the group. "Time's wasting, time's wasting. I wasn't planning on spending all day in the middle of the lane."

James snorted as the four of them moved again towards the castle at their previous slow pace, Mr. and Mrs. Potter in front and James and Sirius behind.

"You're a real moron, you know that?" James hissed.

"Suck my dick," Sirius hissed back.

"Nuh uh. I'm afraid of Moony, mate."

"Wouldn't let you anyway. You have cooties. You like girls and all of that."

"I'd only suck one person's dick, and she hasn't got one."

"You see her yell at Penderson last week? I'd check before I make assumptions," Sirius laughed.

"You're a real arsehole, you know that?"

"Evans doesn't put out, that it?"

"I bet Evans won't even put out her foot to trip me up."

"And that, my dear Prongs, is a bet I am happy to take." Sirius slung an arm around James, and by the time they'd arrived at the Hogwarts' steps, there was a an imaginary fifty-thousand galleon prize to whomever could get Evans to stand on her head naked in the great hall, and more quandary than ever about why such a girl wouldn't be madly in love with James Potter.

****

Remus and his parents were sitting quietly in the Headmaster's office and looking rather glum when The Potters, Sirius, and McGonagall (who had met them at the bottom of the headmaster's stairs to escort them up) arrived.

"The young Mister Potter is excused," Dumbledore said hotly.

James looked as if he were thinking of a response to stammer, but decided on a nod before closing the door behind him. McGonagall turned to go, but before she could, Dumbledore asked her not to, in his sweet, imploring, "Ah, Minerva, as this involves your students and some rather grave matters, I would ask you to stay, if you would."

"Of course, Albus." She went to stand behind Remus' chair and glared accusingly at Sirius as though he'd forced the more studious bloke into this.

The Potters took chairs arranged, like the Lupins', around the headmaster's desk. Sirius left his chair unoccupied to lean on Dumbledore's desk, his weight on his palms.

"Look," Sirius started out, already feeling the accusatory air of the room, the blame in the looks the Lupins' twitched in his direction. "I didn't force anything. We knew what we were doing. I appreciate how everyone thinks that the two of us being together is a huge, awful catastrophe, but you'll excuse me if I disagree."

"Mister Black, please have a seat."

"Headmaster," Lionel Potter raised a hand. Sirius tried not to snort at the image of old Mr. Potter sitting in a classroom before Professor Dumbledore, and he most definitely did not have a seat, though he backed up off the desk a bit. "I must ask, does our being called here for this imply that the school is now recognizing us as Sirius' guardians? Legally, that's not the case."

Dumbledore sighed and slipped into his own chair at last. "I'm afraid the school is spell-bound to recognize naught but the true guardians of each pupil."

"Then why..?"

"Given the circumstances, and the issues that must be discussed here today, it would be... rather dangerous to involve the Blacks."

"Dangerous?" Mr. Potter frowned.

Sirius stepped back about three paces and started forward again. "There's no-- there's no _issues_!"

"Mister Black! You may find," began Dumbledore, looking entirely unamused for once, "that just because you think you are in love, does not mean that you know all of eachother's secrets."

Sirius spun to Remus, who was sitting in his chair looking (and feeling, in fact, as Sirius could well discern, though he was admittedly still learning how to do so), sullen and slightly confused. "You got any secrets from me, mate?"

"Uh," Remus gave Sirius the ghost of a smile, "not that I... wait. I don't really like snapping cinnamons, but I didn't want to say so since you bought me that sampler."

"Oh. Well. Alright. No more snapping cinnamons."

"You can still get them for yourself, Sirius."

"No no, I don't like them. I only bought them because I thought you liked them."

Remus chuckled. "Do _you_ have any secrets, Pads?"

"Let me see... You know that novel you picked out for me to read for Muggle Studies? I never actually read it. I did the essay on those summary notes you gave me."

Professor McGonagall made a noise in her throat, but Remus laughed heartily. "Sirius, I knew you wouldn't read it. Why do you think I gave you the summary notes?"

"Oh." Sirius cocked his head in a very canine manner and then beamed.

"Obvious truths are not secrets just by having the benefit of going unspoken," Remus smiled.

"Right-o."

"Mister Lupin. I'm afraid these are not the sort of secrets I mean. Your condition--"

It was Sirius who interrupted with rather a lot of bravado. "Has got nothing to do with this."

The room froze. "So," reflected Dumbledore, "it seemed the two of you have fewer secrets than I had surmised."

"Obvious truths... what he said," Sirius pointed to Remus.

"To be fair," Remus said with a certain degree of detachment, "Sirius is not unintelligent, and he can be observant when he chooses to be. Plus he does _own_ a calendar."

"James owns a calendar," Sirius amended. "I haven't the need. Time bends to my will, you see." The roguish smile he shot at Dumbledore earned him absolutely nothing. He added as an afterthought, "That, and I don't really do my moon charts. It's dull. And besides, now I've got it memorized, don't I?"

Dumbledore rubbed his forehead and sighed. "Well, did you want to fill in the Potters, or shall I, Mister Black?"

"Fill... in? No, I was serious, that has got nothing to do with this, and there's no reason--"

"You entered into a nearly non-reversible soul-binding with someone afflicted with a very grave medical condition, and you think that has nothing to do with this?" Dumbledore's lids were heavy with disappointment.

"Well, I--" Sirius cut himself off, at a loss for what to say. He turned to see Remus looking pale, his full lips pressed together and his eyes haunted.

"You don't mean that he... That I... I wouldn't think it would spread that..."

"No no, no concern there." Dumbledore have Remus a warm smile, the exact opposite of those he had been giving Sirius since they'd arrived in this office. Why was everyone always glaring at _him_?

"It was my idea, you know," Remus spoke into the silence. "The bonding. I can't say why, I just sometimes get so afraid of losing Sirius..." He frowned into his lap, and Sirius wondered how close Remus had come to reading his thoughts the moment before, because now Dumbledore's gaze turned a bit colder towards the milder student.

"Let's not assign blame. We must discuss the matter at hand, alas. Bestla, Lionel," the headmaster was smiling quite warmly at them, "What young Mister Black has failed to mention is that his... that Remus Lupin is a werewolf."


	4. How Strange, The Form of Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In school, the Remus and Sirius perform a complicated spell to marry their thoughts in a subtle but intricate union. They assume they will be together forever. They assume that misunderstandings aren't possible when you can read your partners' emotions. They will find out how wrong they were. Series starts out almost entirely fluff, epic-length. Angsty ending. I'm wavering on the ending, sorry.

Chapter 3: Padfoot

Sirius could not remember the day that he had discovered Remus Lupin's identity as a werewolf. This was largely due to the fact that no such day existed. There had been, at first, a niggling sense of 'something's not right with his stories' and 'he's keeping a secret from us.' The list of plausible secrets had eventually shrunk under Sirius' and James' determined investigations. Remus had once remarked that the duo must have been so dogged about discovering his secret because they thought him a good friend. Alas, such was not the case. For the likes of Sirius and James, secrets were simply meant to be found out the way puzzles were meant to be solved, snowballs meant to be thrown, and Slytherins meant to be hexed. The function of secrets in the world was to provide mental stimulation for intelligent but bored Gryffindor boys who hated classes and homework.

As secrets went, Remus's was not kept with as much diligence as one might expect. He had lived mostly in isolation with his parents. His excuses and stories fell flat, and later James would remark that Remus had not really made an effort if he had been hoping to waylay the ilk of Sirius and James.

The result of this gradual form of discovery was that Sirius had never had a moment, nor even a day, that contained an 'Aha! That quiet bloke we share a room with must be a werewolf!' moment. Rather, it was a slow realization. Once he had acknowledged the high likelihood of this generally unlikely scenario-- that the next bunk over housed a dangerous and dark magical creature-- Sirius easily saw that he had more or less known this truth for a good week or two. A part of his mind had been coming to terms with it before he could say so to himself, but now that he had, nothing much changed except Remus' stories about his sick mum were known lies and not suspected ones.

The Potters were given no such 'coming to terms' amnesty period. Good, gentle, kind people, Lionel and Bess Potter. Strong people. They stood up for a lot of other folks that couldn't stand up for themselves, like this one muggle man in Godric's Hollow whose wizard son had been stealing from him. They'd stood up for that old man.

But they were also a wizard and a witch, raised in the wizarding world, and pure bloods, having grown up hearing all the stories that pure blood parents tell their children. Sirius knew; he'd heard them all himself. To be fair, the ones about werewolves were all true. Their fear was not unfounded. Remus Lupin was proof of that. He had once been a boy, too, before he was attacked and turned into something supposedly malicious and nauseating. The thought of Remus as nauseating made Sirius want to laugh. Still, Remus would be viewed as a threat to the Potters-- a threat to the life of not just their only son, but their foster son as well.

No one gasped or jumped to their feet or exclaimed epithets, as Sirius would have expected among his own family. Mrs. Potter clenched a hand and began to chew on a hangnail, eyes wide. Mr. Potter started to turn red very slowly. Remus blanched white. His mum likewise turned pale. Sirius watched, amazed, as Remus' father went flush with impossible slowness, ruddy red splotches standing out on his cheeks under and around his white beard.

"Really, Headmaster," Mr. Lupin started, "I cannot guess why you think it's necessary to air our family's dirty laundry--"

Sirius' head snapped up as if he'd been slapped. "Moony's not your dirty laundry."

"That's _not_ what I said, and I should thank you to not make fun of my son's medical condition by calling him _names_," Mr. Lupin's index finger shot out to jab at the air threateningly.

"You've got no right to yell at Sirius," Mr. Potter warned, though he remained seated and his voice calm. "I think it best if we leave now. We'll do our best to find a wizard skilled at these sorts of reversals--"

"No." Remus' single word held a deceptive, deep calm compared to the panic Sirius felt ripple through him as Remus shot to his feet and moved towards Sirius. Sirius backed towards Remus simultaneously.

"Perhaps," Dumbledore's soothing voice cut through the emotional intensity like a hot knife through cool treacle, "we should finish out our conversation here, and hear from the boys themselves, before we start tracking down reversal wizards. They seem at least--" Dumbledore peered at Sirius and Remus over his spectacles, "sincere in their affections. Is that a correct supposition? Mister Black, Mister Lupin?"

They each murmured "Yessir" as if they'd been asked about hexing a Slytherin.

"Now now, no need to be ashamed in here. Everyone in this room desires the best for you both. I daresay the world has too little love for us to take exception to the places in which we find it."

A smile flickered over Remus' face, and the shadow of the way that _felt_ in Sirius gut-- sort of like a warm hand being run through his hair-- made him sigh and smile and lean into Remus. How could anyone want to _undo_ this? Besides the fact that it couldn't be undone. It always damaged people to have it undone, like ripping apart one soul. Who would ever do such a thing? Surely _that_ must be Dark magic. Sirius' hand was sliding into Remus' without any conscious effort while his thoughts trailed around this pleasant path.

He looked up and saw Mrs. Potter staring at their clasped hands with large, red-rimmed eyes.

"Sirius," Mr. Potter said softly, "please come away from hi-- that. It."

Everyone in the room stiffened, though none more than Sirius. He responded by pulling Remus closer to his side and kissing the back of Remus' hand. He did not move the hand from his face, but held it there against his cheek, stroking it lightly against his skin. Mrs. Potter and Mrs. Lupin both gasped, but it was very worth it to see the red blood rush up the sides of Moony's neck. In fact, the resemblance of these red blotches to those of Remus's angry father was uncanny. Remus shifted his weight uncomfortably and cleared his throat, whispering, "Sirius, we're in _Dumbledore's office._" Sirius could even feel the rush of Remus' arousal through his own self, almost as though he'd been touching himself and not Remus. _Oooooh_. They hadn't yet had the opportunity to try out these particular ramifications of the spell. The spell itself had so knackered the both of them that not much had been on the menu last night besides sleeping. If the bonding was where the tradition of marriage came from, Sirius and his tenting trousers both were starting to suspect they understood the tradition of the honeymoon as well.

"Lionel," Dumbledore frowned, his voice managing to hold both tension and defeat, "I would request that you would address Mister Lupin with all the respect a wizard of his age and excellent caliber would merit. He is at the top of his class, and is no more an 'it' than I am a lamppost. Mister Black has already seen fit to remind us that the sentiments they share are entirely human."

Sirius snickered.

"Now," Dumbledore fixed a determined stare at Sirius, "can we _all_ sit and discuss this calmly and rationally?"

Everyone sat. Dumbledore waited while there was an uncomfortable shifting of chairs and clearing of throats. Mrs. Potter made a started noise when Sirius tried to pull Remus down onto his lap. Remus batted him away with a hiss and a kick to the shin, and Sirius laughed, but he was also a bit touched to see that Mrs. Potter was concerned for him, however misplaced that concern was. Even as Dumbledore began speaking, Sirius couldn't keep his eyes from shifting back to Remus', and he noticed that Remus too seemed to have trouble concentrating on the people in the room who weren't Sirius.

"You must understand, Mr. and Mrs. Potter, that Mister Lupin's condition is one that affects his mental faculties only one night out of thirty."

"That still puts Sirius-- and James!-- in an awful lot of danger."

"No it doesn't," Sirius sighed.

"No," Mr. Lupin sighed, "It does. Mr. Potter's right."

Mr. Potter, thin and graying, glared across the room at the portly and white-haired Mr. Lupin. Both Remus and James had been born to older parents. "Thank you," Mr. Potter nodded.

"No it doesn't," Sirius repeated, barely audibly.

"Perhaps your relationship with Mister Lupin has allowed your judgment in the matter to be less than clear, Mister Black. A werewolf is hardly a small, cuddly animal, nor something to joke around about."

Sirius hung his head down further. It was a moment before he could identify the feeling of his skin prickling as indignation-- for once, not his own.

Remus sat up. "That's not even fair. _No one_ understands the situation better than Sirius, Professor."

"It's touching that you think so, but he's never even seen--"

Remus barked out such a cynical laugh that it really ought to have come from Sirius. "Sirius has seen me transform on more occasions in this past year than my parents _ever_ have."

Dumbledore's entire demeanor went ice cold. "I sincerely hope you are having one over on me, Mister Lupin, or else I will have to admit that I was gravely mistaken in allowing you entrance into my school."

Sirius felt terribly sick, hearing those words from the man. "It's safe--" Sirius barked.

"It is _not_ safe!" Dumbledore's yell echoed off the stone. His phoenix, Fawkes, made a feeble noise and hid under one wing with his back turned to the group of them. Everyone was deathly silent. Even Mr. Potter seemed taken aback and almost frightened.

"Professor," Sirius started calmly, quick to grasp the gravity of the situation and used to being yelled at, "No, it is. Look."

And there, in the Headmaster's office, he betrayed his largest secret, changing effortlessly before their eyes from a strong, cocksure teenage boy to a large spitz in great need of brushing. No one said a thing for almost too long.

Finally, Remus broke the silence. He leaned forward to scratch the soft fur just under and behind Sirius' canine ears. "Professor, Mum, Dad, Mr. and Mrs. Potter, meet Padfoot." Sirius thumped his tail on the ground once in response and slipped out of Remus' grasp to head over to the Potters. He dropped his head onto Mrs. Potter's lap and let her pet him for a moment.

"Interesting," breathed Dumbledore. "An animagus?"

"Padfoot," Mr. Potter said, as if in answer. "James calls Sirius 'Padfoot' or 'Pads' all the time. I'd never thought to ask about the nickname."

"And Sirius, Sirius calls James 'Prongs'," Mrs. Potter lit up. Padfoot's tail thumped on the ground.

"Prongs? Prongs what?" Mr. Potter scowled in thought, but his cheeks were still flushed with delight.

"They've named the wolf?" Mrs. Lupin asked in amazement. "They've _named_ it."

Sirius, behind sensitive and partially-colorblind canine eyes, watched Moony blush and smile a shy, tender, beautiful smile. "Yes. Well, Sirius did. He's not very imaginative."

Sirius barked and glared and, receiving a real, carefree laugh from Remus, chased his tail, to the delight of everyone in the room save Mr. Lupin.

"Oh Remus, I--" Mrs. Lupin was utterly choked up, and a minute later she was crying heartily and swiping at her face with a handkerchief. Mrs. Potter started sniffling in response. Sirius, moving well to the side of the overzealous display of emotion, transformed into himself again and watched out the window, listening to the sounds. He knew he was making some sense of them through Remus' mind, almost as if he and Remus were conversing: Remus' mum was overjoyed that someone knew and accepted and loved her son even more thoroughly than she could herself. That someone could have been the Loch Ness Monster and she would have been just as thrilled.

Mrs. Potter had ceased to see a beast and its caretakers, and saw a boy and his mother. A boy and his mother and maybe, Sirius though with a glimmer of hope, there was room in there for the other boy-- the boy that that boy loved? Why couldn't he and Moony just be a boy and a girl and neither of them have any furry little problems or crazy Dark families? Why couldn't they live lives like normal people? What had they done to deserve an inquisition into their feelings, to be judged like this?

When everyone's tears and sniffles had calmed, and even though Sirius was still standing staring out the window, Dumbledore, voice quite tender, continued. "Nevertheless. An unregistered animagus transformation is a criminal offense meriting a stay at Azkaban, Mister Black. Bestla, Lionel, I sincerely hope your own son has not been dabbling in such dangerous magic as you suspect. I'll leave whatever discipline you see fit up to you. I think Mister Black's secret will be safe within this room?" His eyes skirted the tiny audience, and Sirius turned easily to meet Dumbledore's eyes. "At any rate, I will personally see to it that neither Mister Black nor any other Gryffindor boy again attempts an animagus transformation while in school, and they most certainly cannot accompany Mister Lupin in his... special accommodations."

Sirius shrugged. He could feel Remus. Some emotion wary and uncertain and bad was roiling off of him. Suspicion? That didn't seem right. Sirius admitted defeat. Sometimes this mental connection was really no better than reading someone's expression.

"Of more immediate concern," Dumbledore sighed and came around his desk, "is the fact that the two of you can feel each other's emotions. That includes emotions such as pain, fear, desperation... I do not know first-hand, but I have been told that a werewolf's transformation can be an emotionally turbulent time for the soul within."

Remus blanched and felt-- Sirius could easily make out this sensation-- sick. Presumably it was the idea of putting Sirius through his own pain and suffering that rendered this result.

"I do know first hand," Sirius said quietly, turning to stare resolutely out the window again. "I've been there. I would rather experience it with him than wa--" His throat closed involuntarily. "Than watch."

Dumbledore sighed heavily. "I feel as if this conversation has gone on quite long enough. I would suggest, though, in light of how these two young men clearly feel about each other, and in sight of the evidence that the bonding they've performed is perfectly regular-- perhaps quite excellent, even-- that we do try to treat this as the joyful occasion it is. I'm sorry to have seen such good people struggle to make peace today. Maybe we should take an example from those young men who most usually take their examples from us, and treat this, for the moment, with more levity. In that spirit, and since you are all here today, I don't suppose I could invite everyone to a private tea in celebration?"

Remus turned his neck to glance at Sirius, who shrugged. Regardless, though, Sirius could tell that Remus was tired. Likely Remus could tell how bloody frustrated Sirius was with adults, too.

"You all visit with each other. Please, it'd make us happy," Remus stage-whispered to his mum. "The spell has tired us out a bit, and I think a bit of napping really is in order."

"Ok, dear. And really. Congratulations."

Remus shrugged and rose, bidding the Headmaster goodbye. Sirius turned to follow, ignoring all pleasantries entirely, and jogging to catch up as the descended the moving stairs.


	5. How Strange, The Form of Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In school, the Remus and Sirius perform a complicated spell to marry their thoughts in a subtle but intricate union. They assume they will be together forever. They assume that misunderstandings aren't possible when you can read your partners' emotions. They will find out how wrong they were. Series starts out almost entirely fluff, epic-length. Angsty ending. I'm wavering on the ending, sorry.

Chapter 4: Conjugation

They moved swiftly and silently through the hallways, racing back to the tower after the grueling day. Remus ached from head to toe almost as if the full moon were recent, though his body did not ache as much as his pride, held together by the last stitches, stuffing showing through after the beating it had taken in the headmaster's office. He took pride in his pride-- in his ability to not let things like _that_, like all the things that had been said to him in there, get to him. Only that-- pride for the sake of pride itself-- was keeping him together, and he couldn't half care. Beggars could not be choosers.

It was times like this that made Remus grateful for Sirius' discomfort around the mangled pride of others. Sirius usually dealt with the humiliation of his friends by first trying to undo it, and second, ignoring it. Remus could have throw himself at Sirius for the fact that Sirius did not see a need to mention, repeat, or 'talk about' anything that had happened back there. Except there was one little issue they would need to discuss, because they'd managed to bring James under fire. Remus held in a groan and wondered if that's where his feet were taking him so subconsciously: to explain to James that they'd just ratted him out. It was okay. It would be okay. Sirius was here, and Sirius knew how to talk to James.

They were at the hallway presided over by the portrait of Felina the Fickle-- a beautiful young lady with the haughty air of any of Sirius' female relatives and a dress clearly much too small for her bosom-- when a thought hit Remus. He grabbed Sirius' muggle jacket, the black leather cold and sexual under his fingers, and pulled him to a small side hallway containing only one closet and an unused classroom.

"Sirius," Remus hissed under his breath, "why didn't you argue when Dumbledore said you couldn't come with me on full moons any more? He said you can't even transform!"

Sirius shrugged, eyes cold, though Remus could feel-- could _feel_, and the thought still made him dizzy, brought a wonderful pressure to his chest and made blood pool between his legs-- that Sirius wasn't angry with Remus, just determined. As determined as ever a man had been.

"Nothing he can do will stop me, Moony. Didn't think there was much point to arguing. He's made up his mind, and I've made up mine."

Remus was partly troubled and partly relieved. Sirius' words reminded him of something else, though.

"Sirius, you know I don't find that nickname... what did she say? Degrading?"

Sirius turned and left the hallway, pausing to wink at Felina. She giggled and called after him, "You tease! I've heard rumors about the two of you!"

Sirius spun to call back to her, "Whatever you've heard, the reality is far steamier, I'm sure!" She whistled.

"Sirius, I was saying--"

"Mooooony. Stop being stupid. I know. I know your mother doesn't get it yet, but she looked like she might someday." Sirius threw another wink, only this one had proper aim and was clearly directed at Remus.

Remus sighed, feeling himself slide unconsciously towards the cool leather, letting his white button-down brush against the other boy' arm. Sirius most definitely did not move away, but Remus knew Sirius was missing the best part: the feel of muscles and leather through cold cotton. A shiver rolled down Remus' back. Sirius leaned over and pinched him right on the arse.

Remus, caught off guard by the very (well, theoretically-- it was a Hogsmeade Saturday and the castle was vacant as death) public display of lust, emitted an undignified yelp. At the thought of the other students, his mind began to drift back to something Felina had said.

"Sirius, what do you suppose these rumors--"

"Biting stonecrop," Sirius answered the Fat Lady's unasked question as they arrived at the common room.

"I mean, what sort of things do you think--" Remus was forced to stop mid sentence, though, as he entered and took in the sight of the common room. Apparently, not all Gryffindors were in Hogsmeade after all. A rather large number of them were _right here_.

"Congratulations!" James' fellow Gryffindor Chaser Joel Pearl cried as he threw a bunch of Screaming Streamers into the air. Once the shrieking died down and Remus thought it safe to uncover his ears, fellow Gryffindor fifth-year Geena bolted from the crowd of still-stunned students and leaped at Sirius, kissing him on the cheek. Remus could easily tell that Sirius was pleased. He hoped that Sirius could as easily tell that Remus was about ready to kick it off over the pretty blond bird.

Sirius must have got the message, because he quickly disentangled himself. No sooner had he done so, however, than Geena sprung at Remus. Being much taller than Sirius (though he could never hope to have half the ease and grace of the smaller man), Geena could hardly kiss him on the cheek so easily. Rather, she practically _mounted_ him, arms slung around is neck, feet dangling off the floor. Remus tried to lean away from her, but he was supporting all her insubstantial weight, so it was not destined to happen.

Sirius began to laugh. "Alright, Geena, better get down while I still think you're cute."

Geena obliged Sirius and dropped to the floor, just when a flood of other Gryffindors pushed towards the center of the room. A few congratulated Remus or Sirius. Many ignored them entirely in favor of a largish cake and tons of Zonko's and Honeyduke's items.

"So," James slung an arm around each of their necks from behind, "Am I a good best man, Pads?"

"The best," Sirius smiled. "You went back to Hogsmeade and got all this?

"With Pete," he nodded, a glint coming into his eyes, "And Evans."

Joel came around then pushing butterbeers into everyones' hands.

"Evans?" Sirius turned to see James better.

"Lily is _my_ friend, Pads," Remus reminded him.

"Oh. Right."

Speaking of, Lily appeared at Sirius elbow just then. "Yeah, Remus, and couldn't you have chosen to marry someone a little less infuriating?"

Remus grinned, feeling blazingly happy, a first unclouded moment of the day with Sirius, Lily, and James here surrounding him. "You know, I don't think so. I always look very calm and intelligent next to Sirius."

"Hey," Sirius punched at Remus, but Remus, still in his haze of sudden joy, didn't rise to the bait. His fellow Gryffindors were happily elbow-deep in a massive cake, and Remus didn't notice when he pulled Sirius closer to himself. Or maybe Sirius pulled him closer. Or perhaps both happened. Sometimes, with the way they were linked, it was hard to tell, especially when they made subconsciously affectionate gestures. This entire process so intrigued Remus. Maybe, he thought, he ought to start taking notes.

He was pulled back to reality by Sirius' hand petting the back of his hair. Lily's wide green eyes stared at them with something like amazement. When she saw Remus watching her, she cleared her throat and smiled at him. James and Sirius were talking to each other, so Lily could speak without either of them noticing.

"Remus. I'm so sorry."

Her words made no sense. She was smiling. Being connected to Sirius' emotions (and the easy and effortless way James and Peter broadcast everything they felt in their expressions) had spoiled him. He hadn't a clue what she was thinking.

"I'm so sorry, I really thought you guys had made an enormous mistake. I was a bit angry, too. I guess I..." She sighed and continued in a whisper. "I've never thought very highly of Sirius, you know, but I think so well of you."

"You may find you've underestimated him. Sirius is more than meets the eye."

"He must be, to have pulled you." Her eyebrows puckered up with a mixture of emotions. "To be honest," she released a cynical half-laugh, "I'm a bit jealous. You guys..." She shook her head. "Did you want some cake?"

"Nah, that's ok."

"Remus, come on, it's your _wedding_ cake. You guys should have got the first slice."

Remus shrugged. "We aren't married."

Lily smiled patronizingly at him. "Right."

"Alright, maybe a little slice."

Remus disentangled Sirius from the conversation with James, and all four of them headed towards the cake. Pete was serving, though maybe 'protecting' was a more apt word.

"About time," Pete smiled up at them all. "I got the almond 'cause I know it's your favorite, Sirius."

"Oh. Well you should have got the chocolate. That's Moony's--"

"It's half chocolate." James interrupted.

"Brilliant," Sirius smiled, digging in to the chocolate-flavored half. Before anyone could say a thing, he'd thrust a chunk of cake at Remus and smashed it onto the prefect's face. Remus could not say he was terribly amused. But he was, at least, chocolate flavored. And Sirius, _Sirius!_, took advantage of that fact in the middle of the common room, swiping at the chocolate on Remus' face with his tongue, drawing Remus into long, public kisses. Remus might have reacted, he might have pulled away, he might have protested. He should have protested.

Instead, he was utterly overcome by the duel sensation of tasting Sirius and tasting chocolate and tasting himself from two different mouths. The connection between himself and Sirius seemed to be so heightened by this.

Remus didn't hear the shocked silence or the cat calls, he didn't feel his feet stumbling up the stairs to the dorm room, he didn't feel his sticky lips slip to Sirius' neck, but he did feel with every nerve in his body the door to their small four-person room slam behind him. Sirius and Remus parted to see each other and themselves-- really see, each with the other's eyes-- the men standing across from them. Remus felt his chest rise and fall with the urgency of a kettle drum.

Sirius cast him a Cheshire grin. "You know all those people in the common room know what we're about to get up to."

The words seemed to barely enter Remus' ear, and certainly not his brain. His lips were back on Sirius' in no time. Remus' hands battled each the other for the privilege of having been the one to remove Sirius' clothes. Sirius seemed rather frozen in shock, but he recovered quickly enough to start shucking Remus' muggle trousers.

"I love you," Remus breathed between frantic, graceless kisses.

"Moony. We-- know what-- we're doing, right?"

Remus laughed and detached his mouth from Sirius'. "It's hardly the first time we've done this, Pads." They'd been buggering for a year now. He'd thought Sirius would have at least some inkling of whether he was doing it correctly or not before now.

"Prat," Sirius grinned in an almost-shy way. "I mean, the spell. You don't regret it, do you?"

"Am I acting as if I regret it, Pads? Am I _feeling_ as if I regret it?"

Sirius' mouth gaped open and closed again. He made a feeble noise in the back of his throat.

"Sirius," Remus stepped forward and dropped his forehead against Sirius'. "Everyone's crazy. Everyone thinks we're crazy. The world is going insane, there are rumors of a Dark Lord, Dumbledore knows all our secrets, and the entirety of the House of Godric Gryffindor is in the common room waiting for us to shag. And eating cake. Nothing makes sense except for me and you. You make me sane. Please don't lose it on me."

Sirius looked down and shook his head against Remus'. "I won't. I won't. I believe in this."

"Good. Now that that settles that..." Remus' fingers began again, more slowly, peeling away Sirius' pants.

"You think it'll be weird, the whole school knowing about us?" Sirius wasn't responding to his attentions just yet, still seeming to be lost in thought.

Remus nodded. "Gryffindor seems alright as long as food is involved. Ravenclaw probably is too concerned about OWLs to notice. Who knows about Hufflepuff? They like rainbows and shiny things and boys holding hands, don't they?"

Sirius laughed.

"Sorry, I know that's not fair, but--"

"Yeah, well, Hufflepuff..."

"Exactly. And then Slytherin..."

"Yeah." Sirius sighed. "You leave Slytherin to me. Between Reggiekins and Snivellus I imagine we'll see more than our share of hexes coming from that front."

"What..." Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius and held him tightly. "What do you think Regulus is going to think about this?"

"Fuck if I care. Problem is, he'll tell damned Walburga and Orion just about as soon as he can. Probably write a lovely letter bragging about how lucky they all are to be rid of me."

"Mmm," Remus hummed, "You're lucky to be rid of them."

"I know it. You don't have to remind me. But they'll make sure the entire wizarding world knows about it before the week is out. We'll be lucky to keep this out of the Prophet."

Remus froze. He tried to get a hold on his fear.

"Moony?"

"The Prophet?" His voice came out tight, more high-pitched than usual.

"Moony. Talk to me."

"What if someone starts poking their nose in? What if--"

"Nah, it'll be fine. It probably won't be in the Prophet. After all, having me in there would mean acknowledging that I'm related to them." Sirius laughed, but it was a special, cynical, almost cruel laugh that he reserved for conversations about his family. It never even came up when Snape was involved, it was so proprietary to the Blacks. The black Black laugh, Remus thought of it. But he could sense Sirius' belief in what he said.

"Where were we?" Sirius was rapidly undoing his buttons and murmuring nonsense words against Remus' chest. Remus leaned his head back and let the sensations envelop him. Sirius slid Remus' trousers to the floor and Remus obligingly stepped free of them, turning to reduce Sirius to a similar state of undress. Several moments and a hundred lazy kiss-murmurs later, both boys stood naked in front of each other and simply-- stared.

Buggering for a year or not, seeing yourself through someone else's eyes, through the haze of both your lust and theirs, was a singular experience. The phrase 'sensory overload' came to Remus' mind, but he wasn't really using his senses, only sight in the afternoon-dim room. It was more like trying to _imagine_ several things at once. Or more properly, the same thing from various points of view. It would have made Remus' head hurt if the experience wasn't so... intoxicating.

He saw things he had never seen that he had also seen a million times: Remus knew that he was scarred. He had the prominent scratches across his face that traced down to his right shoulder. His right thigh was well mangled and had been pieced together, so long ago now that all the scars had faded to skin color, or to that pale white that scars sometimes got. In Sirius' vision, though, the scars seemed to fade to all but nothingness, except for the way the one on his thigh made the muscle sort of strain against his groin, and Sirius' vision stuck there, like he was tangled in with the scar tissue, likewise making Remus' groin stand out.

Only Sirius most definitely _was_ making Remus' groin stand out. The staring couldn't fail to arouse the half-erection to full standard, and Remus noticed Sirius' eyes half closing, the way he swayed on is feet and hummed under his breath. Sirius started forward and pushed Remus slowly but insistently against his own bunk, then Sirius _dove_ on top with a triumphant outburst of air and meaningless sound. When Sirius then began to laugh, Remus felt warm and cold all over. He made a grab for Sirius' mouth, but Sirius was faster and had already hefted one of Remus' legs, winding an arm around the knee and turning to lick the inside of Remus' thigh. Sirius nibbled the strained and taught muscle that stretched from Remus' scar to his more private regions. It wasn't a first at all. Sirius had done it a million times. Remus always thought it was some concession, some show of pity regarding Remus' scar. Only now did he understand it was pure lust. The realization was ecstasy. Sirius did not pity him. Sirius bloody Black wanted to consume him, body and soul, and he could feel it. Sirius' long-standing fascination with that particular part of Remus' thigh had nothing to do with the scar itself and everything to do with the way the scar stretched his ball sac and brought his muscles into clear view. Not that Remus needed proof, but no one could ask for better evidence that Sirius was a poofter.

Except maybe the fact that Sirius had since hoisted Remus' leg even high and was moaning and nipping frantically at the softly-downed skin _behind_ the ball sac. Remus thrashed ungracefully and moaned. Sirius laughed, a giddy thing, and asked breathlessly, "What d'you want?"

"Can I see your face this time?" Remus' voice sounded shy even to himself. He knew he was asking for a position Sirius did not prefer, and usually Sirius would pout and whine and complain about the angles. Remus, as usual, would not understand but would agree. Remus had let Sirius bugger him only twice, and he had not liked it either time. Sirius, on the other hand, though he had enjoyed screwing women well enough and certainly had no problem screwing Remus those two times, loved to take a stonker up the arse, and enjoyed every moment of it to the fullest. Sirius always failed to understand why Remus didn't enjoy it, but it didn't quite matter. As long as Remus liked to do the laying and Sirius liked to get laid they were quite the perfect pair. And who wouldn't have enjoyed landing Sirius Black on his prick? Well, as Remus had been Sirius' first and only boy, the other guys out there had no idea what they were missing.

Sirius did not pout this time, though. He did not even immediately respond, but instead wrapped an arm around Remus' other leg to heft it up as well, moving back so that his entire head had nearly disappeared under Remus' arse. Remus' bucked as Sirius' tongue played about on the tender skin, gasping when Sirius managed to roll Remus up far enough to dart a tongue over Remus' arse-hole. Remus' gasping came faster and faster as Sirius continued.

"Pads-- Pads, I'm--"

"Hold your bloody hippogriffs, Moons." Sirius dropped both legs and shot out from under Remus with a smile. He stretched out across Remus to grope in the nightstand. Remus could feel Sirius' sticky pre-come on the inside of one knee.

"Moons?" He laughed.

"I'm sorry, that's awfully derogatory, isn't it?"

Remus laughed again as Sirius sat back up clutching an amber apothecary jar. Sirius started pouring the special oil onto his hand, then his hand disappeared behind his back, and Remus' eyes began to slide shut at the mere thought of Sirius' hands stroking his own arse, maybe stroking _into_ his arse, to ready himself for Remus' length. Remus felt his heart beat out of rhythm.

Sirius, hand still hidden behind his back and sounding rather breathless, leaned forward and asked in a rush of hot air, "You know I only like you because you're a fierce and dangerous creature and I get off on that."

Remus laughed. There had maybe been a time when he would have feared that there was truth behind Sirius' words, but now he knew without a doubt that Sirius was teasing him.

"Very dangerous creature," Sirius sighed as his hand came back into view to slick up Remus' erection. Remus bit his lip to keep from bucking into the grip. "'S probably why I'm a Gryffindor," Sirius nodded. Remus sensed a punchline in the works, but was distracted when Sirius drew himself up onto his knees and settled back down onto Remus' cock. Remus' breath caught in his throat and he was fairly certain his eyes crossed. Even Sirius seemed to stop breathing for a moment.

"No one else would let a _prefect_ bugger them." Sirius winked, proving to Remus at least one of the benefits of doing this face to face.

Remus, however, could do nothing but groan, long and loud and from the back of his throat. Considering that they could easily hear laughter from the common room, it was difficult to imagine that anyone paying any attention wouldn't have heard that, but Remus couldn't care in the least. He was too lost in the sensation of being within Sirius, of moving closer to the heat and the blue eyes. His hands sought purchase on lean muscle-- hips, shoulder-- but couldn't decide on any one location, as Sirius leaned forward and grunted. Remus had to close his eyes when Sirius first shifted up and down. In this position, Sirius was violent about sex. He said he couldn't find his angle as easily, whatever that meant, but the result was that he leaned as far over as he could without dislodging Remus (it took them months to work out that trick), and he rode Remus' dick like he was furious at it for not knowing all the right tricks on its own.

And Remus, for all that he was "topping", was both beneath Sirius, and under Sirius' very muscular control. Sirius had the grasp of a Beater, though he'd been suspended from the house team in third year and never returned. Where Remus' hands failed to find their grip on Sirius, Sirius pinned Remus effortlessly to the bed and held him there to be a solid force to rock against. To rock _on_.

Remus would never complain as long as he could feel Sirius' intense, private warmth surrounding his cock. When he thought about it-- the place that Sirius Black, the disowned heir of _the_ House of Black-- entrusted to Remus and Remus alone-- _inside_ Sirius' body, where only Remus was allowed and welcomed and loved--

But now they'd done better, hadn't they? He was inside Sirius' very _soul_.

Remus stretched out to feel that connection, and was nearly blinded by the sensations that came to him. He could still feel himself working in and out of the boy he had-- Christ, was he really going to use the word _married_? That was daft-- the boy he had joined himself to. But he could also feel a twin sensation, overlain like seeing through a window and seeing your reflection in it at the same moment. So _that_ was what Sirius felt when he was being arse-fucked? Almighty Merlin, no wonder Sirius could never get enough. Feeling what Sirius could feel, Remus felt his hands tingle, his mouth water, a flood of lust so strong roll through him that his prick-- even deep in Sirius-- seemed to ache for more touch. He felt his arsehole throb with need-- an entirely new sensation.

"Sirius," he barely croaked out, grappling to loosen one of Sirius' hands from where it was clamped on his hip. He pulled the hand under him, upsetting Sirius' rhythm and balance. "In me, in me," Remus panted, unable to put together much more in the way of communication.

Sirius was far too lost in his own search for nirvana to do anything other than blindly obey. He shoved two fingers in his mouth and began pushing at Remus' arsehole without any fanfare or gentleness. Remus felt no pain. He bucked into Sirius on the ups, and onto Sirius' fingers on the down, growing faster and more insistent with each thrust. Sirius, true to his words, seemed to not be enjoying it _as_ much. Perhaps he couldn't find his angle. (How in Arthur's roundest table did this feel to Sirius when the angle was _right_? If it felt better, why did Sirius ever want to leave the damned bed?)

"Sirius, Sirius, open up, open up."

Sirius laughed. "Couldn't get more open, Moony."

"No no, your mind."

A blank look crossed Sirius' face, followed by a peaceful one, following in turn by a smile, and then-- "Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck--" And then, Sirius was moving without any rhyme or reason, twitching against Remus' penis and digging his fingers into Remus' arsehole. He screamed and shot nary a moment before Remus was forced-- by the sight, the sensation, by something in his very soul that had already come with Sirius-- to follow. He came with a grunt and small series of movements up into Sirius, laying what he could of himself there, pointless though it was. Still, it made a difference somehow. Sirius' pants would be damp later, and it would be Remus' come, so long spent into his own hand or the toilet, that had done it. Remus made a noise like a dying animal as Sirius removed himself from Remus' softening erection to lay beside his-- his other half. Sirius pulled up the blankets on the unmade bed, and they both drifted off into a drugged sleep. And if they were together in eachother's dreams, neither could tell the difference because they'd always dreamed about the other anyway.


	6. How Strange, The Form of Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In school, the Remus and Sirius perform a complicated spell to marry their thoughts in a subtle but intricate union. They assume they will be together forever. They assume that misunderstandings aren't possible when you can read your partners' emotions. They will find out how wrong they were. Series starts out almost entirely fluff, epic-length. Angsty ending. I'm wavering on the ending, sorry.

Chapter 5: Fraternity

Sirius found James on the quidditch pitch, exactly where Sirius expected to find James on a Sunday morning. James was practicing tricky formations with Joel and the third Gryffindor chaser, Berwyn McColgan. Berwyn's blond-white hair was a spot of quicksilver in the bright fall sunlight.

Sirius didn't bother climbing into the stands to watch. He'd known they'd be practicing, so he'd brought his broom. He walked over to the ball case, loosed one bludger, and hoisted a bat. The bludger took off like a loosed pixie. The practice ball was more than eager to be in the air, and Sirius knew just how it felt. Even as the ball was headed towards Berwyn, Sirius took off.

Sirius was welcomed among the chasers, diving in to protect Berwyn from the bludger. Sirius sent the bludger at James in his effort to protect Berwyn. It was an intentional, risky practice play to test James' reflexes. James, not removing his eyes from the quaffle he was receiving from Joel, dipped his broom effortlessly and the bludger flew wide. By the time the blood-thirsty ball swooped back around for him, James was long gone from the spot he'd previously occupied in the air, and the bludger sought new prey. Sirius stretched out his bat and arm to intercept the bludger's next target. He liked to watch Prongs fly. James was a vision. Sirius, though he was damn good on the shaft of a broom (better on Moony's shaft! Ha, see James try _that_. Or best not, really), he was no James. James' broom was a part of him.

James, of course, had said the same thing about Sirius and his bat. Maybe there was some truth to it, Sirius didn't know. He didn't feel at one with the bat. If anything, he felt at one with the _bludger_. That's really what it was. He seemed to simply know where the bludger was, almost as if he had a connection to it, rather like his brand new connection to Remus. He didn't need to work hard to control it; steering and herding the heavy ball _did_ come naturally to Sirius. He felt like he knew where it was going to be before it was there and wondered not for the first time whether is animagus form had any shepherd in it. Everyone knew he was better than the team beaters, but once Sirius had been suspended, he couldn't be bribed to rejoin the team. Prongs said he was too proud, too hurt over the suspension. Sirius didn't know. He didn't care. As long as everyone knew he was best... well, it felt kind of good to see the house team punished for tossing their best beater. It did. Sirius didn't give a fuck if that made him an arse.

Sirius and the Gryffindor chasers stayed up in the air for what must have been more than two hours. The entire time, he couldn't fail to notice that, though James easily dodged his bludgers and several times called out to him where to hit them when James was trying to get the other guys to drop the quaffle, not once did James smile, laugh, say good morning or hello or 'could you two please not sleep starkers together in our room.' Nothing that happened in the sky above the pitch would have given away to an observer that they even knew each other, let alone lived as brothers, used each other's shampoo, and stole muggle bicycles when on holiday with their parents.

Thus, by the time they were touching down, Sirius had come to the conclusion that James already knew what Sirius had come here to tell him. When James dismounted and turned his back to Sirius, striding easily away toward the castle, Sirius knew he was right. The longer-haired boy unstrung his ponytail and groaned, running fingers through sweaty hair before breaking off in a trot after James.

"Oi, mate. Prongs."

"Just shut up," James called back conversationally.

"Mum and dad get to you?"

"They aren't your mum and dad, Sirius."

James kept walking, but Sirius was stung as though he'd been slapped in the face. Only really, this hurt much, much worse. Such a simple statement. Was James disowning him? The same way his family-- his old family-- his _first_ family had? Just 'cause Sirius had agreed to spill their little secret to the authorities. Granted, it wasn't such a little secret. It really was a big deal. They could be locked up in Azkaban, though Sirius couldn't imagine Dumbledore calling in the Aurors anytime soon for two students whose crimes had been compassion, creativity, and a penchant for difficult transfigurations. At least Pete would get away Scot-free.

Sirius didn't feel his broom drop from his hand onto the cold grass. He didn't feel Remus noticing his sudden mood shift and heading towards the pitch, and he most certainly didn't feel the stinging in his nose and tightening in his throat that signified something he would not admit to.

James turned around.

Immediately, James' whole countenance softened. "Oh mate." James turned and started jogging back. He punched Sirius lightly on the arm. "I didn't mean it like that, come on."

"Yeah," Sirius answered, his voice flat and emotionless. He did bend over to pick up his broom, reluctantly following James back towards the castle.

"No, I didn't! Bugger it all. Look, can we just pretend I didn't say such a daft--"

"But you did, James," Sirius said quietly, eyes locked on the grass of the middle distance. "And what's more, it's true. You're entitled to your opinions, you realize."

"Padfoot! Please please don't do this to me. Don't hold this against me. It was an honest mistake--"

Sirius' eyes shifted to James momentarily. "Was it, Prongs? Tell me that you didn't mean to say it, that you didn't mean it to cut."

James sighed. "Alright. I give. I meant it to hurt you. But I didn't mean _it_. I meant it in the," James put on a fake falsetto as if he were a little child, "'you nutter, I wish you had never been born' sense."

Sirius didn't react. "I don't know what to do," he answered, mostly to himself.

"Believe me. Joke? Joke. Stupid? Stupid. Note to self, never use your brother's biggest fear against him during a stupid little tiff, yeah? That make you happy, mate?"

Sirius shrugged, but he was mildly mollified by James' use of the affectionate fraternal title.

James was not fooled. "What do you want from me, Sirius? You want me to kick you in the shins and call you names, like a proper bother? I've never had one before you, remember. I don't know how to do this right. But I'd be happy to tell the whole school that you and your boyfriend sleep in your knickers in one tiny bed, or that your comb is _purple_, like a girl's. Or a ponce's--"

"Purple is the color of royalty!" Sirius teeth flashed in a genuine smile.

"Yeah? 'S a good fit then 'cause you're a royal pain in the arse."

"That's Evans talking. You've been puppying after her so long your dick probably points at her like a compass."

"Least mine still works!" James laughed gleefully.

"Ask Moony if mine works, will you?"

"No need, Pads," James shoved lightly, "I know whose dick does all the hard work between you two."

Sirius, far from being offended, _giggled_. He grabbed James' neck in a strong arm and rubbed his mucked-up hair until it was really thoroughly mussed.

"Hey," James yelped.

Sirius did not remove his arm. He felt like he needed the closeness, the comfort, of being wrapped around James. The fear and rejection still stung in his chest like the after tone of a struck gong, but the smell of stinky James eased it somewhat. It smelled like home, and Sirius, for all his humanity, was a smell-oriented man. James didn't try to move out of Sirius' strong grip. All his years with his so-called family at Grimmauld Place had never felt nor smelled one ounce as homey as an afternoon in the Potter parlor or one of James' sweaty quidditch robes. Maybe, once upon a time when they were children, Sirius and Regulus had been brothers, had had the affection of brothers, but Sirius' fraternal affections had long since found a new nest in this scruffy-haired beanpole. Never. He wouldn't _let_ the Potters disown him. He'd camp on their roof if things ever turned out that way. Letting go of the Blacks had been painful, humiliating maybe, but not impossible. Not even close to impossible. Sirius would die before he would let go of the Potters.

"I'm guessing by the fact that you're teed off at me that mum and dad already told you what I did," Sirius said, the right mix of sullen apology and teasing humor in his voice.

"I'm not teed off at you," James leaned into Sirius to give him a playful shove. Sirius had a tight grip, though, on James' neck, and they both fishtailed as they walked towards the castle.

"What'd they say? They mad?"

"They're going to make us register."

Sirius groaned. "Oh no. No way. They can't make _me_, anyway."

"Yeah, they can," James said. "You remember that promise you made to Mum when you came to live with us?"

Sirius groaned again and nodded. He _did_ remember. He'd promised that he'd never toss up the 'you can't make me, I'm not your son', as long as they wouldn't toss up the 'you're not our son' or ever force him out of the house. At the time, he'd been so afraid of not having a place to live that he would have agreed to just about anything to have the assurance of not being kicked out of the only _home_ he'd ever known, as well as the only house he had available.

"Jay, you know how I feel about this registry business."

James stopped walking and managed, with the help of the fiercely serious expression on his face, to dislodge Sirius. He stood them face to face out on the grounds. The cool autumn wind rustled and James nodded. "Look. I do know how you feel, and I know why. And you know how I feel, and you know why. But we have to do this. They're being tolerant. With you especially--"

"I didn't do anything--"

"Sirius! You told my biggest secret! You owe me."

"It didn't happen like that."

"It's a ministerial offense. You realize that? Do you want to be kicked out of the house _and_ be sent to Azkaban? Please don't do that to me, Sirius."

Sirius smiled. "You know Evans is always saying I'll end up in Azkaban someday."

"Sirius." James was not laughing.

"Sorry, mate," Sirius' expression flattened to match the dead grave tone of his voice. "I'm not going to do it. I can't. What they've done to Moony--"

"They didn't _do_ anything to him--"

"They _could_!" Sirius' hair flew in the wind. His voice rose. "_Keeping track_, James. It's disgusting. It's downright demeaning. Or haven't you studied muggle history? Nazis and whatnot?"

"I _have_, but--" James clapped a hand around Sirius' arm, "I can't let you throw everything away."

"For him, I will." Sirius batted at James' hands. "Get the fuck off me," he hissed. Once free, Sirius broke towards the castle in a run.

*****

When James got back to Gryffindor Tower, Sirius and Remus were gone. Peter was studying intently and wouldn't be interrupted. James guessed he'd only just realized they had a quiz the next day. After a shower, James sat with Joel and Christof Anderson. They talked quidditch and girls, and James was able, for a short while, to pretend everything was fine with the world.

Dinner was a very different affair. Sirius was sitting down one end of the table with Remus. It wasn't the Marauders' usual spot, and what's more, they hadn't left any room for James and Pete. Remus looked up and met James' eyes, frowning. Sirius was ignoring James, engrossed in conversation with a sixth year boy, Curtis. By the looks of Sirius' arms waving about animatedly, Sirius was trying a bit too hard to seem so absorbed, and James thought himself a good judge of Sirius Black.

James sat down in their normal spots, alone, and studied his hands. He shrugged off the strange feeling of betrayal and grabbed at the fried chicken and chips that were tonight's fare. When a shadow fell over his food, James looked up to see the very last person he would have expected. Remus slid easily into the seat across from him and flicked James a queasy smile.

"What happened?" Remus asked without preamble.

James shrugged and turned his attention back to his chicken. "Mum and Dad are going to force us to get registered, but Sirius refuses. Mum'll kick him out if he refuses, Moony." James flickered his gaze up to catch Remus' eye.

Remus sighed. "She won't _really_, will she?"

James seemed to deflate. "I don't know, but... I don't know. It's sort of an insult to her and Dad, isn't it? I mean, they took him in and did everything for him, and then they ask him for this one thing and he _won't_. He's such an arse, Moony."

Remus smiled in a way that made James wish he could take back his words. "Get your mind out of the gutter," James groaned.

"Sorry, what?"

"I don't know. Maybe it's a stupid thing to fight over." In frustration, James threw his meat at the plate. The chicken drumstick bounced and fell to the floor, but James paid it no mind. The elves would clean it up.

"Any fight you two have seems stupid to me," Remus shrugged. "Look, you guys have to work out this family stuff on your own, but I know that Sirius went on a little emotional roller coaster ride this morning, and who knows, maybe he deserves the sour stomach, but I don't think _I_ did much to earn it. Though I guess I really did beg him to spill your secret."

"You did?" Remus suddenly had James' full attention.

"What did Sirius say?"

"I dunno. He apologized. I just assumed--" James sighed and hung his head into his hands. "Fuck." He'd done it again. Twice in two days, he'd gone and assumed that Sirius had done something wrong, just because he was Sirius. "I'm as bad as Evans, aren't I?"

"Aren't you pissed at me now?" Remus asked.

James shook his head where it hung. "You're too nice and respectable. Besides, you're a prefect. You might turn me in if I were mad at you."

Remus smiled and stood. "Well, sorry. I better get back to my food. See you later."

"Sooner than you think," James answered, and he lifted his own plate and followed Moony down-table.

Once there, he put his plate on Sirius' head, earning him a scowl.

"Well," James answered Sirius' oddly-angled stink-eye, "where else am I supposed to eat? Not like you saved me any room, is it?"

"You're annoying," Sirius growled.

"Good. That means I'm fulfilling all my contractual obligations as the little brother."

It earned the expected grin from Sirius. "'S right," Sirius answered coolly, "and if you talk to Mum and Dad about what we talked about this morning, I'll bash your head into the ground."

James sighed heavily. He'd hoped they could avoid this subject a little while longer. "Whatever, Sirius. It's your life. You do know Mum won't kick you out anyway. She couldn't if she needed to."

"Yeah, I--" But Sirius' throat closed on his words and he couldn't finish the sentence.

"No need to fight about it at the moment, anyway. Now, are you going to squish in next to my exceptionally handsome and learned brother-in-law, or are you going to leave me standing here like a moron?"

"I don't know. Moony, how do I turn up such a tempting opportunity to leave him standing there?" Sirius laughed.

"I vote you let him sit, but then he did just shower me in compliments," Remus deadpanned as James slid in by kicking a couple second-years out of their seats and sending them up the table.

"Oi, you two are brothers? For real? How come you have different last names?" Christof was a fourth-year muggle-born. If they hadn't already known he was muggle-born, he certainly would have just given himself away by not knowing the Blacks.

Sirius' brow grew dark and he opened his mouth to deliver what James was sure would be a snappy comeback telling Christof to mind his own business and fuck off. Joel was faster, though. "Course they're--"

"Yes," said James.

"--not, dunderhead," Joel finished.

Christof blinked confusedly between the two of them. James leveled a cool gaze at Joel.

"Yes we are," he answered confidently. "He lives at my house with my folks, who pay for his school things and owl him every week and who are called up here by Dumbledore when he acts up, and I have to deal with his dirty underwear on the floor of my bathroom during holiday, so if you're going to tell me that Regulus Black, who hasn't even spoken to Remus over here once _ever_ and doesn't even know that Sirius has taught himself to play the muggle drumkit in my garage because he wants to grow up to be Keith bloody Moon, is Sirius Black's little brother, I'm going to tell you to fuck the hell off, because I'm the one who's had to deal with his moody arse these last couple days, and the one who had to keep my parents from killing him, and the one who has to take his shite because I actually do _like_ him and want him around, even if he can be a rather large pain in the behind--"

"Arse," Sirius added, leaning on James now and smiling soporifically.

"I said behind--"

"No, you're already cursing, why would you not use arse in the place it goes?"

"I don't know, bloody--"

"It doesn't make sense for--"

"Would you _shut up_, Pads? I'm busy pouring my heart out to Joel. Just shut up."

Sirius started snickering, and Joel was bright red. Remus was smiling conspiratorially, though if he was sharing a conspiracy with someone, it would have to be himself. James grumbled under his breath, having lost his train of thought, and finished his dinner.

Nobody saw Peter walk in, fail to find a seat with his friends, and sit by himself through dinner.

When James, Sirius, and Remus left, Remus hung back and grabbed James by the elbow.

"You know, that meant a lot to him."

"I know."

"No, I mean it _really_ did."

"Remus. I know." Remus and James stopped walking for a moment. They shared a very tense silence, and then Remus sighed and slouched a bit.

"Did you mean that back there, about me being your... you know?"

"Moony, you're one of my best friends. That's a higher title than the fact that you happen to be whatever to Sirius. But yeah. Don't worry, mate. We're all in it for the long haul. Stuck with each other forever now, aren't we? Move it," James shoved at Remus. "We just skipped out on desert, so I expect we'll want to head to the kitchens later, and there's still a quiz tomorrow we've got to study for.

The three boys were in the common room before any of them thought to ask, "Hey, did you see Pete at dinner?"

No one bothered much about it, though, because there was spice cake in the kitchens, Lily Evans in the common room, and Sirius and Remus had some more of James' horrifying starkers bed-sharing to do before they all folded in for the night.


	7. How Strange, The Form of Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In school, the Remus and Sirius perform a complicated spell to marry their thoughts in a subtle but intricate union. They assume they will be together forever. They assume that misunderstandings aren't possible when you can read your partners' emotions. They will find out how wrong they were. Series starts out almost entirely fluff, epic-length. Angsty ending. I'm wavering on the ending, sorry.

Chapter 6: Prince of Cats

Gryffindor House's emotional display of cake, butterbeer, and acceptance was nothing more than a momentary blip in life as usual up in the lions' tower. By Monday morning, it was back to business, except perhaps that Sirius was getting even more lusty looks from forlorn girls than he had ever before (and he'd never received a lack of lusty looks).

"I don't get it, mate. They know I'm off the market now," he complained to James on the way to breakfast.

"They know that underneath your bad-boy exterior you're a big bloody ponce who couldn't hurt a fly, you mean."

"That's not true! I've hurt a lot of things!"

"No need to sound so proud, Pads," Remus answered quietly from the back of the foursome.

"They think your bad boy exterior is a facade, Padfoot," James angled to explain again.

"Well, it's not. And I'm not bad. I'm just--"

"Opinionated. Spare us, we know." James punched Sirius' shoulder.

"Who do I have to hex, then, to get the girls to stop looking at me like that?"

James shrugged. To him, the answer was obvious. "Remus."

"What? I can't hex Moony! What are you on about? I meant, which Slytherin--"

"That's the problem! As long as you keep hexing _Slytherins_, they're going to keep giving you the dreamy eyes."

Sirius sighed.

"Look on the bright side," James laughed as they entered the Great Hall and walked between long food-lined tables, "it looks like the Ravenclaw girls are mad at you, and the Slytherin girls would like to see you dead."

"Well at least with the snakes the feeling's mutual," Sirius whispered gruffly.

Still, no one could help but notice the truth carried in James' words. While the Gryffindor table was boisterous and largely ignorant of the arrival of the four most prominent members of its house (food will do that to Gryffindors, as they are a generally distractable and hungry lot), the rest of the Great Hall fell eerily silent at the Marauders' entrance.

"Say, Pete, is there egg on my face?" Remus asked rhetorically as eyes followed them.

"Huh?" Peter answered.

James rolled his eyes. They got to their usual seats and dug in.

"So why are the Ravenclaw birds mad, you think?" Sirius asked around a mouthful of fried bread.

"Isn't it obvious?" Remus answered. "You and I did a spot of very enviable magic. I doubt any one of them would be up to it."

"Then why aren't the blokes upset?"

Everyone stared at him a moment. "Um, Sirius?" James started, pointing with a fork over Sirius' shoulder to the Ravenclaw table, "they are. Check out Erec Madderson."

"_Don't_ check out Erec Madderson, please," Remus added quietly to his bacon. "You may, however, _look_ at him."

"Oooh, Sirius is pussy-whipped," Peter laughed.

Remus threw down his bacon and Peter soon found himself at the butt end of three very incensed glares.

"I mean, uh, cock... whipped?"

"Merlin, Pete, you're sick," Sirius sighed.

"I'm curious," James said, holding up his plump sausage, "why did you notice all the girls and not the way the guys look like they want to kill you?"

Sirius shrugged, but his eyes were glued to James' sausage as James gestured with it.

"Hungry, mate?" James leaned the plump meat into Sirius' face. Sirius simply frowned. James shrugged and took a bite with a smile.

Suddenly, Sirius was on his feet. "Fuck off, Prongs. I'll see you lot in Binns' class." He grabbed his books and stormed off.

James glared after Sirius. "What's gotten into him?" He noticed Remus watching him carefully.

Remus sighed and rubbed his forehead. "He thought you were teasing him. With the sausage thing, and after Pete just said... Well, after what Pete just said."

"Bloody hell! I just thought he was after my sausage! I mean, my meat. Fucking hell. My breakfast, Moony. I just thought he wanted my breakfast. He'd already eaten his own sau-- breakfast."

At that, Remus laughed. "I know. But it is unnerving to have everyone staring at you. It tends to make one paranoid."

"'S not everyone. Look, Xenophilius couldn't care less."

"Xenophilius thinks I'm an Erumpant," Remus answered with a smile.

"Oi, at least you are a magical creature. I wonder what he thinks I am," James grinned.

"A one-eyed one-horned flying purple people eater," Remus deadpanned.

"A what now?"

"It's a muggle song, you moron," Lily Evans chimed in. How had James not seen her sitting just a few feet away? Had she been there all this time?

James exchanged an amused glance with Remus-- or he tried to, but Remus' eyes were filled with the quiet sort of alarm that James had come to know intimately these last couple years. His mind flew to the conversation, to everything he'd said. Remus' eyes were asking, 'How much did Lily hear?'

Lily though, was up and gone in a moment. She didn't say goodbye to any of them, and the way she flitted by Remus without seeming to see him was troublesome in its unnaturalness. Even dense Peter frowned at James and Remus.

"Did she--" Peter started.

"No," James answered. "We've done this a dozen times. Just lead her off the trail. Sorry, mate."

Remus shrugged with a meek smile. "Like you said, we've done this a dozen times."

"Doesn't make me less sorry."

*****

By their morning break, all the tensions of breakfast between the Marauders had been forgotten. Early-season flurries were falling from the sky, and it altered their usual routine of sitting outside during break. Instead, they took seats in the Great Hall with the rest of the student body. Most people were no longer staring. The novelty of Sirius and Remus seemed to have worn off even before breakfast faded into pre-lunch hunger.

"We have to deal with the Slytherins next hour," James observed mundanely over his potions text. He was busy hurriedly finishing his definitions for the ten assigned potions ingredients.

Sirius grunted.

"Snape mostly keeps to himself in potions," Remus volunteered.

James paused and looked up, spinning his quill around a knuckle a couple times before he spoke. "You're not really that dense, Remus."

"What?" Remus asked, putting down a finger to hold his place in the novel he was reading for Muggle Studies.

Sirius was carefully spelling a housefly to do a pavane. The fly had some difficulty, as it had too many feet, but Sirius was intent on his work. Nonetheless, he was quite accomplished at listening in to conversations. Without taking his eyes or attention from the little processional fly, Sirius answered quietly, "Regulus pulls Snivellus's strings these days." He did not miss the irony, given his current preoccupation.

"But Regulus is so much younger," Peter objected.

"And more powerful," James supplied. "Snivellus likes power. He's not a pure blood, but being a Slytherin, of course he thinks he has to find one to follow around. And face it, Regulus is _cool_. Don't you think so, Moony?" James winked at Remus, who was across the table, and elbowed Sirius. "Handsome bloke, too, eh?"

Sirius spared a glance at Remus, who smiled once quickly and then went expressionless. "Very handsome, yes. I hear he's straight, though, more's the pity. You wouldn't happen to know if he has a less mentally-impaired, more open-minded, cuter, bent older brother? I could go for that."

"No, sorry mate," James answered without humor, "he _has_ got a bent older brother, but I don't know about the 'less mentally-impaired bit'." James flinched and squawked as he was kicked under the table. All four Marauders laughed deeply. The housefly escaped, grateful to be finished with its dance lessons for the day.

*****

The boys, however, were far from done with their own lessons. Potions was a long and boring preparation of a calming drought-- something they all knew how to do, but today the class were attempting to make it a different color without changing the formula, the idea being that you never knew when you might have to slip it into someone's drink.

Nothing had changed between the four of them. Remus and Sirius had hardly just become a couple this weekend. The real difference was that now, the rest of the school knew what Pete and James had known for a long while. Nevertheless, it was by longstanding tradition that James and Sirius paired off in potions. They usually found some way to morph the mixture into something devious and slip a little unseen into a vial for later. Remus couldn't abide it, and Sirius couldn't resist it, so the two of them had tried exactly once to work together in potions before deciding that their previous arrangement had been just fine.

They all finished for the morning, and gathered their rucksacks and bags, heading towards lunch.

"Would it kill them to have a window or two in there? I feel like I've been locked in a dungeon," James joked.

"Potter," a brash, throaty voice called from behind them. James froze, but Sirius poked James in the back and whispered, "Keep moving. I don't hear anyone important."

"Potter," the voice was closer, and James sped his steps. Sirius flung an arm over James' shoulders and called on ahead, "Oi, Moony, Wormtail, move a little faster will you? I'm so starved I just might eat Jay."

"Gross!" Peter called backwards.

Sirius kicked a long leg out and caught Peter in the bum. "How many fucking times do we have to tell you to keep your dirty thoughts to yourself?"

"_Sirius_!" their pursuer finally conceded his airs, as Regulus called out to the person he was no doubt really wanting to speak with. It was a show of submission. It was what Sirius had been holding out against, hoping not to hear, planning to escape.

Sirius groaned and spun, bringing James around in a full one-eighty as well. Remus and Peter stopped and turned to see what was going on.

Regulus stood in the dungeon hall haughtily facing down Sirius, very much a likeness to the Gryffindor brother, but with hair a shade lighter, and a jawline slightly more angular. Regulus was also taller by a full inch. His eyes matched Sirius', but the similarities ended there. Regulus had always followed all the rules for good little pure-blooded boys. _Toujurs pur._ Sirius liked to think his own personal motto was more like _toujurs fucking awesome, so suck my dick._ He cast a predatory grin at the boy who, whatever else he might be, was not Sirius' little brother. Flanking Regulus was none other than his groupie, Snivellus.

"Didja want something?"

"I owled Mum about your indiscretions. Which one of these boys is your," Regulus gulped, "concubine."

Sirius stiffened, and he could feel James bristle next to him as well. James instinctively restrained Sirius, as Sirius started to growl out threats, and not idle ones either.

Regulus started to laugh. It was a cruel, calculated thing, but it had the effect of calming Sirius, as he could see that he was being played, and that getting any more angered would simply fold himself further into Regulus' hand.

Then Remus stepped in front of James.

"It's you," Regulus hissed.

"I've never hexed a Slytherin before. You all claim it's always good fun. Shall I try it out and see?" Moony kept his eyes trained on Regulus as he spoke.

"Moony! Give him hell! You're my hero. Hex the filthy little maggot and his filthier big-nosed pet cockroach into next fucking week!" Sirius was seeing red now. He didn't want Regulus to so much as _look_ at Remus.

Remus pulled out his wand, and Regulus actually took a step back. Remus laughed. "Alas, but he's family. This rather reminds me of that muggle play by Shakespeare. I guess I'm Romeo!"

"Can I be Mercutio?" Sirius jumped up.

"You're Juliet, you poofter," James shoved him playfully.

"I think Peter should get to be Mercutio," Remus answered calmly, "He hardly ever gets the good parts, and James is clearly Benvolio."

"No, if Sirius is Juliet, I get to be Tybalt," James answered.

"Regulus is Tybalt, you slug head," Remus laughed, "That's what started this conversation!"

"Oh. Right. Yes. Benvolio then. Kill Tybalt, Pete!" James shoved Peter forward.

"What the _fuck_ are you all talking about?" Peter asked.

"Muggle literature," Remus answered.

"In the good name of Merlin, shut the bloody hell up about books and let me curse some Slytherins, yeah?" Sirius' wand was drawn now side-by side with Remus', which was probably why Regulus and Snivellus hadn't moved during the course of Remus' and James' literary exploration of the situation. Regulus stared at them with saucer-like grey eyes.

"Sirius," Remus whispered. "Don't."

"Look," Sirius sighed, seeming to suddenly lose momentum at Remus' words, "Reggie, I don't want to hex you, but you're being a right arsehole. Merlin knows why, it's not as if you were born one, but you really seem to believe old-fashioned politeness and manners don't extend to people you aren't related to by some contorted mess of blood. Heaven above pity you all the interesting people you treat like crap and never get to know. And no, Snivellus doesn't count as interesting. Or a person, really, when you get down to it. But, I had a point. Uh... right! I don't muck in your life. I let you go on living as a small-minded bigot if that's what you like. In return, I expect you to leave me alone when I want to be the open-minded and very incredibly amazing, young, and powerful wizard I am, yeah? If you want to break your end of the deal, I can just as easily break mine and make your life a living hell. You do know who owns this school, don't you?"

"Do you think people will still follow you after they discover you're a bloody pillow biter?" Regulus asked, his eyes narrowing.

"Yeah. Yeah, I do. Because I've still got the fastest wand, the shortest temper, the very best friends, and now they all know what kind of magic I'm _really_ capable of."

Regulus paled a touch at that particular argument. He glared at Sirius a moment longer before he shrugged and turned to Snape. "Come on, let's leave these losers alone," he said, and the pair walked off, but Regulus' words came out sounding flat and frightened, and Sirius was not fooled.

"Well," Peter shook his head. "Now I'm starved. Let's get to lunch."

"Lead the way, Mercutio my man, lead the way!" Sirius grinned. He did not expect they'd have any more problems from the Slytherins. Sirius prided himself on reading people and on usually being right about them, and he thought his point had sunk well into Reggie's head.

But even Sirius knew the difference between 'usually' and 'always'.


	8. How Strange, The Form of Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In school, the Remus and Sirius perform a complicated spell to marry their thoughts in a subtle but intricate union. They assume they will be together forever. They assume that misunderstandings aren't possible when you can read your partners' emotions. They will find out how wrong they were. Series starts out almost entirely fluff, epic-length. Angsty ending, though it is quite a ways off. (PM me if you need more info before you know if you can continue).

Chapter 7: The People Who Love You

Sirius played with the edge of the scroll, looking around at the eyes of his mates before unrolling it. James leaned towards him.

"You mind?" Sirius bristled defensively.

"Sorry," James replied.

"Yeah, 's my letter."

"But it's from _my_ mum."

Sirius shot James a glare.

"Sorry, sorry, your letter. Right."

Sirius leaned down over the scroll and began to read:

_Sirius,_

_So sorry we didn't get to say goodbye to you after the weekend. We had a lovely tea with the Lupins and Headmaster Dumbledore. When we were done, James told us you had gone to sleep. That's what he _told_ us, mind you. I think we all know what was really going on._

Sirius groaned and rubbed his forehead to hide a blush, shooting a glance at James. James laughed nervously.

_The Lupins are very nice people. Have you spent much time with them at all? We apologized to them about the whole-- you know, business. I don't feel comfortable putting that sort of thing in a letter where anyone might read it. Mind that you're as careful, Sirius. It's your secret too, now._

"It's _been_ my secret," Sirius mumbled to himself.

_Mr. Lupin-- John's his name-- comes from a very old wizarding family, though he's the last line, sadly. I know you don't care about bloodlines, but I mention it because it's quite interesting, the history of his family, and how all this business with Remus came about. You must ask about it. Apparently, John's family has been tangled with that sort for generations. It's a sort of blood feud, I guess you could call it. It's quite a touching story, when you think that the last descendant in a line raising, well, you know. John says Remus is such a sweet boy, very smart. John says he always has been, but I guess I don't need to tell you these things._

_Martha's a muggle. Not even a muggle-born witch, but an out-and-out muggle. What a fascinating way to grow up! I really should love to speak to Remus more about all of these things. Do you think you might like to bring him for the holidays?_

_None of this is why I write. I suspect by now that James has told you our thoughts on your own situation. I know how impossible it is to convince Sirius Black to do much of anything, and if I tried to move a mountain, dear, I'm afraid I might strain my back. I can understand if you have reservations, and after speaking so candidly to the Lupins over tea, I can guess where they'd come from. Nevertheless, I am quite serious about this. You know I won't hold you to our previous agreement; our home will always be your home. I just don't know whether my heart could take it, seeing you arrested over this. Please, don't let me be afraid for you. Think of the people who love you for a moment, I beg you._

_I can't and won't force you. You have shown that you are mature beyond your years. In fact, in many ways, you are mature beyond the years of many adults in this world, to see the very hearts of people. You've earned the right to make your own decisions, as has James. I can only ask you to do this, with the heart of a mother-- as _your_ mother. And clearly, I am not above begging._

Sirius, sitting at the Gryffindor table, sniffled and laughed. Remus and Pete's eyes were fixed on him.

James' eyes were fixed on the letter, held firmly out of his line of sight.

Sirius rubbed at an eyelid and kept reading.

_I do have one other request. I would like to get to know the Remus, and the Lupins, better. I would ask nothing different if James were to be married. We would be delighted to have Remus for the Christmas holiday if you want to ask him. The Lupins already okayed this. But, should circumstances prevent it (or if this isn't something you want, the decision is yours), then I would like to extend an invitation to them for Christmas dinner at the very least._

_Take care of yourself. I do love you, perhaps more than I've a right, considering._

_Love,  
Mum._

"Moon, moon," Sirius looked up and glanced around furiously. "Quill. Moon. Moony, December moon?"

"It's, uh, the twelfth? Eleventh?" He counted on his fingers. "Twelfth."

"Brilliant," Sirius beamed. "You're coming home with me for hols!"

"I... am? Don't you think I had better ask my parents?"

"No need. Mine have done," Sirius waved the scroll it the air. "Quick, _quill_," Sirius moaned, tearing off a clean corner of the parchment. James handed over a quill and ink. Sirius scribbled on his freshly-torn scrap for everyone to see:

_mum--_

_will think about it_

_moony says yes on hols!_

_your a peach_

_\--s.b._

*****

In the days following the letter, the castle settled into its routine. Sirius and Remus went back to sneaking their sex as they had done for the previous year. To James, their relationship redeveloped the total invisibility it had possessed prior to their union. They had never shown affection in front of others, and the only indications that their feelings towards each other were different than towards the other Marauders were subtle: if Moony dropped a book, Sirius was quick to pick it up; if Sirius picked a fight, it was only Remus who could talk him down. Otherwise, Sirius and James were out for Slytherin blood, as usual. Remus worried about his studies, the moon, and disobedient students, not including Sirius and James. Peter tried to keep up with all three of them, and ended up with half-played pranks and half-finished homeworks. James was quite relieved at the return of the status quo.

The other students, too, seemed eager to forget that anything was out of the ordinary. Even in Gryffindor Tower, no one made mention of it. In fact, life had returned to its normalcy with an almost eerie swiftness. No doubt the upcoming exams were a big help towards that end.

Geena, though, was still a bit weird. Not just her, either. Loads of Hufflepuff girls, and as time passed some of the Ravenclaws, seemed less likely to get angry at Sirius for doing foolish things. Sirius confessed to James that it was quite a relief to be able to get away with more, and all just because he was a poof. James hit him.

Sirius never shared the contents of James' mum's owl with James or Remus, but he did admit that he was thinking of being registered after all. James simply remarked that his mum must be the most powerful witch in the Universe to convince Sirius Black to do anything, to which Sirius answered that it was entirely possible. After all, Walburga had spent a decade trying to make Sirius do something as simple as wearing a tie on the weekends, and had never been a tenth as successful as Mrs. Potter.

James occasionally felt a pang of pity for Regulus. Regulus was the loser, the boy who'd once had a brilliant older brother and now had a dungeon full of Slytherins in trade. But James couldn't be bothered to care that much, because he was James the Winner. Besides, Regulus seemed to like his viper pit.

*****

The following week was the impending full moon. It fell on a Thursday night, and Remus fretted more than usual. He fretted over Sirius' well-being, over Dumbledore's proclamation, over just about anything he could think to fret about, down to and including whether they were supposed to have read the foreword of the Charms chapter as well as the chapter itself, and if the hot cross buns were made on iron or stainless steal pans.

"Why do you care?" Peter gasped in exasperation at breakfast.

"Well, if it uses the iron, you can sort of taste it, can't you? Here, eat this. Tell me if you taste the iron."

Peter accepted the bun, only to throw it at Remus' head.

Of course Sirius noticed Remus' bad mood. Likely the people three towns over were noticing, as anxious as Remus felt. And of course Sirius tried to ease Remus' worries the best way he knew how: sex.

Mostly, they used the time during Quidditch practice for sex in the comfort of the bedroom (they had other locales, but they were all lacking, boasting carpeted floors at best). Remus privately guessed that this particular fornication schedule was a large part of why Sirius didn't want to try out for the team again. James was always gone during practice, and Peter was easy enough to kick out. He'd been forced from the room enough over the past year that by now he'd taken to watching James practice unless the weather was unpleasant. Then he would do his homework in the library, with the mutual understanding that this was Remus-and-Sirius' dorm-room time. Sometimes Remus felt guilty, but then Sirius would shake his dark hair and answer, "Don't. Have you seen his marks? He needs the study." It would always provoke a chuckle from Remus, mostly because it was true. Still, forced studiousness by sexile seemed cruel. Not near cruel enough for Remus to give up sex, though. That would have been a whole different degree of cruelty, the likes of which Remus couldn't wrap his rather good imagination around.

Pre-moon shags were always predictable, preoccupied. They were spent trying to reach a peak of sensation without stretching their methods. Sirius' fingers pushing into Remus had become a fairly standard part of their sex now. Remus bathed in the way that being fucked felt as seen through Sirius' nerve endings. He could never reach such a pinnacle himself; perhaps he wasn't built for it, somehow. But he was beyond caring, so long as he could seek it this way. Their angles were more to Sirius' liking: sometimes they lay on their sides, Sirius' back to Remus' front, but Sirius couldn't reach Remus' arse that way, so they did more face-to-face than they used to. Remus could not complain. He liked the utterly wasted expression of Sirius high on sex, and he never ever got over seeing himself entering and exiting Sirius' body. Yeah, Sirius did know how to cheer him up. One by one they collapsed into silence and folded into theeach other to recover.

Sirius, as usual, couldn't stay quiet. "So," he leaned over Remus after the particularly good pre-moon shag (and hopefully before a lovely reprise), "Mum tells me your dad has quite a story with your family and whatnot. And werewolves."

Remus sighed. "He didn't tell the Potters that. Surely." Remus, though, already knew the answer.

Sirius harrumphed. "So what's all this you haven't told me?" He fished around the floor for a cigarette, but Remus beat him to the pack and threw them across the room.

"Well, my name, right?"

"Yes, you have one. I noticed. What about it?" Sirius had on his naughtiest smile.

"Well, it's all... wolfish. Didn't you notice?"

"Can't say I did."

"Sirius, come on. You're not stupid."

"Yeah, uh, Remus was some Roman bloke who... liked to suck on wolf tits, right? You suck on wolf tit as a pup?"

"Sirius." Remus was losing his patience. Sirius' response was to bare Remus' chest and begin sucking on a nipple. "Sirius!"

"What? Weren't we discussing this?"

"Remus was raised by wolves. He was supposedly killed by his brother, Romulus. And Lupin, of course--"

"Yeah," Sirius nodded, dropping the joke, "I have to admit, I always thought it was a bit ironic, your name. I get it." Sirius slid up to look Remus in the eye. "You parents didn't change your name then, after you were bitten?"

"Change... no! Merlin, that would be cruel."

"I thought so, but I didn't want to implicate... I mean, it seemed rude to ask."

Remus sighed. "My dad is the last in a line of werewolf hunters that dates back to dark-age Finland."

"You're not pulling my conker?"

"I... Sirius, I don't think that's a real saying. Not that I wouldn't be happy to put this conversation aside and do just that." Remus reached over and grabbed Sirius' bollocks. Sirius yelped and jumped and started giggling and snorting as he tried to detach Remus from his nether regions.

"Hey," Sirius laughed, "I was trying to have a conversation instead of having sex for once! I see what you're doing and it's not going to work." He settled in again beside Remus and poked Remus between the ribs. "You were telling me about your dad's bloodline."

"Right. He's the last of the line. Well, _I'm_ the last in the line," Remus corrected, "but I've no intention of having children, besides which I'm curved round like a pretzel. My ancestors would probably pour forth from their graves if a cock-knocker lycanthrope was to perpetuate the line. There's a thousand years of hating werewolves in our blood. Well, _their_ blood," Remus smirked wryly.

"Bloody hell, that's nothing. My family's got at least two thousand years recorded history of hating werewolves, and just about every-bloody-one else. I can't say I ever asked them how they felt about mincers. I never brought the subject up, regrettably." Sirius grinned like he'd discovered something particularly fascinating, and Remus guessed that if Sirius regretted anything, it wasn't discussing views on sexual orientation with his family.

"Between them both, I'm sure we could amass an army of undead against us," Remus smiled, but the smile slid off into a sigh. "So. Yes. The tradition calls for very... wolfish surnames. Going back forever. I don't know why I managed to land one as a given name, too. Just lucky, I guess. The whole thing confuses me, as it seems like adopting the culture of your enemy, but back in Finland they would also dress in the pelts of the... of the werewolves they'd killed. Murdered," Remus corrected himself.

Sirius opened and closed his mouth, but he didn't need to speak to communicate. The horrifying image of his favorite werewolf's pelt draped over someone's shoulders shot through their subconscious connection like electricity. Sirius looked like he might be sick.

"So that's why Fenrir Greyback attacked me. He thought it was... poetic justice, what with me being the last of the Lupin line. And what's more, I suppose he was right. At the very least, the last of the werewolf hunters left off werewolf hunting entirely. You can't exactly be in that line of work and raise a werewolf, also. My dad... he's very... he's the best, Pads, really, the best. He doesn't see werewolves versus people. I don't think he ever did. He sees people with evil intents and people with good intents, and children, lord knows, whose intents are still changeable. He's bound to love you, Pads," Remus' voice had dropped to a whisper. "You were raised under the influence of people with the worst intentions, and look at you." Remus laughed, giddy. "Look at you, beautiful boy, shagged silly by a half-blood _and_ a werewolf."

Sirius grunted deep in his throat. "Sounds like two people, dunnit?" His eyes were beginning to close, though the slivers of grey still visible watched Remus, mesmerised. Remus could feel an unreasonable degree of sheer adoration radiating from Sirius. "The half-blood and the werewolf."

"Better not be," Remus kissed the top of Sirius' head. Sirius made a quiet noise that didn't qualify as an answer, and Remus let his beautiful Sirius drift off to sleep, occasionally snuffling his nose into Sirius' mussed hair to smell the boy who was _his_, a boy who would never shy away from pain or fear.

Yes, sex did ease his worries, for a little while at least.


	9. How Strange, The Form of Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In school, the Remus and Sirius perform a complicated spell to marry their thoughts in a subtle but intricate union. Fluffy beginning, epic-length, angsty ending. It sticks somewhat close to canon throughout.

Chapter 8: The Transformation

Sirius ended up with a night-long detention with Madam Pomfrey. It was his punishment for the bonding spell, technically, and no one in the school thought twice about the fact that Sirius was going to spend all night scrubbing the hospital wing and checking its stores.

The Marauders knew that, far from a routine punishment, this was Dumbledore's way of keeping Sirius inside and under supervision during the full moon. Surely Dumbledore couldn't give Sirius all-night detention every full moon? Likely Dumbledore wanted to know what happened with the connection between Sirius and Remus before making any further decisions, the boys reasoned together.

What truly shocked all of the Marauders, though, was that Dumbledore made no provision towards restraining James for the night. Did he think that James wouldn't dare head out to Remus without Sirius? Even if Peter hadn't also been an animagus, of course James would have gone. Without Sirius, James wouldn't feel comfortable letting the wolf loose from the shack, but the company was still terribly helpful. James had to wonder if that was part of Dumbledore's plan: keep Remus inside, but not without company. Keep Sirius under observation, but likewise not without company. Dumbledore was a sneaky one. He hadn't been a Slytherin, but James often wondered why the bloody hell not.

Until he remembered just how equally sneaky he could be, when properly motivated.

All three boys came with Sirius to drop him off in the hospital wing at five thirty. They were subdued, Remus most of all. No doubt he wasn't feeling terribly great, but it was more than that, and they all knew it. Remus was terrified for Sirius tonight. Sirius, though, was not equally terrified, neither for himself nor for Remus. Remus would have James and Pete, and that eased Sirius visibly.

"He'll be fine," James elbowed Moony. "You worry too much." James could only hope he spoke the truth.

*****

Sirius hung to the back of the crowd as Madam Pomfrey invited all four boys into the infirmary. She met them with a glare, but it failed to reach the sort of intensity it was probably meant to, and came off more comical than severe.

"So, Mister Black, we'll be keeping you busy tonight, if we can. You'll mostly be cleaning the ward. The house elves come in and do it, as you know, but it can't hurt to have a more thorough cleaning every once in a while. It helps one appreciate the work the house elves do, I find. After doing that, we'll have you check the stores and do inventory. I never trust the house elves with that. Quite frankly, there are very few students with which I would trust that task. I believe you understand the necessity of having well-stocked stores, such that speeding through the job will not be your priority?" She eyed him with something like a smile.

Sirius nodded, getting the message. She was trying to convey to him the importance of his efforts in helping Remus, month after month. Sirius would never rush anything that could hurt Remus in the long run. "Yes, ma'am."

"Good. Then, should we get any patients in the morrow," she shrugged, truly seeming to think she might not have any, let alone that she had a standing appointment, "you'll be required to help me care for them. Doing as I say, and nothing else, if that's understood?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"You have very high marks in your classes, and I looked up your scores on your first aid exam in Charms, Mister Black. Needless to say, I was impressed. There were only two hundred-percent scores, yourself and Mister Potter here. One would think you regularly went about administering first aid."

"Not, um, hopefully not," Sirius said meekly. "Good sort of thing to know." He bowed his head and felt guilty, though he didn't know why. They were talking in circles around Remus' lycanthropy, even though everyone in the room was fully aware of the situation. It made Sirius... indignant. It wasn't anything to be ashamed of, and they were among friends. Still, he knew he was supposed to pretend that he didn't know all the things he knew most intimately-- the turmoil of lycanthropy, the way it felt to make love to a boy, the sensation of a world of smells through a dog's nose, the terror of the purebloods' "disciplinary charms"-- secrets all of them, none with any reason.

"Alright," Madam Pomfrey nodded and smiled, a quite warm smile this time. "Mister Black and I have some more personal matters to discuss. I will see you boys later."

The others nodded and cast their eyes towards Sirius. "Pads--" Remus started.

"See you in the morning," Sirius winked at him. "Don't have too much fun without me, right? In return, I'll try not to seduce Madam Pomfrey."

Pomfrey blushed, proving that she was, after all, a woman like any other, and that Padfoot, bent or not, still had it where it mattered.

"Yeah, and try not to do anything I would do, mate," James answered. "Be nice if the hospital wing were still standing in the morning."

"Right. Good. Thanks for the reminder!" Sirius barked a happy laugh that didn't in the least match his emotions, and watched with feined indifference piled on like laquer over a sinking sensation of disappoinment as James prodded Remus out of the room. Peter trailed behind.

"Say hey to Queen Mab for me," Sirius called after them.

*****

Poppy had no intention of asking Mister Black to clean. In truth, it was his health about which she was truly concerned. He was about to ride out his first lunar transition, bonded to a lycanthrope. His body wouldn't change-- Dumbledore was certain of it, or else they ought to have sent him to the shack with Mister Lupin. Still, Mister Black _insisted_ he was fine, and what's more, since she didn't need him to clean, he insisted on doing the inventory. He tried, anyway.

She watched, quill and parchment at the ready because notes of this kind always proved invaluable later, while Black counted cotton swabs. And then counted them again. Then lost count and tried to count them again. At the last, he threw down the basket of cotton swabs and grabbed at his head.

"Fucking--" he groaned, right before he crashed his head into the stone wall.

Poppy was on her feet in an instant. "Mister Black!"

He pounded his head against the wall again.

"Mister Black!" she pulled out a calming draught. "You must calm down. You'll injure yourself."

His head cracked again against the stone. "It's fucking _in my head_."

"Yes, but-- That can't possibly make your head feel _better_."

Black shook his head rapidly, his tied up hair whipping from side to side. He growled and repeated the motion as if trying to clear his head.

"Here's a calming--"

"Do you mind if I change?"

"What's that?"

"Dumbledore told you I'm an unregistered animagus--"

"No, he didn't--"

"Well, I am, and I need... Fuckit." Sirius Black ceased to be, then. In a molten swirl of magic, the place where he'd stood came to be occupied by a large black dog, ears twitching actively and attentively. To her relief, however, the addled look of distracted pain seemed to have faded from his eyes with the change in form. His tail thumped against the ground, and he raised his throat to the ceiling to loose a hoarse, unpractised howl.

No one in the entirety of the castle could have failed to hear the answering sound. Poppy could imagine students in every dorm waking. The hairs on her neck and arms stood on end, and she wondered if Black had done something horribly wrong. Everyone knew werewolves were drawn to the sound of their kind. The werewolf howl was louder than the dog's had been, even though she was standing right next to the dog. The werewolf's cry seemed to cut right through the air and vibrate inside of her head. It made her teeth shake, though she couldn't tell whether that was fear or simply the sound itself. It repeated. Three times in a minute. In a minute that was possibly the longest minute of her life.

Then Black was in motion. He was scrambling across the polished stone floor, stumbling, slipping and sliding towards a cracked window on the side of the hospital wing that faced towards Hogsmeade and the Shrieking Shack. He loosed another howl. It sounded a bit more practised this time.

The werewolf answered.

And again, Black loosed his cry, stronger with every try. And again, the werewolf answered. Black's tail swung back and forth with so much energy that it threw items from a bedside table and even toppled a chair. Poppy, though she was not an animal lover, and though she was frightened by what was happening, had to admit that seeing a joyful dog was always a happy sight. Knowing that the joyful dog was a boy-- well. Black, clearly, loved this wolf easily as much as he loved the boy it broke from every month.

The door to the hospital wing swung open, and Dumbledore stood there, taking in the scene before him: Black's cries and the wolf's answering howls. They varied in pitch now: a conversation? Well, it might have been, who could tell? Perhaps it was just a chorus of reassuring sound. Maybe they needed to know each other were out there somewhere. The wolf's howl, happily, stayed as distant as ever.

Dumbledore-- _smiled_. "I take it, Poppy, that Mister Black endured his own particular transformation with far less violence than that of a werewolf?"

"He got up and complained that something was in his head. He was beating his head on the wall, and then," she gestured across the room.

"Ah. So not entirely without its pain, but Mister Black is not unused to pain, I'm afraid. He does very well with it. Not a trait I would force on my worst enemy, considering how one comes about that particular talent." Dumbledore frowned, watching Black howl. "Yes," he sighed. "I think Mister Black and Mister Lupin were right all along. Most of all, they were right in thinking that no one would think they were right. Brave boys. I think you can leave him to it now, Poppy, and get some sleep if you like. No doubt he'll still be here in the morning, awaiting your monthly charge."

She nodded. "You think it's safe, Albus?"

"Safe? Oh yes. Sirius is in his right mind, and he seems perfectly unconcerned."

Poppy turned to examine the big dog, now drooling happily on one of the hospital beds. 'In his right mind' was not something she would ordinarily use to describe such a sight, but with Sirius Black... sure, why not? She nodded and followed Dumbledore out of the room, stopping to call out, "Mister Black, I'll see you in the morning. I'm going to get some shut eye."

He quietly barked twice in acknowledgment, not even turning his head, and it did almost sound like a 'yes, ma'am.' Her friends had said she was crazy to give up an exciting job at St. Mungo's for work at Hogwarts. Fools.

*****

Poppy let Black sleep in the ward the following day. He and Lupin curled shamelessly into one twin-sized hospital bed. They didn't really sleep. They dozed, and in their wakeful moments, they talked. This whispered, they laughed, they snogged. She didn't listen in. She brought them lunch. She brought them dinner and then sent them back to their dorm room.

When they were gone, she missed them. The two boys were life incarnate, overflowing with everything it was to be human and to have a reason to get up in the morning. She remembered the way their hands had entwined while Black told a story about a mermaid. As Black had believed that the story clearly required much frantic gesturing, Lupin's sore and scarred arm followed Black's hand on its journey through underwater lands. Lupin's dark-ringed eyes shone with laughter whenever Black seemed to lose track of his story and start making bits up. When Lupin spoke, Black's usually flighty attention circled in on the soft-spoken boy as if he was the only thing in the Universe.

Dumbledore's words came back to her. _I think Mister Black and Mister Lupin were right all along._

She still wasn't sure what Albus had been referring to, but everything she had seen had looked so very 'right' that she was inclined to agree.


	10. How Strange, The Form of Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In school, the Remus and Sirius perform a complicated spell to marry their thoughts in a subtle but intricate union. Fluffy beginning, epic-length, angsty ending. It sticks somewhat close to canon throughout.

Chapter 9: All Ye Faithful

"My bloody scarf!" Sirius was crawling under James' bed, legs flailing out onto the stone floor behind him. James rolled his eyes and tried not to laugh.

"It's right over here, Sirius," Peter called.

"Couldn't you have said something?"

"Didn't I just?"

Sirius wiggled back out from under the bed and snapped the scarf away from Peter to wend it around his neck. "Alright then. Anything else missing?"

"Your marbles," James commented quietly, for which he was cuffed on the side of the head. He didn't really mind.

Remus, who had been leaning back in his bed with a book this entire time, looked up. "Are we finally leaving, then?"

"If the train hasn't left without us," Peter mumbled.

"The train hasn't bloody left yet," Sirius groaned. "It's only--"

"Half past," Remus supplied.

"See, time to stop in Honeyduke's and everything."

"That's Sirius-speak for 'I haven't gotten Mum a present yet', see," James explained to Peter, who nodded enthusiastically.

"I got my mum a book," Remus volunteered.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Has she even finished the ones you gave her last year and the year before?"

"I haven't asked," Remus shrugged. The four boys bundled up and and headed for the stairs. They were the last in the tower, and elves Apparated and Disapparated again with their trunks as they left the common room, and soon the castle, behind.

"So you're really going to come get registered?" James asked Sirius as they walked to Hogsmeade station. The day was cold, but clear and not unpleasant.

"Yeah," Sirius shook his head. "Mum laid this huge 'I'll die if you go to prison' line on me. I wouldn't want to be responsible for all of that," Sirius' lips quirked in a smile. "Now, if it were Walburga that would die, we'd have a real good deal there. Bet she'd die if she knew Moony was a werewolf, but not before she sent half the _toujours pur_ crowd out for his blood." Sirius' smile turned into a scowl.

"Can we not discuss that?" Remus asked quietly from the back of the group. "I mean, as fascinating a conversation topic as it may be to you, Pads, it doesn't sit so well with me to consider my murder. I was rather wondering if we had time for a butterbeer, and now I feel like I'd better walk backwards to make sure I stay alive until the train, just to make sure no one is sneaking up behind us."

"Sorry, then," Sirius answered nonchalantly from his place up ahead at James' side. It was strange to James, in a way, that Sirius' place was at James' side, considering he and Remus-- but with their connection, they seemed to rarely notice that they weren't next to each other. One difference since their union was that sometimes one would turn to speak to the other, having forgotten the other wasn't in the room. Sirius had told James that it did seem as though Moony was always standing just behind him, close enough that he could feel Moony's moods shift.

The boys did not end up having time for a hot butterbeer, though they did split up to make runs into the bookstore and Honeyduke's before wresting a bunch of first years from their usual spot on the train and settling in for the ride.

The compartment was chilly, and the boys were giddy-- Remus and Sirius both especially so because they were spending their first holiday together-- so no one was really surprised when Remus pulled out a wool blanket and he and Sirius curled up underneath it. They both still poked out enough to be involved in conversations, but only just. Sirius made some comment on James' quidditch magazine, and Remus eventually pulled out a book to read, but they both sat there huddled under the blanket like a couple blokes in love, which, James decided, was fair, because that's rather what they were.

All four boys, who'd stayed up late breaking into the firewhisky and playing gobstones the night before, were sound asleep by the time the Hogwarts Express pulled into the station in London.

******

"Here, hand me that--"

"That's my trunk--"

"Pads, your scarf is--"

"Oi, gerrof my scarf!"

"I told you!"

"Don't turn around, alright?"

"This is your trunk and that's my trunk, Moony."

"Who cares? We're going the same place."

"Sirius, you're standing on my coat."

"Well why is your coat so damned long? Wormy, you--"

"Ouch! Black!"

The Marauders' jostling came to an abrupt halt when James spoke Sirius' surname. He never did unless he was furious at Sirius, or unless-- Yes, indeed, Sirius looked up to see that Regulus had just shoved James aside rather harshly.

"That's the one, Mum," Regulus said, pointing-- _pointing_ Remus out to Walburga Black, like Sirius' boyfriend was an animal oddity at some traveling carnival.

"Don't look his way, Regulus. He's no concern of yours."

Sirius, quite apart from whatever anyone expected, smiled, winked at Remus, and spoke quite loudly. "What'd I tell you. No concern, see?"

"Monsieur Padfoot, you are a genius of the most prestigious caliber."

"Why thank you, Monsieur Moony. You are quite shaggable yourself."

They certainly got Walburga's-- periphery-- attention. "Monsieur Padfoot, do you suppose we could make an arrangement? I should very much like to bed you." Remus was blushing a tiny bit, but clearly even he could see that this was for the good of all humanity.

"Moony, Moony, mon ami, please fuck me anon!"

It was too much and Remus burst out laughing, followed by the rest of the Marauders. Walburga ended up acknowledging Sirius after all, making a distasteful sound in her throat before walking off. She did not turn to see that Regulus wasn't following.

"What's got into you, Sirius?" Regulus, a furious color of red, seemed to have dropped his 'pure blooded Slytherin' role to fall easily into 'embarrassed little brother.'

Sirius slung an arm mock-drunkenly over Regulus and raised an imaginary mug. "I, good young man with whom I haven't the pleasure of having acquaintance, am a free man, with friends, and in love. And now if you'll excuse me, I think I see my mum." Sirius shoved Regulus away somewhat violently and gathered his things, wrenching his scarf back from James and hailing the Potters as they approached down the platform. Regulus stood by, his eyes empty. Sirius simply refused to care. Whatever else Regulus was, he was not Sirius' little brother.

Sirius' little brother was the nutter trying to say goodbye to Peter by pickpocketing the boy's wallet-- with very little talent at pickpocketing-- until Peter and James were practically wrestling on the platform.

Sirius was grinning for all his worth by the time they'd let Peter-- and his wallet-- go, and were slipping into the unobtrusive broom closet on the lower level that was secretly the floo point for wizards coming from and going to King's Cross.

*****

At Remus' own home, they celebrated Christmas the muggle way. First the nativity went up in the corner of the room, then the tree and trimmings always in their proper order: fairy lights, garlands, ornaments. They put an angel on top. Remus' mum made cider and hot cocoa. His dad would go out for candy canes and Remus would always pluck one off the tree to pop into his hot cocoa in the evenings. Sometimes he would even drink cold milk with a candy cane in it. His mum baked cookies in all the holiday shapes and put sprinkles on top, and as a child Remus had always helped her with the decorations, eating as many of the bright sprinkles and dyed sugars as he got on the cookies. His mum's recipe was the absolute best. They lit a fire every night and sometimes Remus' mum would play carols at her old, out of tune upright piano. Remus sung along. On Christmas Eve (with the exception of one year that Remus could remember when a full moon had done him the great discourtesy of falling between Christmas Eve and Christmas Day), they would drive to the parish in town for mass, because Remus' mum was Catholic (and it wasn't enough to be a werewolf and a shirtlifter, that of course he had to be Catholic on top of that). They lit candles and sang the hymns that Remus had known all his life. His mum never let him take Holy Communion, and so he sat in his pew while everyone else filed out to do theirs. They gave him looks, and just once he'd begged his mum to let him and she'd actually snapped at him and told him she would drag him out of the mass right now if he didn't behave himself.

His dad never took Communion either, and that was a comfort.

"Didn't you become Catholic when you and mum got married?" he asked his dad once as they watched the people wait in line for the Eucharist.

"Eh? Oh, yes."

"Mum says I can't go because I haven't had my First Communion, but you can, can't you?"

His father shrugged. "Don't see a need."

He'd been about ten at the time of that conversation, and he hadn't realized until the following year that his Dad didn't take Communion because _Remus_ couldn't. It was still yet another couple years before Remus thought to wonder why he hadn't had a First Communion with the other Catholic kids his age.

There was no reason he shouldn't have, except--

Except. Did his mum believed that drinking blessed red wine would injure Remus in some way? That was ridiculous, wasn't it?

Every Christmas since, he thought of sitting in his pew during Communion as the "sit of shame," as the holy and devoted processed towards their God. He became ever grateful for his dad's silent company in the pew, and decided that he and his dad, _wizards_, didn't need this daft muggle religion anyway. He'd somehow got it in his head that wizards didn't follow it at all.

He learned the falsity of that quickly at the Potters. The Potters had Christmas in the traditional wizarding sense. If anything, Sirius made it more so, because any archaic traditions the Potters might otherwise leave out, Sirius insisted upon. The resulting holiday became some awful, strange mash of Yule and the muggle Christmas, complete with a coven of witches dancing around a baby Jesus. Remus thought his mother would have fainted dead away.

But mostly, things were the same. Mrs. Potter made mulled butterbeer, which passed well enough for his mum's mulled cider, and a thick chocolate eggnog. They all went out one evening and cut down a tree, Sirius pigheadedly insisting on staying as a dog and doing his damnedest to trip Remus into every snowbank they crossed. The group of them levitated the tree back while Padfoot chased it, barking all the while as though he'd never seen a levitation charm before. James kept screeching, "Padfoot, shut _up_," and Remus rubbed his head to try and forestall an oncoming headache. Mr. Potter brought out a box of Honeyduke's finest that he'd had shipped, and that was _all_ they used as tree ornaments, in addition to heatless flame charms that made the tree an eerie blue. Remus plucked a candy from where it hovered listlessly between two branches. He unwrapped the pinching peppermint and dropped it in his cocoa nog.

In the lazy evenings, Remus, James, and Sirius would retire to the back room. They'd sneak Romanian red rum into their drinks and talk by the fire. Remus and Sirius touched, their hands brushing in conversation or in the passing of a bottle, and James's every glance would grow steadily more heavily shadowed until he finally excused himself to bed.

The third night of this odd behavior was also Christmas Eve, and just after James had left the room, Remus turned to Sirius. "I suppose he feels like the third wheel around here?"

"Who, James?"

"No, the vampire living under your bed. Yes, of course James."

"He's jealous 'cause he can probably hear us screwing across the hall."

Remus paled. "You don't... you don't really think he can hear us?"

"No! Besides, if he could he would have cast a charm or something on himself. He's not stupid."

"Yeah. Right." Remus hardly looked settled.

"No, I really reckon he _is_ jealous, though."

"Over?..."

Sirius shrugged and volunteered no information.

"Over Lily?! Surely not. He just teases her. No, I don't think he's serious about that _at all_."

Sirius waggled his eyebrows and crossed his arms.

"Wait, you mean to say you know differently?"

Sirius said nothing, and sat as still as a statue. Well, as still as Sirius trying to sit as still as a statue.

"He really does feel as strongly about her as he pretends to? Merlin. He has some strange ways of showing it."

"I didn't tell you," Sirius said. "If James asks, I mean."

"No, you didn't tell me, actually. I ought to have found that more frustrating."

Sirius grinned and answered in his best spooky voice, "I'm in your head, Moooooony."

"And I yours, don't forget."

Sirius poked Remus in the ribs and dragged him to his feet. "Time for bed. You're being cute and I want to snog you senseless and I feel that you would prefer we did that upstairs."

"Yes, quite, thank you for your consideration."

"Any time, any time."


	11. How Strange, The Form of Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In school, the Remus and Sirius perform a complicated spell to marry their thoughts in a subtle but intricate union. Fluffy beginning, epic-length, angsty ending. It sticks somewhat close to canon throughout.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
**Current location:** |  [St. Paul, MN](http://maps.google.com/maps?q=St.+Paul,+MN)  
---|---  
**Current mood:** |   
discontent  
**Current music:** |   
[The Smashing Pumpkins](http://www.last.fm/music/The+Smashing+Pumpkins) \- [Blue Skies Bring Tears](http://www.last.fm/music/The+Smashing+Pumpkins/_/Blue+Skies+Bring+Tears) | Powered by [Last.fm](http://www.last.fm/)  
  
**Entry tags:** |   
[!fandom: harry potter](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/%21fandom:+harry+potter), [chaptered: how strange](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/chaptered:+how+strange), [character: james potter](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/character:+james+potter), [character: lily evans](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/character:+lily+evans), [character: remus lupin](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/character:+remus+lupin), [character: sirius black](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/character:+sirius+black), [characters: mwpp](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/characters:+mwpp), [length: 2000+ words](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/length:+2000%2B+words), [pairing: lily/james](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/pairing:+lily/james), [pairing: remus/sirius](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/pairing:+remus/sirius)  
  
  
_**How Strange, The Form of Fear: Chapter 10 [Harry Potter]**_  
**Fandom:** Harry Potter  
**Title: **How Strange, The Form of Fear  
**Chapter:** 10: Christmas Day  
**Summary: **In school, the Remus and Sirius perform a complicated spell to marry their thoughts in a subtle but intricate union. Fluffy beginning, epic-length, angsty ending. It sticks somewhat close to canon throughout.  
**This Chapter:** Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, a religious crisis, and the Lupins come for dinner.  
**Characters/Pairings: **Remus/Sirius, eventual James/Lily  
**Rating/Warnings: **NC-17.  
**AN:** Unbeta'd.  
**Word Count:** 2366

Chapter 10: Christmas Day

Christmas Eve, according to the muggle poem that Remus grew up with, was supposed to be quiet: "not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse," and all that. If so, their bedroom certainly failed to get the message. What had begun as lazy kisses turned into something more, as it was wont to do pretty much any time the two of them had a room alone together and began on lazy kisses. Still, it being Christmas Eve, Sirius was more giving than usual.

Sirius really _really_ liked it in the back passage. Since their joining, Remus was coming to understand why that was. Every time he fucked Sirius, he felt the explosion of electricity that seemed to arch up and down all of Sirius' nerve endings echoing through his own. He almost never got through sex anymore without trying to get Sirius to shove a finger or two inside of him, always in an attempt to gain for himself that all-over-buzzed sensation Sirius was feeling. Remus had already reasoned with himself about a thousand times that it seemed Sirius' body was uniquely designed to give him pleasure in this way, and the secondary pleasure even Remus could feel from Sirius' climaxes were easily the equal of what Remus got from fucking. Sirius was somehow wired to be fucked.

And yet, with all of this increased appreciation of Sirius' point of view, and even with the enjoyment of having fingers in himself, Remus simply did not have the desire to be fucked again. He'd done it several times and simply hadn't enjoyed it. He was coming to believe that he wasn't built the same way as Sirius, and that maybe it was a good thing, chancing as they did to have between themselves one bloke who liked to do the poking and one who liked to be poked. Furthermore, Sirius never suggested it. Remus knew the truth about that: Sirius liked to get fucked and Sirius Black had a selfish streak about a furlong wide. If Sirius' overall character wasn't so huge as to dwarf that, it could have been a major flaw.

Christmas Eve sex, though, with Sirius being generous in general, made Remus feel that he might ask for more. What more, he didn't know and couldn't say, so really, asking for that was out of the question.

Sirius, though, didn't wait for him to ask. Sirius was in the habit of taking what he wanted and giving what he liked, and so Remus tried not to think about what was happening when Sirius coaxed Remus onto his stomach and then began to lick at Remus' arsehole, moaning all the while. Remus didn't react at first. To be honest, he was just too shocked by what was happening. Then exactly what _was_ happening managed to pass through his brain: Sirius was putting his _tongue_ in Remus' _arsehole_, the same place he had just taken a dump out of not a couple hours earlier. He wanted to feel sick. He actually did spare a thought for being self-conscious, but it wasn't like arseholes were supposed to smell like roses, right? Plus, it didn't seem like Sirius minded at all...

And this was the thought that passed straight from his brain to his cock. Sirius _didn't_ mind. Sirius sounded like Christmas had come fucking early by the sounds he was making back there, and Remus could feel Sirius trying to do better, get in deeper, pull Remus' cheeks apart farther.

Remus came with a strangled cry, twisting his arse away from Sirius' grip as Sirius laughed, probably thrilled at his new-found ability to bring Remus off this way. Cocky arse, Sirius Black. He thought he was some kind of god-given gift to sex.

Remus was too well-fucked to admit that maybe Sirius had actually earned some of the cockiness.

*****

When he breached his reverie, Remus realized he'd been sitting, staring at the fairy ring and coven dance around Jesus long enough for his tea to grow cold. Chilly arms shivered around his waist, and Remus knew it was Sirius who had brought him back to this planet from his own strange wanderings.

"Did your family do this whole Jesus thing?" Remus asked as Sirius folded himself comfortable into a sitting position on the floor behind Remus.

"Yeah," Sirius sighed. "We floo'd every Sunday to mass at Lesnes Abbey. It's a ruin down in Bexley, or so the muggles think. A muggle-born wizard bought it a couple hundred years ago and sold it to the highest bidder, which actually happened to be the Blacks, so the family _owns_ the Abbey. It's quite heavily charmed to keep the muggles from finding out that it's more than a rubble pile."

"Who-- if you don't mind my asking, who conducts mass?"

"Oh, some Roman bloke. Latin mass and all that."

"I... Sirius, I had no idea you were Catholic."

"Well, that's a bit of a stretch," Sirius' warm breath ruffled into Remus' ear. "Wizarding Catholic isn't proper Roman Catholic anymore. We split off about the time of the fall of the Holy Roman Empire. I thought you paid attention in History of Magic?"

"When did we cover this in History of Magic?"

"Well, I don't know. _I_ don't pay attention."

Remus smiled. Sirius could always make him smile. "So you don't believe in all of Merlin's paganism, then?"

"Oh, yeah we do. Well, I dunno about _me_ personally. I believe in my wand. I believe in you." He started dripping warm nibbling kisses along the back of Remus' neck. Remus reached out and plucked up a dancing witch.

"Oi, put me down!" She screeched. Sirius laughed, while Remus obliged her.

"I'm not sure I get all this religious... nonsense. My mother's Catholic. I mean, Roman Catholic, not Wizarding Catholic. But I wasn't ever allowed to be. I thought it was alright because wizards didn't need that bunk."

"And we don't," Sirius answered with finality. "Look at the Potters. They don't drive themselves mad by drinking blood and eating someone's-- you don't want that, Remus. I know you don't, and your parents were right to keep you away from it."

"Drinking... blood? The transubstantiation, Sirius? You've had your first communion?"

"If you're angling to get me in a white dress--"

"Do Wizarding parishes use _blood_?" Remus heard the alarm in his voice.

"What... what do muggle parishes use?" Sirius' voice was tentative and stiff.

"You've _drank blood_. This is what you're telling me?"

"I'm telling you," Sirius answered with audible impatience, "that you ought to stay away from that crap. I ought to, also. Every-bloody-one ought to keep away from blood magic, in my own personal opinion."

"It is! Wizarding Eucharist _transfigures_ the wine!"

"Maybe they used to," Sirius answered flatly, "but that was before they realized how much less a waste it would be to just kill a muggle and drink theirs instead. Wizards _like_ wine."

Remus disentangled himself from Sirius and rose to his feet rather abruptly. He couldn't say what he found so disturbing about all of this exactly-- or rather, he didn't know what was _most_ disturbing, or why he would try to take it out on Sirius, but Remus simply felt as if he needed some sort of motion. He stalked to the kitchen and put several biscuits on a plate for himself. Sirius followed. Remus took the plate and went to sit on the couch, staring at the flickering blue lights of the tree. Sirius followed him there as well, sitting next to Remus, but not close, not touching. Sirius was juggling one orange, something he'd presumably brought back from the kitchen himself when Remus had gone for the biscuits. They sat in tense silence, and Remus knew Sirius was waiting for him to talk. Remus also knew when Sirius gave up by the fact that Sirius stopped tossing the orange and deigned to peeling it instead, popping aromatic segments into his mouth sloppily so that the juice ran down his chin and wrists. Remus couldn't even express how calming the homey smell was. He suspected Sirius-- smell-oriented Padfoot-- had thought so as well when he'd picked out the fruit.

"I feel left out, everyone else believing in religion." Remus tried to put a smile into his words, maybe even a laugh, as if it were a joke. "Who knows, maybe werewolves have a religion as well." Sirius' eyes rolled, and Remus felt a jolt of anger.

"This is all about feeling sorry for yourself, then?" Sirius popped another segment into his mouth with a slurping noise.

"I don't know what you mean about--"

"Not being the same as everyone else makes you feel so bloody different, that it?"

"That _is_ the definition of different, you might take care to notice."

"We're _all_ different, Remus. I'm different to my family because I don't like to make a snack out of some poor bloke's blood on Sunday mornings. You're different to me because you get ill once a month, and it frustrates the hell out of me that the entire world has to grind to a halt for one night--"

"Well, excuse me--"

"You're different to Fenrir's werewolves because you aren't one of them, even if you have got the same illness."

Remus sighed and, coming to terms with the fact that he wouldn't be getting a word in edgewise, jammed a biscuit in his mouth.

"Or maybe now you're brooding 'cause you've got to sit around and decide what you want to believe?"

"Shove off, Sirius," Remus mumbled with a full mouth.

Sirius slid closer and dropped his head onto Remus' shoulder. "Sorry. Didn't mean to fight or anything."

"'S fine. You're right, I'm caring about this too much."

"Yeah, you are. Happy Christmas, then."

Remus smiled and shoved a bit of biscuit into Sirius' mouth. "Happy Christmas."

*****

Bess Potter strode into her living room on Christmas morning, only to interrupt two boys curled together on the couch whispering and laughing. She didn't back away.

"Merry Christmas, then, both of you. How long have you been up?"

Sirius pulled a bit of Remus' arm off his head to peer up at her. "Maybe an hour." Remus blushed furiously and tried to untangle himself, but Sirius was having none of it, and Bess had to admit she was proud of Sirius for that.

"No, don't trouble yourselves," she spoke specifically to Remus. "Nothing to do now but wait for the lazy-heads."

"Who are you calling lazy?" Lionel's baritone boomed through the house as he came up behind Bess to hug her. "Happy Christmas, everyone," he smiled at the boys. Sirius answered immediately, but Remus had to clear his throat first.

"I'm going to put on coffee, do I have any takers?" Lionel asked everyone present, all of whom said yes, even as a cracking voice called from upstairs, "I'll have some, Dad."

"Right then, five cups at least. We're going to have to get a bigger coffee pot! Every time I turn around our family gets bigger," he grumbled good-naturedly.

"Better not be getting any larger," Remus gave Sirius a meaningful look.

Sirius barked out a rough, joyful laugh. "Don't worry, Evans taught me a good contraceptive potion."

Bess giggled and went to help Lionel in the kitchen.

*****

"So, you're a werewolf hunter, Moony tells me."

As things go, Remus Lupin figured there were better ways to start Christmas dinner conversations with his parents than accusing his dad of hunting him, and using the nickname that his parents felt was degrading. Everyone stopped eating for a second to stare at Sirius. Sirius wasn't flustered. In fact, Remus could easily guess that it was just the reaction he'd been going for. This was so like Pads. He never seemed to like it when people tiptoed around Remus' lycanthropy. He certainly didn't tiptoe himself, and neither would he let Remus use euphemisms. Sirius was the world's greatest hater of all euphemisms. Sirius like to be fucked by a boy who was a werewolf, and to Sirius the world was just that simple, nothing to hide.

"Um," Mr. Lupin swallowed his mouthful heavily, "you understand I don't... I mean, I wouldn't..."

"Dad, he's just being a pain in the neck, he's not accusing you of anything," Remus muttered to his plate of chicken.

"Oh. Uh. Yeah, well, the Lupins, you see--"

"Oh, I understand," Sirius grinned. "I come from a long long of werewolf hunters myself. And vampire hunters. And giant hunters, goblin hunters. In fact-- they were also muggle hunters and muggle-born hunters, and also liked to kill blood traitors like the Potters here, so I reckon your folks and mine'd get along splendidly." Sirius nodded and crammed a pile of greens into his mouth. Around it, he continued. "Idn't amazing how much ignorance there is in the world. Eh?" When Mr. Lupin simply gaped at Sirius' greens-filled smile, Sirius kicked Remus. "Eh, Moony?"

Remus, despite his absolute horror over the situation, laughed. "You're ridiculous. You're scaring my parents. And _eating_ like a _dog_."

Sirius tilted his head to the side and smiled at Remus, winking.

"Oh _get a room_," James groaned.

"Oh nice," Sirius rolled his eyes at James, "now I need a room to _wink_, James?"

"It wasn't the winking and you know it. You were doing that thing."

"What thing?" Sirius sounded affronted.

"That 'everyone look at me I'm Sirius Black and I'm in love with Remus Lupin' thing, and it drives me bonkers 'cause we all already _know_ Sirius. What do you want, applause?"

The corner of Sirius' mouth shot up. "Pie, Prongs. I want pie. Mum made pecan. Though I wouldn't say no to applause."

James, despite himself, laughed and shook his head.

"I do have pecan, as well as raspberry, and cranberry scones," Mrs. Potter broke in. "Do you bake, Martha?" she asked Remus' mum. Remus felt a flush of gratefulness at this redirection of the conversation. His parents were still rather dubious about Padfoot, and Sirius really ought trouble himself to be somewhat less of an ass around them, for once.

But, alas, Remus knew there was little Sirius Black troubled himself to do, not even for the love of Remus Lupin. Most especially since he already had that.


	12. How Strange, The Form of Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In school, the Remus and Sirius perform a complicated spell to marry their thoughts in a subtle but intricate union. Fluffy beginning, epic-length, angsty ending. It sticks somewhat close to canon throughout.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
**Current location:** |  [St. Paul, MN](http://maps.google.com/maps?q=St.+Paul,+MN)  
---|---  
**Current mood:** |   
jubilant  
**Current music:** |   
[The Moldy Peaches](http://www.last.fm/music/The+Moldy+Peaches) \- [Anyone Else But You](http://www.last.fm/music/The+Moldy+Peaches/_/Anyone+Else+But+You) | Powered by [Last.fm](http://www.last.fm/)  
  
**Entry tags:** |   
[!fandom: harry potter](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/%21fandom:+harry+potter), [chaptered: how strange](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/chaptered:+how+strange), [character: james potter](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/character:+james+potter), [character: lily evans](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/character:+lily+evans), [character: remus lupin](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/character:+remus+lupin), [character: sirius black](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/character:+sirius+black), [characters: mwpp](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/characters:+mwpp), [length: 2000+ words](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/length:+2000%2B+words), [pairing: lily/james](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/pairing:+lily/james), [pairing: remus/sirius](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/pairing:+remus/sirius)  
  
  
_**How Strange, The Form of Fear: Chapter 11 [Harry Potter]**_  
**Fandom:** Harry Potter  
**Title: **How Strange, The Form of Fear  
**Chapter:** 11: In His High Seat I've Built Myself a Throne  
**Summary: **In school, the Remus and Sirius perform a complicated spell to marry their thoughts in a subtle but intricate union. Fluffy beginning, epic-length, angsty ending. It sticks somewhat close to canon throughout.  
**This Chapter:** The Ministry and Indian food.  
**Characters/Pairings: **Remus/Sirius, eventual James/Lily  
**Rating/Warnings: **NC-17.  
**AN:** Unbeta'd.  
**Word Count:** 2084

Chapter 11: In His High Seat I've Built Myself a Throne

The Ministry was closed on Boxing Day, which was just as well; a thick wet snow was falling in the West Country, and Sirius, James, and Remus spent a good part of the day sledging with some of the muggles in Godric's Hollow. One girl, called Sarah, flirted quite openly with Remus, but not in that obnoxious way that some girls had. She asked him questions about things he liked, he asked her questions about things she liked, and they sledged together. The attention was all rather nice even if he knew it couldn't lead anywhere. Remus was largely surprised that Sirius let him do it without exploding into a fit of jealousy. But then, Sirius was distracted with his own plots and plans, as he and James kept trying to surreptitiously charm their sledge to be the fastest and several times managed to make it do rather uncanny things such as going uphill instead of down. Remus guessed Sirius would have been pretty excited about this accidental outcome if Sirius wasn't losing money to a muggle boy on the outcomes of sledge races in which Sirius' sledge decided to go backwards up the hill. Remus wondered if Sirius was flirting also, in his own way, and decided that he _did_ mind.

Remus declared that he was tired and they all went home for mulled butterbeers. If Remus walked a bit too close to Sirius on their way back to the Potters' than a platonic friend ought to, no one said anything about it.

*****

The following day, Remus found himself faced with a very tough decision indeed. As a rule, he'd always preferred not to visit the Ministry. It wasn't that he was afraid, precisely. He just felt watched. From the moment he put his name in at the security check to the moment he left, the Ministry was doubtless aware that there was a werewolf within their sanctum. He had not the slightest doubt that he _was_ being watched. He usually tried to figure out how, curious about the charms being used on him, but also quite worried that if he tried to ferret out the secret too ardently they would decide he was a spy and kick him back into the street on his arse. Or worse.

What's more, he'd never gone without his parents before.

So, when Sirius suggested that Remus stay back, Remus was sorely tempted. He also recognized the temptation for what it was: cowardice. That made his decision for him. "No, I'll come," he brushed off Sirius' concerned look, cursing not for the first time that Remus couldn't hide his fears from Sirius. A man should always have the right to hide his fears.

"You su--"

"Yes! I'm sure. It'll be a blast to see the looks on the registrars' faces, and the Potters _were_ talking about stopping for Indian."

"Good," Mr. Potter said, nodding. "We spoke to your parents at Christmas, and they think you and Sirius should have your bonding officially registered also."

"We... what?"

"You know, get a certificate of marriage," Mr. Potter clarified his meaning.

James whistled.

"It's not illegal?" Sirius looked as shocked as Remus, frozen in place as he asked the question.

"It _is_ illegal to issue a permit to marry a, um, homosexual pair. It's illegal to perform a marriage on someone without a permit. It is _not_ illegal to perform a marriage on _oneself_ without a permit. I suspect it's a... Well, most likely it's a loop-hole. It's all in the wording, see, which says you need a permit to marry two _others_, but there's precedent as well. An odd one, but not without relevance. I already put a call in to the Minister's office with the 'hypothetical' case, you see, and he seems to have heard something about it. Seeing as how it's not a matter of whether or not the Mnistry allows it to happen, but rather, whether or not the Ministry has a record of something that has already happened, Minister Crouch gave me his personal assurances that the paperwork would be hurried through with a minimum of both hassle and publicity. They'll put them into your confidential files. They want to discourage other people from doing this sort of thing in the future, you know, and having a legal precedent on file would not help them."

"Confidential files," Sirius asks. "We haven't got confidential files."

"I have," Remus answers gravely.

"And you," Mr. Potter jabbed a finger in Sirius' direction, "_will_ have. Come on then. Time's a wasting, lads. Bess is going to meet us for that Indian, how does that sound Remus?"

"Uh..."

"Good, good."

*****

In fact, the registrars' faces were nearly worth the trip. Remus and Sirius registered their marriage first, at one office. The woman behind the counter, a young brunette with a kind face, smiled and tried to act unsurprised. She might have even succeeded until a large, tawny owl brought her a file that had been spelled shut and marked with "Confidential" in bold red ink across the front. She opened it, dropped the the file, and stared blankly up at the two young men before her.

"Uh," Mr. Potter leaned forward, "is that all, then?"

"A-- all? I, um, what?" Her voice grew in pitch until the last word came out as a squeak. Sirius leaned heavily onto the counter and flashed his best smile.

"Maybe you've forgotten what you were doing. I'm Sirius Black, perhaps you've heard of me? And this is my soul-mate, Remus Lupin. You were registering our bondage."

James made a snorting noise in his nose as Sirius said "bondage."

"But he's a-- You're a--"

"Yeah," Sirius interrupted, "He's a handsome bloke, but he's taken, and we've got another appointment."

"Please do get on with it," Mr. Potter added. "And, in case you are wondering, you will be getting a binding confidentiality order from the Minister's office."

The girl nodded blankly. Mr. Potter nodded back and shepherded the boys away.

"I sort of wish we could have _obliviated_ her," Remus whispered to Sirius. Sirius turned to see red marks on the sides of Remus' neck: a sure sign that Remus was embarrassed.

"I thought about hexing her," Sirius answered with a smirk.

"I don't doubt you did."

The old cleric that did their animagus papers did not, of course, have to look in Remus' file for any reason. He also seemed strangely uninterested. He watched without a glimmer of excitement in his eyes as Sirius transformed and bounded up to him. He only lifted his quill and began to describe Padfoot's "distinguishing markings", which, on the whole, were not very distinguishing. The one trait of his own self that he seemed to retain as a dog was the texture and color of his hair, but that hardly made him stand out from all other examples of the species. His eyes, too, were inordinately grey, light for a dog of that coloring. Still, plenty of northern breeds were prone to blue eyes, so this, too, seemed unremarkable. These vexed the old cleric, who seemed determined that Sirius would one day commit a heinous crime and must be distinguishable from all the other dogs in Europe. Nevertheless, no amount of determination yielded any secret trove of hidden features, nor a tattoo mysteriously marked "Sirius Black," though from the look in the old cleric's eye he should have very much liked to make sure of the latter hiself.

Then James stepped forward. He watched his dad for a moment, one pair of deep brown eyes meeting another, before he blurred and changed. Where he'd been there was now a tall, spindly, still-young stag. Padfoot bounded forward with a yelp and James scrambled backwards: an awkward movement in the cramped underground Ministry office with its smooth tile floor. Nevertheless, the dog and the stag were used to playing together, and just as Prongs slid on the tile, Padfoot scrambled to grasp it with his claws. He, too, went splaying, whimpering, legs shaking. Prongs recovered first and danced a bit to mock Padfoot. Remus laughed. Then it was Sirius lying on the floor, legs hoisted in the air, chuckling.

It was plain to see that Mr. Potter was feeling emotional at seeing that his as a strong and proud young stag. He tried to contain his emotion as the cleric looked James over with slightly less determination: for James, after all, did have soft spectacle marks around his eyes as a stag. Remus wondered if the spectacle bit was common, remembering that it was also a distinguishing factor in Professor McGonagall's animagus form. Likely so.

When they were done in that office, Remus breathed a small sigh of relief, for which Sirius pinched him on the buttocks. But not until they were completely out of the ministry did Remus breath truly easy.

"Wasn't so bad," Sirius smiled.

Remus wished he could agree and wondered if Sirius remembered any of the first witch cleric at all, but decided to drop it, as he was conveniently becoming distracted by the smells of Indian food drifting towards them down the street.

"Ah, here we are," Lionel announced, ushering them into a alley with absolutely no markings.

"Where are we--" Remus started.

"Third rubbish bin down," Lionel muttered to himself. "Ah, yes. Alright. Then tap the lid-- I've got reservations, so this had better work--"

The rubbish bin in question transformed immediately into a glass doorway with the name "Raji's" painted across it. They went inside.

"Is this a _wizarding_ Indian restaurant, then?" Remus asked in awe.

"Well, it's an Indian restaurant and it's owned by a wizard, yes. They take galleons, if that's what you mean. The food is the same as muggle Indian-- Wotcher Bess! Look kids, Bess is sitting right over there. Go on now, I'm going to wash up."

*****

The Christmas holiday had been beautiful, other than James' sulky mood and the witch at the Ministry. Still, Sirius and chocolate nog and Indian food in London... Remus was sad to pack up again, even if he knew he was taking Sirius back with him to Hogwarts. Still, he had a strange sensation, almost like fear. He felt as if the general chaos of the hamlet of Godric's Hallow had somehow sheltered himself and Sirius, kept anyone from seeing them too closely or too well. After this, they'd be returning to hallways crowded with eyes: eyes of students, of professors, of paintings and ghosts. They'd be back to schedules, so that a break in a schedule would be noticed. They'd be back to formalities. Schedules and formalities were once Remus' crutch. They had helped him fight the Full Moon by giving him a power over the other days. Now, though... The Moon was on a schedule, too. Why hadn't Remus seen that? Perhaps it was chaos itself that Remus needed more of.

He stared at his half-filled trunk and saw a bit of parchment coming unrolled. Leaning down, he picked up the parchment and also a quill and ink, and sat at Sirius' desk here in the Potters' house. Remus never much fancied himself a poet, but just now he had the strange sensation of emotions and images coming to him too quickly to process, so he let his brain dump them straight into his quill:

_How strange, the form of fear:  
Long have I feared intemperance:  
The Moon, inconstancy, the naked life  
But bareness bred a strange sincerity.  
Without these secrets, am I without a fear?  
My old ones shared are halved and less besides.  
The Moon's slow rhythms start to make a  
Measure of dark sense, with love's eclipsing  
Monthly the terror of the slide. His voice is  
By my side; in lonely hours choruses mine own.  
In his high seat I've built myself a throne._

_How strange, the form of fear:  
The massive and unruly cannot part him from my side  
Where temperance, reason, fortitude do chide._

Remus chewed the end of his quill and rolled the parchment hastily and tightly. It wouldn't do for Sirius to find him writing love poetry, even if it wasn't all that poncy, really. Weren't most love poets men? And it _was_ just almost a sonnet, like Shakespeare's. Yeah, but Shakespeare didn't write about other blokes, did he? Remus shook his head to wipe clean that odd slate on which he cared about what the world thought, and turned his attention instead back to packing for their imminent return to Hogwarts for the spring of their fifth year. Remus ought to have been happy. Spring, Sirius-- these things clearly should have brought about a renewed fervor in him.

He therefore could not explain the strange foreboding that the coming term brought to him. Something bad was going to happen, and he didn't know how to be ready for it when it came.


	13. How Strange, The Form of Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In school, the Remus and Sirius perform a complicated spell to marry their thoughts in a subtle but intricate union. Fluffy beginning, epic-length, angsty ending. It sticks somewhat close to canon throughout.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
**Current location:** |  [St. Paul, MN](http://maps.google.com/maps?q=St.+Paul,+MN)  
---|---  
**Current mood:** |   
drained  
**Current music:** | Robert Francis - One By One  
**Entry tags:** |   
[!fandom: harry potter](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/%21fandom:+harry+potter), [chaptered: how strange](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/chaptered:+how+strange), [character: james potter](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/character:+james+potter), [character: remus lupin](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/character:+remus+lupin), [character: sirius black](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/character:+sirius+black), [characters: mwpp](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/characters:+mwpp), [length: 2000+ words](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/length:+2000%2B+words), [pairing: lily/james](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/pairing:+lily/james), [pairing: remus/sirius](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/pairing:+remus/sirius)  
  
  
_**How Strange, The Form of Fear: Chapter 12 [Harry Potter]**_  
**Fandom:** Harry Potter  
**Title: **How Strange, The Form of Fear  
**Chapter:** 12: Worry Over Consequences  
**Summary: **In school, the Remus and Sirius perform a complicated spell to marry their thoughts in a subtle but intricate union. Fluffy beginning, epic-length, angsty ending. It sticks somewhat close to canon throughout.  
**This Chapter:** A flashback to the beginning of Remus and Sirius' relationship, and the morning after the prank.  
**Characters/Pairings: **Remus/Sirius, eventual James/Lily  
**Rating/Warnings: **NC-17.  
**AN:** Unbeta'd.  
**Word Count:** 2230

Chapter 12: Worry Over Consequences

_Years earlier:_

He doesn't care, he said. He's said that a lot, since hols. Too much. He's said it into his breakfast, lunch, and now dinner. Roast beef dribbled down his chin and he waved his fork as he snapped at the tenth person to ask today, "I don't care! And good riddance."

Has no one else has read _Hamlet_? Sirius is no lady, but he's made an art out of protestations.

The second day back from hols, the second day of this onslaught of questions from fellow students, Sirius finally broke. He _stood up_ from the Gryffindor table in the middle of dinner. His hair was wild and his eyes were wilder. He very pointedly did _not_ look in the direction of the Slytherin table as he delivered his monologue:

"I can't be bothered all day by the lot of you thinking I owe you some kind of story. There isn't one, right? I hate those--" Remus could sense him editing his language, as Dumbledore was listening, not to mention McGonagall and a half-dozen other professors-- "those pit vipers that raised me and their silly anti-Muggle, anti-everything ideas. So I walked. If you need to owl me, ladies," Sirius, at this point, rested an elbow on James' head, which earned him an awkward glare up over glasses frames, "that'd be care of the Potters. Upstanding citizens, Potters. And try the treacle pudding, it's delicious. Up Muggle-borns and all that!"

And because he was Sirius bleeding _Black_ and ended his speech with a bloody half-hearted "Up Muggle-borns", damned if half the Great Hall didn't erupt into applause. Both Dumbledore and McGonagall were among those praising Sirius' words. Maybe the intent behind those words didn't matter as much as the fact that _he_ had said them. There were uncommon tensions within both the Ministry and Hogwarts, though no one was quite sure why, and Sirius may have just-- inadvertently perhaps-- won over a few future Aurors or Unspeakables with his little show.

Sirius was, of course, one hundred percent sincere in his feelings on equality for Muggle-borns. He was also ninety percent sincere in his apathy about anything even slightly political.

Despite all his insistence that he was happy over the split with his family, Sirius nevertheless looked quite upset when he grabbed his bag and stormed out of the Great Hall. He very pointedly did not, Remus noticed, glance at the Slytherin table. Remus did, and saw Regulus stagger to his feet, his expression furious.

Remus didn't think before snatching his own books and following his best friend from the Hall. He caught Sirius halfway up the stairs. "You should talk to Regulus."

"Why would I talk to that arse?" Sirius didn't even slow his procession towards the dormitory.

"Because he's your brother?"

"He's less my brother than you are, Moony."

"That's touching, Sirius, it really is, but... Really, what part did he play in all of this, that you'd subject him to that kind of _public humiliation_?"

That got Sirius' attention. He stopped and spun around. "I've humiliated him already by being such a bloody Gryffindor failure, haven't I? He already goes on about what an embarrassment I am with all his-- little-- Slytherin--" Sirius was having trouble getting words out now through his increasingly furious expression-- "_friends_," he spat. "Maybe they'll like him better now they see he was telling the truth." Sirius spun on a heel and kept walking.

Remus followed, thinking the outburst was momentarily over. Sirius stopped again, so abruptly that Remus slammed right into him and they both went sliding into a suit of armor. Sirius, however, could not be derailed from his thoughts.

"He didn't think I was such a bloody embarrassment when he used to _wet his bed_ and come get _me_ in the middle of the night because the elves would tell mother and father. You know what they'd do if they found out, Moony? Lock him in his room without food for a day. Not that it ever _happened_ to him, because I never let it. But it happened to _me_, didn't it? He wasn't too proud then to let me sneak him out of his room, was he? Fucking hell, no! But he sees the possibility of a little _gold_, and all of a sudden-- You know what, he can fuck off. He can fuck right off and die just like the old crone and crazy bat what raised me." Sirius spun again, and this time he didn't speak all the way back to Gryffindor Tower, and to their room. He was silent still as he sat on his bed and spread his homework across the pillow.

Remus sat on his own bed, not even able to come up with a thing to say. What Sirius had said-- he'd never heard those stories before. He'd heard stories about Sirius' parents, sure, about their crazy ideas, and the four of them had laughed over the downright cruel and abusive things the Blacks had said to Sirius. Not because Sirius wasn't hurt by the words, but because laughing was really the only reaction that made sense to four teenage boys. But Remus had never... never known that they'd _done_ abusive things.

"Sirius," his voice caught in his throat, "your parents really did that? Locked you in your room?"

"So?" Sirius barked defensively from within the dragon book he'd taken out of the library for his Care of Magical Creatures report.

"You know that's... illegal, right?"

Sirius laughed, and the sound was hollow. Remus felt a stab of pain so tangible it stole his breath momentarily. He knew what must be... what must be _behind_ the laugh. He heard the urgency in his own voice when he answered, "Sirius, what did... they didn't do anything else, did they? What... I mean, other illegal--"

"They're Death Eaters, Moony. Drop it."

"I _know_ they're Death Eaters, but I'm not asking about what they did in service to the Dark Lord, or, or--"

"Nothing." Sirius' voice was flat.

"They wouldn't use--"

"Drop it!" Sirius snapped, his head coming up and his eyes catching Remus'. After a heartbeat, Sirius added, "Sorry, Moony, but they're dangerous people. You can't be digging into these things."

Remus wanted to say something, something about them being such dangerous people that perhaps Sirius needed protection, more protection than a couple underage wizards with large egos could prove. Perhaps they were not taking the entire situation as seriously as it deserved, but he held his tongue. He knew his statements would be far from appreciated. When Sirius felt he had something under control, any intimation that perhaps he didn't was taken by Sirius as a threat to his very value as a human being. Instead, Remus stood and walked across the small room to Sirius' bed, where he shoved a text out of the way to sit.

It seemed so natural, then, to pull Sirius into a one-armed hug. Sirius, always so strong and guarded, came more than willingly, leaning his face into Remus' shoulder. Remus almost didn't believe it when he heard the quiet sobbing. He stroked Sirius' hair gently, and found without realizing it that he was speaking slowly to his friend:

"Just leave them. Forget them," Remus was whispering. "They're arses." He knew his words would do little to comfort Sirius, but they gave Remus some ease.

"She burned me off the tree," Sirius spoke, trying to make his voice seem even. He backed away from Remus' shoulder, pushing Remus away as well. Remus let Sirius reapply that machismo that Remus-- all Sirius' closest friends, really-- knew was a mask the gentle and sensitive boy hid well behind.

Remus almost told Sirius he didn't want to be on that tree anyway, but he held his tongue at the last moment. Logically, no, Sirius likely did _not_ want to be a member of his family, but logic and matters of the heart were different issues, and Sirius would only feel a berk when he was called out for being hurt about being expelled from a family of Death Eaters. Without realizing he had done it, Remus had pulled Sirius close against himself once again, Sirius' side pressed against his chest. Remus then pretended not to hear as Sirius' slow and steady tears began anew.

It was a good while later that Sirius finally fell completely silent. He tried once again to pull away, but this time Remus held him tight, stroked his hair, kissed his ear, and whispered, "We'll make you a new family, Pads. My family tree is mostly a family stick, but I can put your name on it. I'll never burn it off. I promise." He felt Sirius inhale a massive breath, and he repeated, "I promise."

He hadn't seen it coming, hadn't expected it at all: Sirius turned then and captured Remus' mouth in a kiss. It was tender and fearful; Remus swore he could hear Sirius' heart hammering in time with his own, and they both shook against each other.

"Sorry," Sirius whispered, backing away, lowering his gaze like a guilty dog.

Remus seized Sirius' chin in two hands and laid another kiss on Sirius' lips, this time feeling Sirius' tongue slip past his own lips. The kiss broke with their laughter, and Remus thought that Sirius smiling was a pleasant surprise after all of this doom and gloom. He had done that. He had made Sirius laugh like that.

"Sorry," Sirius said again, but this time there was a glint of mischief in his eyes, and Remus took his cue and once again captured Sirius, kissed him, broke away to sounds of laughter. He met Sirius' eyes and was diving in for a fourth when the door banged open and Remus, flustered, skittered to his own bed.

He had expected that would be the end of it. Sirius would sober up from his brush with melancholy, and Remus would realize that actions have got consequences, and everything would return to exactly as it had been.

Maybe Remus had forgotten that Sirius never sobered up; the boy acted drunk on life. Normally it was a source of some vexation, but when, the next morning at breakfast, Sirius held and played with his hand through the meal, right on the table where anyone could see, Remus thought he knew the feeling. He never meant to worry over consequences again.

*****

_Present Day:_

Remus knew knew as soon as he awoke that something was different this morning, something was wrong. His mind immediately raced through all the worst possibilities of the previous night's full moon. Whatever had happened, it _must_ have been bad: Sirius, very unusually, wasn't with him when he woke.

Remus, troubled enough to feel the urge to physically survey the Hospital Wing, was careful not to move too much regardless. Any movements would cause raw pain in those muscles most stressed by the transformation. His neck and back were already adding their chorus of agony to the emotional pain of not knowing what was wrong. This was one of the worst parts: feeling helpless and paralyzed, wanting news and comfort. This was why he needed Sirius. Sirius kept him from feeling helpless. Sirius was his hands and feet, his happiness when he didn't have energy to spare for it. Where in Merlin's mouldy beard was Sirius Black?

Remus gathered breath and courage. It would hurt, but not knowing Sirius' whereabouts was more painful, just now.

His voice cracked as he called out, "Madam Pomfrey?"

*****

"There you are," James sighed, yoinking the cigarette right out of Sirius' lips to help himself to a drag. "Took the map so we couldn't find you, eh?"

Sirius did not answer.

"Pads, come on. All's well that ends well, and all of that. Moony's asking for you. Practically begging. Sentimental sod."

Sirius shook his head. "Why?" he hissed. "Why would he _want_ to see me?"

"I'd guess I should let him answer that."

"He shouldn't have to deal with me right now."

James' back straightened. He extinguished Sirius' cig on the ground. "No, Pads. He shouldn't. So do what the bloke asks for once in your life, yeah?"

Sirius nodded without emotion, though James saw some dark shadow of anger pass across those familiar grey eyes. Nevertheless, Sirius followed James down from the Astronomy Tower without argument. Felina giggled at them as they passed her corner, but Sirius didn't even seem to notice.

"Look," James said, breaking the tense silence as they walked towards the Hospital Wing. "Between you and me, we're ok, right? I just want to forget about it, personally. I know you'd never do it on purpose. Snivellus is a git and his big nose can't stay in his own business." James stopped walking, but Sirius kept on down the hallway, still looking down, his demeanor betraying no emotion.

"Pads," James called.

Sirius stopped and turned his expectantly towards James.

"Sirius. Please. Say we're good?"

"You..." Sirius inhaled long and hard and James could imagine Sirius wishing for another cigarette. "You could have died. Remus could have died. What kind of friend... what kind of boyfriend, _what kind of person_, am I exactly?" The combination of sincerity and deadness in Sirius' eyes made James' heart pound in pain-- pain and fear.

"The human kind," James whispered. "The best kind."

Sirius dropped his head, ever the inferior canine, and James dragged him with a gentle "come on" the rest of the way to the Hospital Wing, silently praying to all the gods above that Remus wasn't about to tear Sirius down. If Pads were ground to powder it'd be James' job to put him back together again, and it would not be easy.


	14. How Strange, The Form of Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In school, the Remus and Sirius perform a complicated spell to marry their thoughts in a subtle but intricate union. Fluffy beginning, epic-length, angsty ending. It sticks somewhat close to canon throughout.

  
  
  
**Entry tags:** |   
[!fandom: harry potter](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/%21fandom:+harry+potter), [chaptered: how strange](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/chaptered:+how+strange), [character: james potter](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/character:+james+potter), [character: remus lupin](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/character:+remus+lupin), [character: sirius black](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/character:+sirius+black), [characters: mwpp](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/characters:+mwpp), [length: 2000+ words](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/length:+2000%2B+words), [pairing: lily/james](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/pairing:+lily/james), [pairing: remus/sirius](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/pairing:+remus/sirius)  
  
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_**How Strange, The Form of Fear: Chapter 13 [Harry Potter]**_  
**Fandom:** Harry Potter  
**Title: **How Strange, The Form of Fear  
**Chapter:** 13: The Gospel According to James  
**Summary: **In school, the Remus and Sirius perform a complicated spell to marry their thoughts in a subtle but intricate union. Fluffy beginning, epic-length, angsty ending. It sticks somewhat close to canon throughout.  
**This Chapter:** The morning after the prank, and what the Marauders tell Lily about it all.  
**Characters/Pairings: **Remus/Sirius, eventual James/Lily  
**Rating/Warnings: **NC-17.  
**AN:** Unbeta'd.  
**Word Count:** 3621

Chapter 13: The Gospel According to James

"'M sorry, he's got the you-know-what, and I couldn't find him anywhere. I guess James is still looking. If he wanted to disappear, though..." Peter tapped a fingernail in a persistent rhythm on the metal frame of Remus' bed until Remus' entire concentration was spent on trying not to hear the metallic clanging that rang through his skull. Finally fed up, he gave in and did the last thing he wanted to do, reaching out to snatch Peter's hand away from the bed frame. A pain shot through his shoulder at the motion.

"Stop it," Remus whispered, trying not to exert his diaphragm even if he had to move his arm and lips.

This was another reason he needed Sirius. Sirius would have stopped Peter with a glance, knowing noise hurt Remus' ears. Sirius would never have let Peter start that infernal banging in the first place. Remus would never have had to ask Pete to stop, not even have had to ask Sirius to ask Pete to stop. Maybe it was the connection they shared, but Sirius simply knew what bothered Remus, and kept it all away from him during the day after the full moon. It made the difference between several days' recovery and several hours'. That wasn't all due to Sirius' _care_ alone, though, even Remus had to admit. Sirius' emotions were as helpful as anything. Having that sensation, that-- _admiration_\-- encircling him gave Remus strength. He hadn't known that their bonding would work like that, giving and taking strength from each other. It was like Remus could borrow some of Sirius' vitality for one day, and Sirius simply let him.

Wherever Sirius was right now, he was very, very closed off and exceedingly difficult to pinpoint, else Remus might have tried to steal some vitality regardless. As it was, Remus couldn't even say where the boy was. Instead, he let himself relax back against the mattress and breath deeply.

Remus' quiet moment of relaxation was broken when he heard footsteps, and then James speaking to Peter. His eyes flew open and he could see for himself that James had returned victorious: he towed a despondent Sirius in his wake.

*****  
Sirius kept to the back of the room. He didn't want to be here, and didn't know why Remus wanted him. In some small unconscious corner of his mind, he feared retribution, punishment, estrangement, any number of painful things, and so he kept away from the one who could deal him that pain. He had difficulty looking at Remus, and not because Remus looked like hell (which he did), but because Remus could cast rejection at Sirius with just a glance. As long as they did not interact, nothing between them could change.

"Sirius," Remus said. Dammit, so much for not interacting.

Sirius ignored Remus, holding out hope, staying behind James, who might at least offer some limited protection.

"Sirius," Remus was more insistent this time, and Sirius made a hesitant glance up at the prone-- sick-- twisted-- pained form of Remus. He could feel all of these things, along with self-revulsion, fear, anger, and more radiating from Remus, but perhaps the overall icing that covered them was shame.

"Sirius, please."

James shoved Sirius forward, and Sirius, tucking in his lips, told himself he had no right to be in pain. Not in front of Remus, not now. Remus held out a hand and Sirius clutched it mindlessly. Sirius began to speak, the words making no sense. They were sounds, apologies, mumbled pleas, but Remus wrapped their hands together tightly and smiled. Remus' thumb moved lazily over the veins on the back of Sirius' hand.

Sirius froze. This was the last reception he'd expected.

"Sirius," Remus was whispering, and Sirius guessed his throat was sore. Without pausing to think, Sirius removed his hand to pour Remus a mug of water from the carafe on the bedside table. Remus watched him with a peculiar smile twitching at the corners of his mouth. "Sirius," he continued again once he had had a sip of water, his voice sounding stronger, "please don't ever not be here when I wake up."

Sirius, though, frowned at Remus smile; he could feel the emotion underneath it, and it was not a smile of happiness, but of embarrassment. He turned to James and Pete and tried to give James a meaningful glance. James must have got it, because he was soon dragging Pete towards the door, promising that they'd return in a bit with some food-- solid food, the likes of which Madam Pomfrey was never too keen on giving Remus, even when he insisted his stomach could handle it.

*****

Sirius wasted no time in _accio_-ing a chair. He sat in it with an "oomf" and rested his chin on his hands at the edge of Remus's bed. He tilted his head to the side. His skin looked dark against the white sheets. His hair was a mess and tucked behind his ears, wavy bits sticking up and bits of fringe hanging into his eyes. When his gaze flickered up at Remus, his eyes were baleful and needy. Sirius didn't even need to transform to be so clearly Padfoot. Remus reached down and threaded his fingers though Sirius' hair, scratching and petting. The familiar roles of boy-and-dog were comforting just now when there was so much tension circling them. Sirius' nauseating guilt, which Remus could feel like a strange motion-sickness added to his own illness, seemed to ease slowly, steadily. Remus stroked, calming the dog pretending to be a boy.

"Padfoot," Remus spoke softly, just as if he were speaking to a frightened animal, "I'm sorry. I ought to be angry with you, I know. Maybe I even am," he sighed. "You know... well, you know."

Sirius sniffed and rubbed the back of one arm across his nose, but otherwise gave no response.

"Sirius, I need you here with me."

"I'm--" Sirius rubbed the back of his arm across his face briskly, groaning.

"Listen," Remus answered throatily, "I'm-- embarrassed that I need you this much--"

Sirius didn't look up. "That's why you feel--"

"Yes. But morning-after shame is something I learned to live with a long time ago."

Sirius groaned again, more painfully this time. "Love, you've got nothing to be ashamed of. It's me, I--"

"What did you just call me?"

Sirius looked up to see Remus smiling. Remus could see edginess in Sirius' eyes, but Remus' moods tended towards mercurial whenever he was sick.

"I dunno," Sirius lied. Sirius' lies always rippled through their connection. The sensation was hard to describe. Perhaps the closest Remus could have come, if asked, was that it was rather like putting on a shoe backwards: it might look fine from a distance, but from inside, it was unmistakeably ill-fitting . He could easily tell when the words and thoughts did not fit together.

"Nancy," Remus grinned.

Sirius' mouth moved as if trying to find a joke but failing. He swallowed hard and nodded, answering, "'S true, though," through a grimace

"Nit, I was poking fun because you are ridiculously adorable. Is it wrong that you just almost got me put down and I want to nail you? Even though I can't lift my left arm, let alone get anything else up and moving," Remus laughed, then groaned.

"Did I-- Did I really-- I mean, would they-- That's what they do to you, uh, then--"

"Yeah," Remus fought the urge to nod-- his neck wouldn't appreciate it-- "because I'm an animal."

"I'm the animal," Sirius dropped his head back against the sheet. "Maybe it's me they should put down."

Remus stroked his fingers through Sirius' hair for a while longer before he'd gathered up enough energy to speak with all the emotion that danced on the edge of his mind. "I've never been an animagus. I can't pretend to know what it's like. But I know you, and in some ways, you are more dog than human, Sirius." Sirius didn't stir, and Remus continued his petting. "Dogs, you know-- dear lord, don't ask me how I know this-- dogs do bite people they dislike if they've been improperly socialized. The state does often put down the dogs, in those cases. That's true in both the wizarding and muggle worlds. But you know, it's not the dog's fault. It never is, you see. The owners who didn't teach them how to be around other people reasonably-- they get away with no real penalty, and the dog pays for their mistakes with his own life. I'm not going to kill you, or even hurt you, Pads. Your family--" Remus stopped to take another few mouthfuls of water. Sirius' cheek remained flush with the sheet, and his eyes watched nothingness, as Remus petted him. "I know your family mistreated you." Sirius flinched. "It's ok," Remus whispered, "it's _me_, Sirius."

Sirius whimpered and moved closer to Remus, and Remus could not miss the start of wet trails running out of Sirius' eyes.

"You associate your family with Slytherins, and you dislike the Slytherins. You take every opportunity to bark at them. Perhaps not without reason-- there _are_ rumors of a war, and no one can deny that Snivellus is _swimming_ in Dark Arts. So," Remus sighed, "is Regulus, by the by."

Sirius sniffled loudly in response.

Remus laughed lightly. "One day, when Snivellus is fighting with this supposed 'Dark Lord' and we have to go kill him, we're going to laugh about last night. They'll call you prophetic. 'Gifted with an inner eye,' isn't that what they say in Divs?"

Sirius snorted with laughter, and the sound was music to Remus' ears.

"Please come lay with me? I'll even share my lunch with you when Pete and James get back." Remus stopped stroking Pads' hair to pull on it a little bit. Sirius blushed and tried to hide a shy smile. Most people in the castle would have been shocked to know that Sirius Black even _had_ a shy smile, but Remus got to see it often, and it was his favorite of Sirius' many smiles simply because it was neither easy nor confident. Sirius wordlessly hoisted himself onto the bed and wrapped himself ever so gingerly around Remus.

"Moony," Sirius whispered into Remus' neck, and Sirius' low timbre was soothing, so very different to Peter's higher-pitched voice. "I am so sorry I don't have words. It was a mistake, but I can't--"

"Shhhhh," Remus patted his head. "The things you can feel, I can feel you feeling. Let's _not_ go back in time, then."

"I didn't know--"

"Please, let's not talk about it?"

Sirius nodded against Remus' neck. The warmth of Sirius skin against the sore muscles there was more soothing than Remus cared to admit.

"You don't really think you're an animal, do you? I mean, what you said, what the Ministry says-- tell me you don't believe it."

Remus shook his head and found the activity less painful with giving, admiring Sirius in his bed. "I don't. I'm sure I worried about it once. Just like you worry about whether you're moral enough, I worry about whether I'm human enough."

"'Course you are."

"That's just it, Sirius. The desire to be moral _makes_ you moral, mistakes aside. And the desire to be human makes me human, disease aside."

"But what... what if..."

"What ifs don't matter. We probably ought to make that a rule between us, with last night, and, well, everything." Remus laughed. Sirius very much didn't.

Remus, now warm and comfortable and considerably more pain-free, slipped in and out of consciousness. He watched Sirius slide into sleep, rather like a dog: eyes sliding back until his lids closed, nose sniffling and mouth twitching in his sleep. When Remus finally slept a deep sleep, he dreamt not of death and nightmares and the Shack and Snape, but of rolling with a dog in green spring grass. Spring was coming, and he had every intention of enjoying it.

*****

"I can't believe you forgave him," Lily threw her nose into the air, and Remus might have thought she was pure blood from her expression. "I can't believe they didn't _expel_ him."

The story they'd decided on for Lily was, decidedly, a lie. Still, it conveyed some of the same truths, and explained Severus Snape's sudden increased antagonism towards the quartet. She was under the impression that Sirius had sent Remus out in the wood in the middle of the night on a dare, and then as a prank, sent Severus out after him. The story was known in the fifth years' dorm room as "The Gospel According to James," after a muggle religious text, since James had insisted upon having a story specifically for Lily and had made it up himself. It was growing apparent to Remus that James was using the story-- using Remus' terrifying night, Sirius' biggest regret-- for his own purposes. James featured very prominently in his own gospel, diving in at the last moment and knocking Severus away from a very dangerous spell, the name of which he refused to say to anyone, hoping that it would be taken to be _Avada Kedavra_ without his having to actually incriminate Remus with an unforgivable through a lie. Lily, for her part, didn't believe that Remus would cast such a spell. Rather, she was quick to blame Sirius. Clearly, Sirius had cast the _Avada Kedavra_ in hopes of killing his arch-enemy, and hadn't thought twice about framing Remus for such an awful deed.

Remus tried not to let on how close Lily's version came to the truth. He was, strangely, less bothered by this than by Sirius' reaction to Lily's accusations. Whenever Sirius was in the room with Lily, she couldn't keep her mouth shut. She would start whispering, or even once snipping loudly enough for the whole common room to hear that he was no better than his family and ought to have been sorted into Slytherin, and now he ought to be expelled, and that he would end up in Azkaban someday, mark her words. On and on she went, and Sirius stood there, head down, _nodding_. Strong, proud, indignant, 'how dare you accuse me of using Dark magic' Sirius Black nodded that yes, he should be in Slytherin and he should be expelled and he was no better than his family and one day he would go to Azkaban, mark Evans' words. He nodded like she was telling them that pumpkin juice was orange and the common room was cold in the winter. Knowing, feeling beyond a doubt that Sirius believed Lily's words, felt like a rip right through Remus' core. He felt like he had a gaping stomach wound, and he guessed he was only feeling on tenth of what Sirius felt when she spoke. The proof of this was in Sirius' overall health. He no longer flew Sunday pick-up quidditch practices. He ate little. He avoided all of the professors as if he _had_ killed someone. He planned no pranks. Worst of all, there was no nailing to be had for Remus unless he decided to help Hagrid build a new fence around the early lettuce. Remus did help Hagrid. He needed to blow off some steam and physical energy. But even exhausted, he was no less horny. He had been doing his homework with Lily for an hour now. Her arm lightly brushed his whenever she reached for her notes, and Remus found himself wondering whether Sirius would be up for a more open relationship and whether Remus would ever in a million years have the kind of nerve required to ask such a thing, when said sexy Gryffindor boy plowed into the library.

Sirius didn't pretend to be here for any legitimate reason. The whole school knew what was between them. Now, the school knew what an arse Sirius was and believed he'd try to cast an unforgivable and pin it on Remus. The overall effect was that Remus grew more forgiving, the less forgiving the rest of the student body was of Sirius. They'd never flaunted their relationship, and most of the school had forgotten about it. Still, it was no longer a secret, and no one thought it odd (though some still glared, and no girls giggled any more, not even Geena) when Sirius half-ran through tables of studying students to fling himself across the top of Remus and Lily's.

"Mooooony. We're popping over to you-know-where for some special pants while you sit in this stuffy room with Miss Evans the most wonderful lady to ever exist," Sirius shot Lily his trademark playboy smile and even an angry Lily seemed to trip over her anger for a second and lose herself in Sirius' eyes. Sirius' eyes that-- by some miracle-- were Remus' _forever_. Remus grinned.

"I know you're not a huge fan. Did you want some of that malted, eeerrr, um, or the honey-you-know-whats-its? Or maybe the red! Um, red... pants."

Remus started laughing. "Could you be more transparent, Pads?"

Sirius frowned. "Look, they're going to leave without me and I didn't have to come down here, you know. Do you want something or not?"

"Surprise me, Julietta."

Sirius exaggerated a bow, his hand waving, and darted back out of the library. Madam Pince yelled behind him, but was too late, as her voice reverberated around the quiet library but went unheard by a long-gone Sirius Black.

"Julietta? I can't believe you forgave him. I can't believe they didn't _expel_ him."

Remus tried to ignore her. Truly he did.

"I can't believe you even _like_ him, Remus. Why are you friends with him at all?"

Remus shrugged and reread the project instructions again, trying to calm down.

"Has he _imperio_'d you or something. I bet he would. That slimy--"

Remus couldn't help himself. He finally laughed. "An _Imperious_? Really? Sirius wouldn't cast an _Imperious_ on an ant." Remus did pause then to consider a house fly he once remembered. How _did_ one get a housefly to dance?

"That's just what you'd say if he cast one on you, isn't it?"

Remus put down his quill and sat up. He stretched his neck and looked at Lily. Her fiery hair, like her fiery temper, radiated around her like an aura. She rarely seemed to have time to brush it these days, and usually kept it pulled back, but when she was concentrating on something, she undid it so that it fell into her eyes. Maybe it was quieter for her behind her hair, or more secluded. As much as James cared about making his hair look messy, Lily didn't seem to care about making hers look neat.

"Lily," Remus began gravely, "you must simply take my word for it that James' story is not the truth."

"Potter? Lie to make himself look good? You don't say."

Remus sighed.

"So what really happened? Did Sirius just _trip_ and miss Sev?"

"Sirius didn't cast any Unforgivables, for starters. He wouldn't, I don't think. He associates them with his family, and he has this irrational hatred of everything he associates with his family."

"Right." Lily shrugged the explanation off and went back to writing.

"No, listen. Please."

She must have heard something in his voice, because when she turned to look at him there was slightly less anger and slightly more confusion in her grey-green eyes. "Alright," she whispered, "I'm listening."

Remus leaned closer to her, aware of the tens of student ears surrounding them in the noise-hungry library. "I don't mind-- no, I do, but Sirius doesn't mind what people in the school think about him. James made up that story, because as long as it makes Sirius look bad, Sni-- Severus won't contradict it. I do have to admit that it makes James look good, but you don't ask a lamia to start a convent."

"A... what?" Lily's brow creased. Remus smiled.

"Uh, sorry. What's a comparable muggle saying? Maybe, you... you can't ask a tiger to change its stripes? People are who they are."

"And Sirius? He's a caster of... well, if it wasn't an Unforgivable, what did he cast, exactly?"

"Sirius? He didn't cast _anything_. He _did_ tell Severus how to follow us, but he did also tell Severus that he'd be asking for it if he followed us. Severus--"

"Oh."

"Yeah. It was stupid of Sirius to let anyone know how to follow us. We were going someplace very... dangerous, and very personal to me. But I've forgiven him, and Dumbledore... He did very seriously consider expelling Sirius. I managed to talk him out of it. I need Sirius here, you see. I don't mind if no one else understands it. It's simply the truth."

Lily was gaping at him, open-mouthed. "So Sirius..."

"Sirius is not the person everyone thinks he is. Neither are Pete and James, in fact... Or... I mean, neither I am. The four of us have got some confidences, Lily, and if it's easier to get everyone to believe some preposterous story about how evil Sirius is-- if that will keep people from asking questions-- we're all willing to do it. It drives me mad, having everyone look at me like 'why would you be with someone like _that_,' but Sirius... he thinks he deserves it. And that's probably what hurts _me_ the most." Remus shrugged, and, considering the conversation over, turned back to his project.

Lily, on the other hand, watched him for a long while before she started her half of the project. When they finally rose to leave the library just as night was falling outside, Lily stopped him in the corridor.

"Remus? I'm sorry about the things I said about Sirius. I guess... James said a while ago, when you guys first... He told me I didn't know you guys at all. I guess he wasn't lying. But if it helps at all, this Sirius you know? I wish I could get to know him. I couldn't like him any worse than the Sirius I know now." A smile skittered across her face.

"Thanks, Lily. That means a lot to me, it does, but as I was saying it's a matter of--"

"Confidences, I know."

"I've got to run. Bye."


	15. How Strange, The Form of Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In school, the Remus and Sirius perform a complicated spell to marry their thoughts in a subtle but intricate union. Fluffy beginning, epic-length, angsty ending. It sticks somewhat close to canon throughout.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
**Current location:** |  [St. Paul, MN](http://maps.google.com/maps?q=St.+Paul,+MN)  
---|---  
**Current mood:** |   
gloomy  
**Current music:** | The Who - Pinball Wizard  
**Entry tags:** |   
[!fandom: harry potter](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/%21fandom:+harry+potter), [chaptered: how strange](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/chaptered:+how+strange), [character: james potter](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/character:+james+potter), [character: regulus black](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/character:+regulus+black), [character: remus lupin](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/character:+remus+lupin), [character: sirius black](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/character:+sirius+black), [characters: mwpp](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/characters:+mwpp), [length: 2000+ words](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/length:+2000%2B+words), [pairing: lily/james](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/pairing:+lily/james), [pairing: remus/sirius](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/pairing:+remus/sirius)  
  
  
_**How Strange, The Form of Fear: Chapter 14 [Harry Potter]**_  
**Fandom:** Harry Potter  
**Title: **How Strange, The Form of Fear  
**Chapter:** 14: Carrot Greens  
**Summary: **In school, the Remus and Sirius perform a complicated spell to marry their thoughts in a subtle but intricate union. Fluffy beginning, epic-length, angsty ending. It sticks somewhat close to canon throughout.  
**This Chapter:** Brief exploration of sexual kinks, and an inter-house skirmish on the way to Hogsmeade.  
**Characters/Pairings: **Remus/Sirius, eventual James/Lily  
**Rating/Warnings: **NC-17.  
**AN:** Unbeta'd.  
**Word Count:** 2477

Chapter 14: Carrot Greens

Lily started sitting closer to them during meals from then onward. It stifled their conversation, and there were clearly times she noticed this behavior. Sirius was balls at trying to make up code words. Nearly everything came to be about pants with him. James was slightly more creative. Remus' lycanthropy became his "furry little problem" with such regularity that Joel was soon asking what sort of pet Remus had and whether he had tried a trainer of any sort for it. When Sirius announced that it was a rabbit and that it would be "perfect to eat up", Joel had to wait for James' fit of hysteria to subside before Joel admitted to not knowing of any rabbit trainers.

Remus, though, raised an eyebrow at Sirius and said with a smirk he only half-felt, "Since when have you wanted to _consume_ my 'furry little problem,' Pads?"

Sirius smacked his lips and returned a feral grin. "Since the day I realized I shouldn't, Moony."

Remus wanted so badly to be disgusted, but anything that made Sirius' eyes go all dark and lidded like that could not be disgusting.

And it was then, sitting at the Gryffindor table, that the image of Padfoot-the-dog as a sexual being first passed through Remus' brain. Passed through, however, was probably not a great description of what this idea did. Rather, it dive-bombed his nether-regions and gave him a trouser tent that even Sirius, in his effortless distraction, could never miss.

Peter and James were left to speak to Lily and Joel alone as Remus and Sirius tried to run out of the Great Hall only half-way through dinner without attracting too much attention. Well, they failed at not attracting attention. Fuck that. Remus didn't give a damn who was watching. None of those people were about to score with Sirius Black.

*****

Thus begun the halcyon days of Sirius' and Remus' relationship. Their sex drive picked back up again as they discovered new trust in sharing private, forbidden desires. They never _did_ any of the things they whispered in each other's ears in intimate moments, much to Remus' relief, but the experience of sharing these fantasies was an erotic Elysium. They knew so many of each other's secrets already that each additional one began to feel as if nothing new was being said. Or perhaps that was their bond speaking. It was like voicing a thought you've had for a while: a relief, but not anything you didn't already know.

Remus was slightly troubled by Sirius' attraction to the wolf, but no more troubled than he was over his own attraction to the canine Sirius. Sirius easily waved these both off as something deeper brought about by their bonding, and Remus believed Sirius simply because he wanted to believe him. Neither knew how to have sex with an animal or whether it was safe, and both felt there was some line there they shouldn't cross, but the thoughts, if not the actions, rolled off their tongues like honey.

When the spring Hogsmeade arrived, the school had grown accustom to them enough so that the two walked side-by-side down the road towards the town. The air was still chilly and Remus wore his scarf wrapped tightly around his neck. Sirius had let his fringe grow much too long and kept sweeping it out of his eyes and back over his head as the wind picked it up and mussed with it. Remus wondered whether they looked handsome together. Did he look like a match for Sirius Black?

James, Joel, and Peter were walking ahead a bit, though James was clearly more involved in Lily and her friends than he was in Peter and Joel.

"You think Evans will ever date Prongs?" Sirius asked.

Remus shrugged. He didn't really want to discuss James' ill-fated love life on such a lovely day.

"I guess she doesn't approve of us," Sirius continued. "She ever give you lectures about hanging out with the evil Black-and-Potter?"

Remus laughed. "No, but she does give me some lectures about hanging with Potter-and-Black."

"Ouch! Moony, you wound me."

"You deserve it."

"Most likely."

The walked in silence for a while longer before Sirius asked. "No, but, really, does she say things? Everyone is always saying things."

"You're right, everyone _is_ always saying things, but I never got the impression that you cared."

"I don't care when it's Benny Westing. But Evans is the only friend you've got besides the three of us. I know how much it matters to you what the three of us think. Does it matter to you what _she_ thinks?"

Remus tilted his head, considering. "Yes. Maybe. Not as much."

"Why, 'not as much'?"

"Well, probably because I'm not married to Lily Evans," Remus laughed and elbowed Sirius, but Sirius did not laugh back. "What's gotten into you today?" Remus asked.

"I just don't like the idea that you sit around with a friend who badmouths me all the time."

"I don't," Remus shook his head. "I've told her to lay off you."

Sirius was trying not to smile. Remus could see that. Nothing in the world could stop Sirius' hand snaking out from his warm winter robes and finding Remus', though. "Remus," the most feared boy in Hogwarts whispered, "do you know I love you?"

Remus found himself blushing like a little girl, which was quite a compromising position for a boy on the cusp of manhood. "I know, Sirius. You don't have to say--"

"I like to say it. I ought to have said it before." Sirius was not smiling.

"You know I--"

"Lookit, the shit-stabbers are holding hands!"

Remus held very tightly to his tenuous hold on Sirius, who swung around to find the source of the voice. "Aw, is Ickle Reggikins jealous? Too bad, get your own."

Remus relaxed. Nothing Regulus could do or say seemed to instigate Sirius these days. Sirius said it was because it was all too easy for him to picture the boy in dirty nappies bawling his eyes out. "He gets riled up because he always wanted to be just like me, and now he sees that being me also means being poor and bent and unwanted, and not everyone can pull it off with style. He's jealous 'cause he's too sissy to be me, and he can't admit it," Sirius had said. Remus had to agree that there was a beautiful kernel of absolute truth to Sirius' words. When had Sirius become a lesser prophet?

Regulus didn't answer back, but that had nothing to do with Sirius' retort, Remus was surprised to see. Rather, James had sprung back and had Regulus on the ground at wandpoint.

"Sirius is right. You are a fucking coward." James spat.

Remus released Sirius. Pete, Joel, Lily, and about six other students were already running towards the altercation. Sirius, Remus, and Pete were let through the crowd with the easy respect that they had gotten used to at Hogwarts. Every crowd parted for them.

"'Sup then?" Peter asked.

"Didn't you hear what this-- this excuse for a-- a-- a--"

"Eloquent as always, Prongs," Sirius laughed.

"How can you laugh? Didn't you hear--"

"Heard worse," Sirius shrugged.

"From _who_?"

"Oh, well... him, come to think of it." Sirius waved a cavalier hand towards Regulus.

"Give me a reason I oughtn't hex him into next Tuesday, then."

"First off, flattered, Prongs, really I am, but I can do my own hexing if I think someone needs hexing on my behalf."

That did make James' wand-hand falter a bit. "No one's saying you're not good at hexing--"

"Well they better not be, or they'll find out how not good I am first-hand, eh?"

James actually laughed at this. Apparently, James' laughter seemed to give permission to the slowly-growing circle of students that they could laugh as well. Titters ruffled through the crowd, and, though Remus could tell that many students who had no idea why they were laughing, most felt obliged to do so. Merlin, no wonder James and Sirius had god-complexes. It wasn't entirely their fault, surely.

"I'll give you a reason."

Remus groaned as Lily Evans stepped between Regulus and James.

"I'll hex you back, and into _a week from Tuesday_ also."

"Good show Evans, now step aside," James smiled at her, and Remus could swear the smile was actually-- genuine? He liked seeing her between him and his target? That made absolutely no sense.

Before she could step aside, though, she was flying towards the ground. Underneath her, Regulus was wearing a wolf-like grin, and Remus found himself wondering what the boy's animagus would have been. A flashing vision of a black dog and a black wolf trying to lock teeth into the undersides of each other's throats disturbed Remus' sunny winter afternoon. He didn't like that vision one bit, nor did he have any doubt that his own wolf could and would tear the small black one apart bone by bone if it meant protecting the dog. The thought made him sick to his stomach.

Once Regulus knocked Lily to the ground, he was hissing filthy names at her. Everything began to move with exceptional speed. Sirius and James were throwing hexes at Regulus without regard to who he was or whether Sirius could remember his dirty nappies. Sirius, in fact, got him with a great jinx, and carrot greens soon began to unfurl from Regulus' ears. James followed this with a leg-locker curse, and Regulus dropped to the grass. The two high-fived, and James helped a stammering Lily up. She seemed too confused to object to the attentions of the disreputable Potter at the moment.

"What did he call me?" She was stunned, staring to where a group of angry Slytherin students were helping Regulus up and towards the Hospital Wing with glares over their shoulders.

"Uh-oh," Remus sighed, "You _could_ be expelled for that, if he called home."

"Nah, he won't," Sirius laughed. "First he'd have to admit in front of the Headmaster that he called Evans a-- what was it?-- did he manage to call you a cunt _and_ a mudblood in the same sentence?"

Lily only stammered and rubbed a grass-stained knee.

"Then second, he'd have to admit to losing a fight to me and Prongs here. Trust me, if he's about to stand in front of Walburga and announce that Big Bad Sirius beat the crap out of him when he tried to insult a muggle-born witch, he would've been in Gryffindor. He hasn't got the stones."

Remus, for once, thought Sirius made a lot of sense, and he shoved all worries about Walburga Black from his mind.

"You alright, then?" Peter asked Lily.

"Yeah, uh. Thanks? You really shouldn't hex other students, no matter what they call you."

"Right. Just watch your back, Evans," James nodded down at her, peering over his glasses in an attempt to look older that simply made him look slightly like McGonagall. "Anti-muggle-born sentiment is rising, and it's all coming from that house."

"Not all," Remus volunteered. "It wouldn't be wise to assume there are no enemies elsewhere."

"Too true, Moony. Not everyone can be a Gryffindor, after all." Sirius beamed at Lily. "Not like all of us, eh?"

Lily, for her part, glared back. The crowd of on-looking students was dissipating now, as everyone wanted to get into Hogsmeade and start their Saturday. "I thought you said Potter and Black were better than I gave them credit for, Remus."

Remus frowned. "Well, Prongs has got his buttons. Tiger-stripes, like I said."

She turned strangely angry eyes at James. "Why do they call you Prongs?"

"What, can't you see my horns? You're always telling me I'm the devil, aren't you?" James gave her a cheeky grin.

Lily rolled her eyes and walked off, but Remus noticed her small limp. From the frowns on his three friends' faces, they noticed as well.

"Doesn't she hang with Snivellus?" Peter asked.

"She does," Remus answered.

"Better watch her back then," Sirius' voice was unusually flat and tense. "Snivelly does like to do whatever Regulus does. If Regulus is picking on mudbloo--"

"Sirius!" Remus hissed.

"What's that?"

"Don't call them that!"

"Oh right, sorry. You grow up hearing a word, it's hard to remember it's, you know, pejorative."

"Nice vocabulary, Pads," James grinned as the four of them turned towards Hogsmeade. Remus wasn't sure whether James was referring to "mudblood" or "pejorative".

"You know I don't think about her-- about any of them-- that way. You do know that, don't you?" Sirius voice took on a manic edge, and it wasn't clear who he was asking, but James slung an arm around Sirius' neck and kissed the top of Sirius' ruffled black hair.

"_Sonorous_," James pointed his wand at his throat, "let it be known," the members of the student body walking casually towards Hogsmeade turned to gape at James and his awkward hold on a struggling, laughing Sirius, "that Sirius Black, true heir of the Black family line and most proficient hexer in history, shall come to be regarded as The Hero of Muggleborns, Protector and Defender of All Things Muggle, and Great Lover of Those of Dubious Sanguine Content." James added a wink at Remus with this last title.

"I don't think that's a proper use of the word 'sanguine'," Remus laughed.

"He," Peter added.

"Huh?" Three (now normal volume and un-headlocked) voices asked him.

"James said 'Great Lover of Those of Dubious Sanguine Content', but I think he meant, 'Great Lover of He of Dubious Sanguine Content,' unless Pads has a piece on the side?"

"Right, 'He'," Sirius was quick to add, slinging his not-unwelcomed arm over Remus' shoulder. Remus leaned into the warmth, against the cold day.

"I still don't think the word you're looking for is 'sanguine'," Remus sighed.

Nobody listened to him. For the first time in months, students gave them glances not because Remus and Sirius were together or because Sirius had supposedly tried to kill Snape, but because they were the Marauders, and it didn't matter if Sirius and Remus actually kissed across a butterbeer in the Three Broomsticks (even if it was on a dare of Pete's), they were still Marauders, and the 'prank' got another three butterbeers delivered to their table by other students, students who wanted to be able to brag that they'd bought a beer for James Potter or Sirius Black at Hogsmeade.

Nothing prepared Remus for what he heard later that Tuesday in Care of Magical Creatures, though, when Slytherin Essenia Scamander whispered into her fellow Slytherin Zella Imago's ear, "I bought a butterbeer for Lupin at Hogsmeade. It's not hard to see why Black got bent for that!"

He smiled to himself. Just as they may have enemies outside Slytherin House, it would be good to keep in mind that being a Slytherin did not preclude being an ally.


	16. How Strange, The Form of Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In school, the Remus and Sirius perform a complicated spell to marry their thoughts in a subtle but intricate union. Fluffy beginning, epic-length, angsty ending. It sticks somewhat close to canon throughout.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
**Current location:** |  [St. Paul, MN](http://maps.google.com/maps?q=St.+Paul,+MN)  
---|---  
**Current mood:** |   
creative  
**Entry tags:** |   
[!fandom: harry potter](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/%21fandom:+harry+potter), [chaptered: how strange](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/chaptered:+how+strange), [character: james potter](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/character:+james+potter), [character: peter pettigrew](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/character:+peter+pettigrew), [character: remus lupin](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/character:+remus+lupin), [character: sirius black](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/character:+sirius+black), [characters: mwpp](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/characters:+mwpp), [length: 2000+ words](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/length:+2000%2B+words), [pairing: lily/james](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/pairing:+lily/james), [pairing: remus/sirius](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/pairing:+remus/sirius)  
  
  
_**How Strange, The Form of Fear: Chapter 15 [Harry Potter]**_  
**Fandom:** Harry Potter  
**Title: **How Strange, The Form of Fear  
**Chapter:** 15: Wheels, Turning  
**Summary: **In school, the Remus and Sirius perform a complicated spell to marry their thoughts in a subtle but intricate union. Fluffy beginning, epic-length, angsty ending. It sticks somewhat close to canon throughout.  
**This Chapter:** Post-Snape's Worst Memory, James feels like an extra wheel, and Sirius gets an invitation he cannot decline.  
**Characters/Pairings: **Remus/Sirius, eventual James/Lily  
**Rating/Warnings: **NC-17.  
**AN:** Unbeta'd. Also, I just want to thank those of you who have left feedback. It means an awful lot to me. It keeps me writing, truly.  
**Word Count:** 2541

Chapter 15: Wheels, Turning

"I don't get it," Peter leaned back on his bunk and held his glass of firewhisky up to the light. "Aren't Snape and Evans friends?"

"Yeah, they were. I guess that's why she looked so upset at dinner," James answered glumly.

"I'd never say anything like that to a friend," Sirius sniffed. "Not even if I _had_ just been upside-down." He tried to look dignified, but after a moment he could not hold it. He burst into laughter. James, who had been trying for the sake of Evans to act serious about the whole business, couldn't help himself in the face of Sirius' giggles. He broke down as well. Soon, Remus was trying to pretend he wasn't laughing into his sweater sleeve, and Peter was full-out guffawing, though he probably had no idea why.

"You shouldn't have done that," Remus said with a smile.

"Oi, that's what they said to Brutus," Sirius smirked and toasted himself before swallowing another amber mouthful.

"Was that a literary reference, or a historical one?" Remus asked, distracted.

"It was your mum! Who the hell cares? It was both! You are such a boring arse, Remus. I swear, you'll never pull a bird with that kind of attitude."

"Good."

"Won't pull any decent blokes, either," Sirius waved an arm and seemed in real jeopardy of falling off his bed. James snorted with laughter.

Remus gave Sirius a peculiar stare and answered, "Alas, you do seem to be right on that front as well. I'll stick to the indecent ones, then, shall I?"

Sirius' firewhisky splattered as he actually did fall off his bed. James rose to clean it up, and Sirius climbed, cat-like, onto Remus' bed, where he gracelessly and began _licking_ the back of Remus' neck.

"Guys!" Peter whinged. "Really, now? That's not even..."

"Sirius is a horny drunk," Remus answered matter-of-factly. "And it wasn't my idea to break out the firewhisky.

"Well, he wasn't supposed to drink so much," James offered, setting Sirius' now-empty glass on his nightstand.

"James Potter, meet Sirius Black," Remus laughed.

"Alright, alright. Just-- don't do anything that'll make Wormtail puke."

Remus snorted and tilted his head forward even more as Sirius nuzzled behind one of Remus' ears. James could see Sirius whispering and kissing. He shifted a bit, feeling awkward and rather put out.

"So, are they not friends any more?" Wormtail asked.

"_Pads and Remus?_" James goggled at Peter.

"Snape and Evans, you moron."

"Oh. Right, sorry." James chewed his lip in thought.

"I doubt it," Remus interjected. "She didn't want to talk to him earlier when he grovelled outside the common room. Don't suppose anyone's got a draw? It's been a long day. So glad to be done with O.W.L.'s, though. I was doing revisions in my dreams." Sirius giggled something and Remus laughed a bit. James let the joke pass, not the least bit curious as to what else Remus had been up to in his dreams.

"You know that stuff makes me feel like my brain's on fire," James answered quietly.

"Why'd he say it, then?" Peter could not be deterred.

"Who, Remus? Merlin, I'm confused." James squinted at Peter.

"Regulus," Sirius murmured hauntingly into the back of Remus' neck. Remus smiled.

"Pads, you have some serious family issues if you are thinking about Regulus while doing _that_," James frowned.

Remus laughed. "What Peter was asking was, why did Snape insult Lily if they're friends? Sirius thinks Snape saw how Regulus treated Lily on that day we had that tussle on the way to Hogsmeade. You know how much Snape wants to be like Regulus. I bet he was trying to imitate Regulus. Impress him, maybe."

"Nutter," James shook his head. "Thank you for the interpretation, professor Moony."

Sirius detached himself from Remus' neck. "I've got some scurvy-grass in my drawer if you want a puff up on the roof, Moony."

Remus nodded and got out of bed, heading straight for Sirius' supply of grass and rolling papers. Remus did look exhausted. He'd studied harder for the O.W.L.'s than any of them, and he deserved to take the night off. For Merlin's sake, why did Pete think they wanted to sit around and discuss Snivellus? "See you later, then," James called at the departing pair.

"Don't let the Death Eaters bite," Remus answered with a smile.

James settled back in bed and looked over at Peter, who sat quietly, appearing to be deep in through. After a moment of rather awkward silence, Peter sighed and asked, "So I guess that's it for Snivellus and Evans, eh?"

"Yeah," James sighed. "'S alright. Friends come and go, you know? She's better off without him hanging on."

"Sure."

"Just feels like..." James sighed. "I mean, I know people say there's a war coming on. But when it starts to hit people we know, when it starts to be about how students treat other students _here_, where there _isn't_ a war-- Even though I'm glad to have Snivellus away from Evans...

You see, I only hate him more-- him and Reggie-puss-- for bringing their stupid idiocy here, where-- where-- _dammit_, where it shouldn't be _allowed_. They can't just go around calling students _mudbloods_. Remus ought to have reported that. It just makes me _so sodding mad_," James was speaking through clenched teeth now. "And not just 'cause it's Evans, you know?" He glared at Peter, so Pete nodded enthusiastically. "It's just fuckers like _them_ that make the world seem like it's going to the bleeding squits. Argh. Fuck. I just want to go down to those dungeons right now and punch their ugly faces in. In fact--"

James jumped out of bed and wrested his robe on over his pyjamas. "Fuck this. I'm going to find Sirius and I'm going to remind those fuckers--"

"Sirius is getting stoned!" Peter exclaimed, untwisting himself from his covers to get out of his bunk.

"Good!" cried James. "He has better ideas then. You in or not?" But James was already leaving the room and didn't turn to check whether Peter followed.

*****

Now that O.W.L.'s were over, summer hols were fast approaching. For most students, summer was a time of joy and freedom, and its arrival was celebrated. For Sirius and Remus, the onset of summer was something to mourn. Remus lived in Yorkshire, and Sirius in Godric's Hollow with the Potters. All in all, they could hardly have lived further apart and still both been in England. Sirius, London-born-and-raised, considered either location to be absurdly remote. Summer was better now with the Potters than it had been when he'd had to go home to his mum and dad, but being apart from Remus made him into a pansy, and he hated that most of all. He and James would get in plenty of trouble, Sirius decided, and commit a lot of criminal acts. That way no one would see that he was broken up about being far away from his boyfriend. Maybe they would set something on fire. Something _big_.

Sirius knew it was pathetic. But he didn't know what to do about it.

All other things being equal, then, Sirius-- begging James' pardon-- was beyond thrilled to find that the note the school owl had dropped onto his buttered toast was from the Lupins, inviting him up for the summer. Nevertheless, he restrained himself and didn't impart this information to James until after dinner that night. He knew James would not take it lightly or well. Sirius, in his place, would not want to be left alone all summer with his parents-- even if his parents were as kindly as the Potters. Finally, though, Sirius knew he could put off the news no longer.

"The whole summer?" James blinked. "Pads, I'm going to die of boredom. Don't do this to me. Come on. Be a mate."

"If you ever pull Evans, I won't say a word when you ditch me for her."

"You wouldn't notice, the way you and Moony are."

"That's not even close to fair." Sirius spread more intently across the sofa in the common room. Several students were sitting on the floor, unable to find seats, but that never prevented Sirius from taking up the couch with a determined sprawl. In truth, he didn't even pay the students much mind. Sirius sat on the floor lots, and when he did, it was because he wanted to sit on the floor. Who was to say those tits weren't there because they wanted to be? Besides, was this the house of Gryffindor or wasn't it? If they wanted a seat at the couch, they'd have to get up the nerve to come on over and ask about it. Sirius honestly didn't know if he'd shove over in that case; no one ever approached him so straightforwardly except his friends. He did always move for them, though.

"What'll I do? All summer alone?"

"Dunno. Have a good tug or ten. A day." Sirius stretched his leg to kick James in the knee. James, sullen, didn't even respond. Sirius frowned. "Oh cheer up, mate! Maybe the Lupins will have you up, too. You're family and all."

"I still can't believe they're having _you_. Through the fulls and everything, Sirius?"

James and Sirius caught each others' eyes, brows furrowing. "Yeah, I guess. Dunno why not."

"Nevermind, Pads. I'm happy for you, but it'd be my idea of hell to be stuck up there with you two all summer."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Sirius sat up and gave James a disapproving look.

James shrugged uncomfortably. "Nothing. Just, well, you know. It's sometimes a bit like being a third wheel. I'll be fine. I was an only child before. I'll survive."

Sirius frowned but settled back onto the sofa. He was silent and seemed deep in thought for a moment, but when the portrait opened and Peter stepped through, the shadow hanging over Sirius' brow lifted. "Here's Peter. Sorry, Prongs, I've got to talk to Wormtail about our final Divs project."

"Ugh, have fun."

*****

Sirius sprung off the couch and wrangled Pete for several more exciting and enrapturing hours of homework. Post-O.W.L.'s homework was an absolute travesty, but at least in Divs they could make up most of it. Once Sirius and Peter has disappeared through the portrait hole, James sat up[ and stretched. He had his own Divs projects to do, and he'd been paired with Annie Lane of Ravenclaw. He supposed he better find her before she did it all herself and then reported to the teacher that he hadn't helped.

The walk to Ravenclaw Tower gave James time to hink. Of course, he was technically supposed to know where Ravenclaw Tower was, but that secret had been blown back in second year. James supposed it was a good sign that Sirius hadn't liked the idea of making James a 'third wheel'. James couldn't imagine what Sirius had been so deep in thought about, though. Sirius was right. It really was a no-brainer. If James ever settled down, he was sure he'd want to spend less time with Padfoot. He had trouble imagining wanting to spend mroe time with any bird mroe than with his friends, but Sirius and Remus got the best of both worlds there, didn't they? Lucky arses.

The whole summer. Alone. Why did the idea frighten him so much?

*****

The whole summer. Sirius' mind boggled at the idea. Remus' dad had picked them up at King's Cross and they'd all floo'd to a warm (overly so, considering it was summer) and roomy pub in Leeds. From there, they'd gotten into a muggle automobile in the wizarding pub's parking lot. The vrey idea of a wizarding pub having a parking lot was a bit hard for Sirius to grasp. He was used to the wizarding pubs of London's pureblood elite, where _nothing_ was muggle, not even the coat racks. The one at his dad's favorite pub was made from claws of a Chinese Fireball.

Mr. Lupin drove them in the automobile for nearly two hours through the sunny dales of some of the most beautiful countryside Sirius had seen. He and Remus sat in the backseat together, leaving the front passenger seat empty. The boys' fingers touched in the middle seat; Sirius needed the contact, though he wasn't sure whether to ground him from this flying sensation, or to keep him from wigging the fuck out with fear over the prospect of so many things muggle in the weeks and months to come. Probably both.

Sirius Black, brave Gryffindor and proud once-heir to the House of Black (but too bloody good for that House if you asked him), second youngest animagus of all time, was afraid of a muggle parking lot outside of a wizarding pub. It would have been funny to Sirius, if he wasn't afraid of what other muggle oddities might be lying about in Remus' home, waiting to trap an unknowing wizard.

They pulled up in the evening to a small two-story country house in dire need of painting. He and Remus had to carry their own trunks, though Remus' dad helped Remus with his. Sirius and Remus shared a glance and Remus made an apologetic shrug. Sirius could tell he was embarrassed. Sirius didn't mind, though, and he tried to concentrate on how little he minded. He didn't know if Remus could tell or not, through Sirius' moods or whatever, but Sirius thought it was worth a try. Remus' parents seemed like quiet people, and it was clear they weren't overly fond of Sirius, so if he and Remus could get some form of non-vocal communication going, maybe the summer would fare better.

Dinner was a subdued symphony of clinking flatware. After dinner, Mrs. Lupin showed Sirius to the bed she'd made up for him in the parlor: a mattress on the floor. Remus hung back awkwardly while Sirius tucked the sheets around it. Mrs. Lupin watched Sirius' clumsy efforts. It was, after all, possibly one of the five or so times in his life Sirius had been required to ever make up a bed, and doing it in front of Mrs. Lupin was somehow more frightening than making a very dangerous potion blindfolded under Slughorn's nose. Mrs. Lupin finally bid a very terse goodnight to Sirius, told Remus she'd like to speak to him upstairs in ten minutes, and disappeared.

"Sorry about this, Pads." Sirius could hear Remus' embarrassment as well as feel it.

Sirius, sitting cross-legged on his mattress, gave Remus a sheepish half-smile. "The things I put up with for you. I could be home, rolling around on my big bed, having a chieftain to thoughts of you, but instead I'm stuck here in Yorkshire looking in your stupid blue eyes, and I've got to wank downstairs in your house while you sleep upstairs."

Remus grinned. "My stupid blue eyes would love to _watch_ you wank."

"Your mum is waiting on you." Sirius raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah, but they're heavy sleepers. They've got to be, they've learned to sleep through the fulls."

Sirius nodded. "I'll sneak up then."

"Can you give them about three hours?"

"Yeah, whatever."

Remus flashed a fleeting smile at Sirius. "You're the best." He dashed up the stairs, leaving Sirius smiling alone in the dim and unfamiliar parlor.


	17. How Strange, The Form of Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In school, the Remus and Sirius perform a complicated spell to marry their thoughts in a subtle but intricate union. Fluffy beginning, epic-length, angsty ending. It sticks somewhat close to canon throughout.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
**Current location:** |  [St. Paul, MN](http://maps.google.com/maps?q=St.+Paul,+MN)  
---|---  
**Current mood:** |   
mellow  
**Entry tags:** |   
[!fandom: harry potter](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/%21fandom:+harry+potter), [chaptered: how strange](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/chaptered:+how+strange), [character: remus lupin](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/character:+remus+lupin), [character: sirius black](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/character:+sirius+black), [length: 2000+ words](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/length:+2000%2B+words), [pairing: remus/sirius](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/pairing:+remus/sirius)  
  
  
_**How Strange, The Form of Fear: Chapter 16 [Harry Potter]**_  
**Fandom:** Harry Potter  
**Title: **How Strange, The Form of Fear  
**Chapter:** 16: The Trouble With Family  
**Summary: **In school, the Remus and Sirius perform a complicated spell to marry their thoughts in a subtle but intricate union. Fluffy beginning, epic-length, angsty ending. It sticks somewhat close to canon throughout.  
**This Chapter:** Drama at the Lupin home. Also, sex at the Lupin home.  
**Characters/Pairings: **Remus/Sirius, eventual James/Lily  
**Rating/Warnings: **NC-17, bestiality  
**Word Count:** 3348

Chapter 16: The Trouble With Family

Sirius woke up hours later in Remus' upstairs bed. Come had dried flaky between his legs and on his belly, but he hardly had time to notice, as his dick was hard in Remus' mouth. Sirius still hadn't fully awoken by the time he was climaxing, twisting in the blankets and writhing to get a better grip on the boy between his legs.

In his half-asleep state, Sirius barely bit down on a moan. He wasted no time in flipping Remus and plunging under the covers, shoving Remus up. Soon Sirius's world was clouded by a haze of pale white light filtered through quilt and sheet. And there, in the place lit as he had always imagined heaven would be lit, Sirius found himself pointblank with balls and cock. He inhaled deeply and went to work with his tongue.

Sirius had a routine. He knew he did, and he didn't care. He doubted Remus cared, either, and the needful noises coming from above the blankets reinforced that notion as Sirius went to work tounging Remus' balls. He loved a cock in his mouth much as the next poof (or he had to assume the next poof loved it as much as he did, especially because at this moment the 'next poof' was Remus Lupin). Still, there was something about Remus' balls-- the way they stretched, the scar and the muscle and the mingled textures. Sirius ran his tongue from hair-less and scarred inner thigh to the dimples of follicles on the backside of Remus' ball sack, losing himself in the exploration. Only when Remus started jerking in earnest did Sirius remember he was supposed to be giving head. He drew himself up to slip Remus' cock in past his lips, then out again, then around, trying to meter his breathing and failing. The more Sirius' lungs burned the harder he sucked, slobbered, and licked, and he knew that his method of going about this particular sexual behavior was awfully canine but--

The idea struck him out of thin air. He loved the way Remus tasted and smelled. Wouldn't Remus's tastes and smells be so much more heightened as perceived through the senses of a dog? Remus might not even notice the difference, as far gone as he was, and to Sirius, there simply was no difference. Sirius was Sirius in either form.

And so, quite suddenly, Sirius shifted form. He buried his snout behind Remus balls, and Remus bucked wildly and let one of his whimpers become an actual outcry. Oh, well yes, Remus had probably noticed after all. Still, he wasn't jerking away or calling Sirius a pervert or anything, not yet. Sirius went back to licking as furiously as he could, his long pink tongue lapping at pre-come under the blankets. He'd never been aroused as a dog before, but he was starting to feel it, and it was somewhat different-- and also somewhat the same-- as being aroused when a boy.

Remus' grunting had become more of a rhythmic keening, and Sirius thought it was the most beautiful sound he had heard in perhaps ever. He lapped harder--

"Remus," there came a knock on the door, and Sirius tried to still his tongue, though it gave a few involuntary flickers. Remus continued to buck and grasp for Padfoot's heat from above the blankets. "Remus, I heard a cry, are you alright--"

Mrs. Lupin's unobstructed voice was coming from the room's door. As Padfoot, Sirius could easily tell, even though blankets, how far away Mrs. Lupin was, and in which direction she was facing. None of it boded well. And Remus, bless his blood beautiful bollocks, was still writhing and bucking-- or rather, trying not to. He wasn't making any sounds, and Sirius rather suspected that this was because, had Remus opened his mouth, a less dignified response would come out than his mother was no doubt expecting. Not that one could ever really expect something in an instance like this. What was the _expected_ response?

Mrs. Lupin settled on yelping and shutting the door, then calling through it, "I'll... I'll just get breakfast ready. You boys come down soon and...and join us for breakfast. Okay. Okay."

Sirius found it odd that this last was not a question. And then he did the most inadvisable thing he could have done, and he barked.

"Shhh," Remus flailed a bit and tossed back the blankets, "I can't believe you're-- you're bloody sucking me off as a dog, Pads!"

Caught between self-consciousness and arousal, Sirius sat up and transformed. "That a good thing or a bad thing?" he asked.

"I don't give a damn, just finish me off!"

"Yeah, alright. Even after that mum thing?"

"Dammit. Sirius. Finish. Me. Off." Remus beamed Sirius in the head with a pillow.

Sirius laughed and settled back down-- as a human-- to lick, suck, and blow Remus to full ecstasy. And when that moment did come, Sirius was sure Mrs. Lupin could hear her precious baby boy coming into the mouth of another man, even from downstairs where she was supposedly making breakfast.

Sirius pulled himself up and settled into Remus. The warm summer air hit their sweaty skin and gave them both a chill they shared.

Remus sighed after a while and said, "I could feel that, you know. The smell, what it's like to be a dog."

Sirius grunted and shrugged.

"I wonder if that's what it's like for me on the fulls."

Sirius nodded against Remus's shoulder, his sweaty hair sticking to pale Moony skin. "It is. 'S why I had to change the first night Madam Pomfrey kept me in the hospital wing. It was like my brain was half-dog and my body was fighting it, and it was just terrible. As soon as I turned though, I got on just fine."

"Oh. Well, I didn't think it was terrible at all."

"I don't mean to offend, love, but you are what you are. I _transfigure_ myself. My human body and mind have no real trace of Padfoot."

"Well, that's magical theory and you can't really know that, but you may be onto something. And please never think you offend me, Pads."

Sirius rose up on one elbow and tentatively smiled down at Remus. "You know, Moony, I think you should have been sorted into Slytherin."

"Oh yeah? Why's that?"

"You woke me up with a blow job just to get one in return. That's pretty scheming." Sirius wriggled his eyebrows.

Remus rolled his eyes in response. "I _am_ a Marauder. I just use my Marauding talents for more noble purposes."

"Hexing Slytherins is noble."

"Alright. But not nearly as sexually exciting."

"You win," Sirius grinned. "Now, what are we going to do about your mum?"

Remus shrugged. "It's a bit embarrassing, but I guess most everyone gets caught by their parents someday. Besides, unlike all those people, we're 'married'." Remus made a quote in the air to accompany the word, and Sirius pouted at it. "We're married and she tried to have you sleep on a mattress on the parlor floor. And who bursts into a teenage boy's room, anyway? She must have seen already that you weren't downstairs?"

"Didn't she knock?"

"Dunno," Remus admitted.

"So we play it off, then?" Sirius sat up.

"I reckon so," Remus frowned.

"Brilliant," Sirius beamed, "because I am bloody famished."

*****

Two days later, Mrs. Lupin gave in and packed away the parlor mattress. Mr. Lupin made all sorts of grumblings about it, but she shook her head and would hear none of it.

"They're already sleeping together, John. And they will whether we can walk across the parlor or not."

"Not in my house, they won't." Remus winced and watched Sirius' face. They were only one room away; surely his parents knew they were being overheard.

"They're already _bound_. You can't control them."

"Remus isn't even _of age_. I can control him all I like. And I can certainly hex that little pure blooded snob into next week!"

Sirius hissed, and Remus winced this time. "I... I don't think he means it..." Remus offered hesitantly.

"His family's rotten, and he's bound to be rotten, too," Mr. Lupin wasn't even trying to be quiet as he wailed on Sirius' parentage-- which probably wouldn't have bothered Sirius if he wasn't being likened to those parents.

Remus clenched a hand on Sirius' knee. "Perhaps I should have a word with him."

"John," Mrs. Lupin's usually meek voice seemed to gather some strength, "They are _married_. They _ought_ to be sharing a room. You can't baby Remus, and insulting Sirius is only an insult to Remus' ability to judge others' characters."

Remus felt a glimmer of pride roiling off Sirius. "What?" He whispered to Sirius.

"Reminds me of you," Sirius smiled, his face very close, his lips moving closer. Sirius pressed a kiss to Remus' lips and then parted them with his own, pulling at the bottom one. "She's so quiet, but she fights like a," Sirius laughed, his lips still tangling with Remus' as he talked, "like a mother wolf. Just that quiet growl."

"My mum doesn't growl," Remus pulled back to answer.

"Yeah, and I bet you don't either," Sirius pressed his kisses a bit further.

"I... I..." Remus gave up on the lipping to grab the back of Sirius' head. An entirely human growl erupted from the back of his throat and he pulled himself up to straddle Sirius.

"Oh heavens. You two," Mrs. Lupin's flustered voice interrupted them as she entered the room, and Remus sprung away from Sirius.

Sirius smirked at Remus. "Told you so."

"S-Sorry, mum," Remus lowered his head.

"What-- Um, can you... Right, how about we all just have supper now?" So they were going to keep on playing this off. Remus's family was one that liked to play things off, didn't like direct confrontation, and growing up he'd been happy for the peace. After spending years with three of the most combative boys this side of the Madagascar, though, Remus was now beginning to see just how much room a white elephant could take up, and why sometimes removing it was really quite a bit easier.

*****

Speaking of white elephants, that of his and Sirius' affections, accompanied as it was by that of his and Sirius' shared sleeping accommodations (as thankful as they both were for those!), were both soon dwarfed by the coming full moon. Two weeks, Sirius had been here. Two weeks, Sirius had withstood suspicious glares from Remus' dad and flustered blushes from his mum. They'd spent a lot of time outside, as the Lupins lived quite in the middle of nowhere. They themselves had very little land, but all around was wilderness: rolling green hills and greens-clogged lakes in secluded valleys. He and Sirius explored. Sometimes they stopped for sex. More often the stopped so that a very silly and canine Sirius could flop around in some muddy little rut of a pond, and then they had to explain upon returning to the Lupins that Sirius sometimes enjoyed padfooting about at quarter moons as well. Mr. Lupin, unamused, had insisted upon hosing him down in the back yard. Once, Remus had laughed for nearly a half-hour when Sirius ripped apart the toaster in a misguided attempt at preventing it from eating his toast. Sirius had given Mr. Lupin the money for a new one, even though Remus knew it was the Potters' money and Sirius was loathe to use it. Sirius had spent more than a couple hours watching Remus' mum's tiny kitchen TV, practically drooling in fascination, even when it was just on the cooking channel. Or maybe he was drooling _because_ it was on the cooking channel... Sirius and Mrs. Lupin had kept their conversation somehow mostly on the television, and Remus knew Sirius was being polite by talking with his mum about her soaps like he cared, but he said later he didn't mind being polite, and that there were some people for which politeness was invented and that the mum of your bloke was probably one of those. Remus found he supremely enjoyed being called Sirius' bloke.

But now the full was the day after tomorrow, and all of the easy, false comfort that had been carefully cultivated around the Lupin residence was swiftly evaporating. Remus was used to this. Growing up, his mum became more agitated as the full moon approached. His dad started treating him like he'd done something wrong and needed a stern talking to, though Remus guessed that it was just his dad's nature to be stern whenever discussing the most grave topic of werewolves. Likely he'd been that way his whole life. Remus, in particular, just didn't appreciate it. It had taken him quite a long time to get used to Sirius' off-handedness about werewolves, and even longer to understand that that off-handedness was underlain by a quite serious understanding of the disease. Now, Remus was very grateful that Sirius didn't act as if his lycanthropy defined him, or was a massive tragedy, or something new Remus had never dealt with before. Remus was the expert on his own health, and he did not require anyone else to be, not Sirius, not Madam Pomfrey, and not his dad. Somehow Sirius was the only one who seemed to understand this. He had well before their bonding.

Remus knew his father was about to give him a lecture about werewolves and full moons just as soon as his father put down his fork at dinner and cleared his throat. He tried to warn Sirius, thinking it towards the boy across the table with every fibre in his body. Sirius' eyes flickered up to meet Remus's, and Remus rolled his eyes and tilted his head towards his dad. Sirius frowned and looked that way just as Mr. Lupin began.

"Remus. Tomorrow night is the full moon."

Remus watched Sirius roll his eyes and stifled a laugh, though not well. "Thanks, dad."

"This is no laughing matter, Remus."

Sirius' blinked and twirled a bit of hair, and Remus somehow knew the sentiment behind it and laughed again.

"Remus!"

"Um, sorry. Yes, father. Full moon. You don't think I'll turn into a werewolf, do you?"

Sirius, who was drinking from his teacup at the moment, suddenly spit tea all over Remus with laughter.

"Remus!"

Remus was far too far gone. He and Sirius were both giggling into their hands and trying not to, which somehow only made it worse. Remus could feel Sirius' amusement like a tuning fork vibrating to his own, deep inside his chest, and it compounded the humor of the situation. And really, who couldn't laugh once Sirius Black had spit tea all over them? Remus wiped his own face off with a napkin, and Sirius laughed harder.

"Remus," his mother said quietly, "please show your father some respect."

Suddenly the joy had utterly gone out of the situation. "Mmm. Sorry. Sorry dad."

"Sorry Mr. Lupin," Sirius said, trying not to laugh and still having trouble with it. "I'm sorry, it's just, well you said-- then Moony said-- and, well, you both just said it like it hasn't ever happened before. And then I showered him in my tea." Sirius snorted into his knuckles, and Remus smiled across at him.

"I am forbidding Sirius from going with you tomorrow," Mr. Lupin said suddenly.

The humour evaporated instantaneously. "Dad!"

"You can't!" Sirius yelped.

"John..." Remus' mum whispered.

"He seems incapable of taking this seriously--"

"I go with him every--"

"And I can't be responsible for him," Mr. Lupin finished. "You'll go into the bunker alone."

"Bunker?" Sirius frowned.

"Sirius..." Remus warned. The very last thing his father could handle was knowing that Sirius approved of and enabled Remus' free reign on full moons.

"Yeah, alright," Sirius nodded.

"Alright?" Apparently even Mr. Lupin had got enough of Sirius' character to expect more of an argument.

"In the bunker," Sirius shrugged. "It'll be a little tight, eh?" He smiled.

"You aren't going into the bunker," Mr. Lupin said flatly.

"Oh. I didn't think you'd want Remus running about free on the full moon." Sirius shrugged.

"_Remus_ is going into the bunker. You are not."

"And here's where we have a disagreement," Sirius smiled tensely. "You see, I won't let Moony be alone on the moon. Not tomorrow, not come fall, not in twenty years. I made a vow, and every vow I made to your son, I intend to keep."

Remus shifted awkwardly in his chair and tried to remember when Sirius had made such a vow. The word alone made him feel... like a girl of some sort, and he frowned.

"You can kick me out, but if you do, Moony's coming with me. You can hex me, but if you do, there's two of us and one of you, and we'll fight our way out. So either there's two of us in the bunker tomorrow night, or there's two of us on the road tomorrow night."

"You wouldn't dare--"

"I would," Sirius nodded, and Remus knew Sirius was not bluffing, not one little bit.

"He would," Remus spoke quietly. "And so would I."

"Remus, even you cannot be this irresponsible. Can't you see he's a Black? He can't love you, a werewolf! He must be using you, or corrupting you, or trying to sway you to fight with other dark creatures for this new Dark Lord."

Sirius' spine stiffened like electricity had been jolted through him, and Remus realized there was no turning back from the path his father had just set them on.

"_Other_ dark creatures?" Sirius echoed in a dangerous purr.

"Dad," Remus' voice was stern and quiet, and he could see what Sirius meant about the growl. "You shouldn't speak about things you don't understand."

"Don't you dare talk about me like I don't understand. I understand the world far better than you do, and I know--"

"And I," Remus shot to his feet, his chair spilling backwards behind him, "understand Sirius far better than you do. You don't have to love that, you don't even have to respect it, but dammit, Dad, Sirius is no more a supporter of the Dark Lord's than I am of Fenrir Greyback's! Can't you see that? Just because he came from those people doesn't mean he's one of them. He made his escape, against all odds, without loving parents to guide him, without even knowing where he was going. You know what? I told Sirius that you would love him for that. I should have told him that you were a hypocrit who could respect it when his son escapes bad circumstances, but not when other people do. Fuck you."

Sirius stood then. Voice as tense as steel, he nearly-whispered, "I think I'd better go. I'll just, uh, I'll see you--" Sirius made a wave-like motion and left the room, heading straight for the front door.

Remus spun on a dime and vaulted after him. "Sirius! Sirius! Padfoot! Wait, don't--"

"You know where I'll be if you need me," Sirius answered quietly.

"Sirius, you can't go. The full's tomorrow."

"You'll be fine."

"What about that vow?"

Sirius, already halfway down the front walk, spun on his heels. "There was no vow, Remus! You know that. I made that up."

"That doesn't mean I don't want it," Remus called.

"I'm not... Look, your folks are good people. They want what's best for you, and I'm not going to rip up your family, Remus. I've ripped up too many families already. I know what it's like, don't you see? I know what it feels like to be kicked out of your home, and I won't do it to you. Owl me at Jay's."

"Sirius, don't you dare--"

Sirius sprinted suddenly towards Remus and captured him in a kiss. "I love you, Moony. Enjoy your family."

He turned back towards the road, and Remus blinked away the burning in his eyes as he watched the large black dog pound out of sight. "You're my family, fuckwit," Remus screamed into the night. "I hate you, Sirius Black. I hate you!"


	18. How Strange, The Form of Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In school, the Remus and Sirius perform a complicated spell to marry their thoughts in a subtle but intricate union. Fluffy beginning, epic-length, angsty ending. It sticks somewhat close to canon throughout.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
**Current location:** |  [St. Paul, MN](http://maps.google.com/maps?q=St.+Paul,+MN)  
---|---  
**Current mood:** |   
giddy  
**Entry tags:** |   
[!fandom: harry potter](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/%21fandom:+harry+potter), [chaptered: how strange](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/chaptered:+how+strange), [character: remus lupin](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/character:+remus+lupin), [character: sirius black](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/character:+sirius+black), [length: 2000+ words](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/length:+2000%2B+words), [pairing: remus/sirius](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/pairing:+remus/sirius)  
  
  
_**How Strange, The Form of Fear: Chapter 17 [Harry Potter]**_  
**Fandom:** Harry Potter  
**Title: **How Strange, The Form of Fear  
**Chapter:** 17: Puppy Love  
**Summary: **In school, the Remus and Sirius perform a complicated spell to marry their thoughts in a subtle but intricate union. Fluffy beginning, epic-length, angsty ending. It sticks somewhat close to canon throughout.  
**This Chapter:** Full moon, fluff, and very minor hurt/comfort and mentions of bestiality. Mostly entirely FLUFF with an extra coating of warm and fluffy blankets and a romp in the water dish.  
**Characters/Pairings: **Remus/Sirius, eventual James/Lily  
**Rating/Warnings: **NC-17, bestiality  
**Word Count:** 2132

Chapter 17: Puppy Love

Remus sat on the cold packed dirt of his personal, private hell. No one came down here except for him. His mother would cry if she even came close to the bunker, and his father simply managed to avoid it. Remus kept this place of pain as clean as possible, free of dust and spiders, free of blood and fur. Every full moon, Remus brought out a plastic basin of water, stowed old torn blankets and pillows inside, and then climbed down into the bunker and locked it from the inside. As a child, he'd needed a ladder to get in and out, but these days he was tall and muscular enough to drop in of his own accord. His father still came sometime late the next day and left a clean robe. Remus would somehow make his way out through the fresh pain. That was the worst: pulling himself out, scrabbling at the iron door and the dry earth and trying to force his muscles to do his bidding. Sometimes he lost a whole second or even third day waiting to summon the strength or courage. But his parents never came, never helped. Remus didn't mind. He didn't want their help. He didn't need them.

He needed Sirius. He did. It wasn't for now, for the night he wouldn't even remember, but for the morning, for the pain. Still, he'd done this many times without Sirius. He could do it again.

The 'bunker' was really an earthen cellar about a hundred feet from the house, with iron doors on the ground. He'd shown Sirius it on one of their first exploration runs, but he hadn't said what it was at the time. He'd only called it a storm cellar. Sirius had wanted to go inside, and he'd bugged Remus about how Remus could move out here, get away from his parents. Sirius didn't understand the things this place meant to Remus. There was no way for him to. Remus had refused to open it, refused to let Sirius in, and that had been that. But he could easily remember the way Sirius had banged on the door with his foot, watching the rusted iron flake away.

Maybe the sound was so easy to imagine because he was hearing it right now. The banging stopped for a moment, and then continued. Remus worried over the time he had until moonrise, then leaned towards the iron door in the roof of the bunker. "Dad?" he called.

"Why, are you expecting him?" Sirius called back.

"Sirius!" Remus gasped and fumbled for the lock. His wand was in the house where it should be, and his suddenly shaking hands wouldn't cooperate. "Fuck it," he whispered.

"You aren't, are you?" Sirius sounded worried. His voice was so distant through the metal. Remus hated hearing it that way.

"I'm not what?" He almost had the lock open, now. He was stretched onto his tip-toes to reach it, and the muscles of his legs were protesting loudly.

"Expecting your--" The door swung open and Sirius had to roll aside to keep from being struck and probably knocked unconscious.

"No, you daft sod. Get in here! It's nearly moonrise. I wasn't expecting _anyone_."

"I made a vow--" Sirius started.

"Don't you go the fuck on to me about any vows we both know you didn't make."

"Well," Sirius hopped down into the hole with athleticism and grace that Remus couldn't help but admire. Sirius was wearing the same muggle T-shirt he'd worn the day before, and it gave Remus a good opportunity to see Sirius' biceps and forearms. Merlin, how did one day without getting any make Remus so horny? "I'm making a vow now," Sirius said earnestly, as Remus reached back onto his tip-toes to re-lock the door.

"You are?" Remus sounded skeptical.

"Yeah, I am. I got halfway to Leeds before I remembered what you said about the morning after. I couldn't imagine how I'd feel in the morning knowing you were in pain because my pride can't take it here."

"Your pride. What was all that about my parents being good and not wanting to break up my family, then?"

Sirius shrugged. "My pride's smarter than me sometimes."

"I don't want to know--" but Remus was cut off in mid-sentence as a tremor traveled up his calves. His train of thought was lost entirely, and he went right back to sitting in his corner, in the exact position he'd been in when Sirius had come, waiting on the moon. Soon, as chills turned to real tremors all over his body and his bones began to break and grow, Remus had his two arms-- while they were arms, anyway-- wrapped around the whining form of a large black dog. It didn't ease the pain now, not one bit, but everything was always easier to live through when you're not alone.

*****

Sirius shivered and pulled the prone, still-sleeping form of Remus closer. The blankets they had down here were barely tatters, but their shelter slowly began to warm. Sirius imagined it was the Sun heating the iron doors that locked them in the underground cellar. There was a basin of water-- had been, anyway. No matter how much their shelter warmed, Sirius was still shivering, his clothing damp in all the places where it had not been exposed to air, his hair still wet and hanging in curls as it had a tendency to do. He remembered every detail of the night before, of course, and he wasn't sure why, at any point, he'd thought flopping into their water dish was a brilliant idea.

"Why're you _wet_?" Remus was awake.

"Uh... dunno," Sirius lied.

"You know I can tell when you're lying, right?"

Sirius sat up. "Guess I thought I fancied a swim."

Remus laughed and then groaned, presumably from pain. "Was it alright last night? I mean, in this tiny space, did we do alright?"

"Oh yeah." Sirius shook his head to try and dry it and, realizing that this method didn't work as well on human hair, began running his fingers through it. "You didn't want to play as much as usual. I don't think-- scratch that, I _know_ you don't like feeling so... trapped, you know? Can't say I blame you. But I managed to make myself amusing at any rate."

"Don't tell me you jumped into the water bowl because I was bored."

"No, more like, because _I_ was bored. I get stupid when I'm bored, surely you must know that."

"Don't remind me." Remus opened his eyes and blinked up at Sirius.

"You, on the other hand, become so damn ornery and serious when you're bored. To tell the truth, you mostly sat in your corner and growled at me."

"I didn't."

Sirius shrugged. "I don't mind. There are plenty of days where you do that as a man too, mate."

"There are not!"

Sirius laughed. "Whatever you say."

"Well, I'm sorry."

"No need to apologize. I did get a good shag out of it," Sirius smiled to himself.

"You-- What are you-- You're lying."

"Ah, but surely you know I'm not."

"Sirius! Why would you let something like that happen?"

"Relax, Moony. It wasn't what it sounded like, though I sure let myself enjoy it like it was," he turned to wink at Remus. "Nah, I tried to get you out of your corner, so you reminded me who was boss here. I had it coming, really."

"I did.. What did I _do_, exactly?"

"It's... it's what dogs-- wolves-- whatever-- it's what we _do_. I ought to have expected it. I understand dog behavior well enough by now. I took it like a man," he winked again.

Remus stared up at him, expression frozen in horror.

"Look, you know how you always see dogs humping and shite? It's just to say who's boss. It's not different to... like, showing your teeth when you growl. It's natural, you know? Not sexual, Moony. Not for you, anyway. For me... Well, it's not as if I'm a dog, is it? Being humped by my boyfriend is always going to be sexual." Sirius grinned mischievously.

Remus seemed to decide against being horrified, though Sirius would feel that Remus was far from accepting this turn of events. Remus just didn't have the strength to argue, so he settled back down into the canine-shaped nest of torn blankets.

"You want to go back in?" Sirius asked.

"Can't, my parents would kill you."

"I don't care about them, I'm asking _you_ if _you_ would like to go back inside, to _your_ bed. I'll make you a spot of tea, bring you a book, maybe even read it to you if you're real nice to me."

"Yeah. Yeah, a bed sounds lovely, Pads."

"Right. Don't move, I'll just hover you there, and if I run into your parents-- well, I don't think they'd go and hex me while I've got you in a hover charm, would they?"

"Dunno, my dad was awful angry."

Sirius laughed. "Then we'll fight our way out."

"I'm starkers and hurt and I haven't got my wand."

"Yeah, it'll be brilliant. Imagine James when he hears about how we fought our way out starkers and wand-less."

"Sirius, you have clothes _and_ a wand."

"Well, I'd ditch them before fighting, see. Wouldn't want to ruin the story."

Remus laughed and sat up gently, leaning heavily on Sirius. "I think I can walk if you'll help me."

"Yeah, alright." Sirius kissed Remus' temple.

"Sirius?"

"Yeah?"

"If you storm out again I'm coming along, got it?"

"You made it plenty clear last night that you are the boss," Sirius laughed. "Your wish is my command."

*****

As it turned out, Remus' dad was out, but his mom was in the kitchen when Sirius came in the back way with an arm around Remus'-- who wasn't even the slightest bit naked, as his dad had left a robe above-ground for him, just like he always did. Mrs. Lupin gasped and tried to take Remus from Sirius, but Remus smiled at his mum. "I'm fine, really. Sirius is just bringing me up to bed. Wouldn't mind that spot of tea, though."

"Don't worry about it, Mrs. Lupin. I promised it and I'll get it," Sirius said without even looking at her.

"Pad--"

"I've got it, Remus." Remus had to admit that Sirius suddenly sounded much older than his years.

However, by the time Sirius was tucking Remus into bed, a harried and pale Mrs. Lupin was behind them holding a tray with a teapot and two cups, some biscuits, and several books.

"Thank you," Sirius whispered.

"Does he-- Remus, do you need any bandages or anything?"

Remus laughed as he fluffed his pillow and settled under the warm covers. "No, mum. I'm fine. I told you, I don't hurt myself when Sirius is there."

"Oh. Alright. Sirius, you?"

Sirius barked out a laugh. "No, ma'am. Other than an ill-advised romp in the water-dish, I'm no worse for wear."

Mrs. Lupin stared wide-eyed at Sirius, likely noticing his wet hair and clothes for the first time.

"Don't let him bother you, mum. Sirius is a moron."

"Don't tell your mum I'm a moron," Sirius hissed.

"Well, you are."

"I know that, but it's rude for you to say so to your _mum_."

Remus laughed tiredly. "It's obvious, though, isn't it? Who decides to take a roll in the water dish in the middle of the night? Not even dogs do that, Pads. Congrats, you are stupider than a dog."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "You try sitting in a tiny room while your boyfriend spends all night growling at you and see if you don't try to put your head underwater to escape!" Sirius was in an exceptionally good humor, and Remus smiled.

"I haven't got to. My boyfriend is Sirius Black and he doesn't bloody stop growling at me so I've gotten used to blocking it out."

Sirius punched him on the arm, lightly enough that it didn't hurt. "Git. Your wolf nags more than Evans."

"Better watch out James doesn't try to steal me, then." Remus wiggled his eyebrows and Sirius huffed.

"Um," Mrs. Lupin's tiny voice reminded the boys that she was in the room. "I'll just leave you two alone, then."

"Thanks, mum," Remus whispered. He'd forgotten his mum was standing there. Any mention of the wolf or werewolves usually upset his mum, but she had seemed... strangely fine.

"I'm glad you're not hurt, love," Mrs. Lupin whispered as she turned to go.

"Me too," Sirius sighed into Remus' hair. "After all, you nearly sprained something humping me."

"Ohhhhhhh, fucker," Remus tossed a pillow at Sirius and fell asleep to Sirius' muffled giggles: the only lullaby he fancied he would ever need again.


	19. How Strange, The Form of Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In school, Remus and Sirius perform a complicated spell to marry their thoughts in a subtle but intricate union. Fluffy beginning, epic-length, angsty ending. It sticks somewhat close to canon throughout.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
**Current location:** |  [St. Paul, MN](http://maps.google.com/maps?q=St.+Paul,+MN)  
---|---  
**Current mood:** |   
jubilant  
**Entry tags:** |   
[!fandom: harry potter](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/%21fandom:+harry+potter), [chaptered: how strange](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/chaptered:+how+strange), [character: remus lupin](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/character:+remus+lupin), [character: sirius black](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/character:+sirius+black), [length: 2000+ words](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/length:+2000%2B+words), [pairing: remus/sirius](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/pairing:+remus/sirius)  
  
  
_**How Strange, The Form of Fear: Chapter 18 [Harry Potter]**_  
**Fandom:** Harry Potter  
**Title: **How Strange, The Form of Fear  
**Chapter:** 18: The First of Secret-Keeping  
**Summary: **In school, Remus and Sirius perform a complicated spell to marry their thoughts in a subtle but intricate union. Fluffy beginning, epic-length, angsty ending. It sticks somewhat close to canon throughout.  
**This Chapter:** Pure summertime fluff. Its a short chapter, but shoving it with the beginning of the fall term didn't make much sense, and one tiny event (see title) does have some importance in the greater plot  
**Characters/Pairings: **Remus/Sirius, eventual James/Lily  
**Rating/Warnings: **NC-17  
**Word Count:** 1388

Chapter 18: The First of Secret-Keeping

Everything changed after that full. Mr. Lupin kept his mouth shut. Mrs. Lupin indulged the boys whenever possible, bursting into the backyard with lemonade, or into the parlor with a tray of freshly-baked cookies. She sat to hear some of Sirius' stories: about his family, himself, the Potters. Sirius told many stories about Remus from school, stories that Remus would prefer his parents not know, such as the various ways they'd just barely avoided getting into trouble, prank after prank after prank. If anything, Mrs. Lupin's smiles seemed to grow with the telling of these tales. Remus guessed that the stories made him seem so _normal_ to his mum. The Lupins might be the only parents excited to get called to school for a disciplinary conference with the headmaster.

Sirius and James exchanged owls regularly throughout the summer, and Sirius chattered on to Remus about James' summer fling with a bird named Chelsea, and how he was finally getting some without Sirius around to cramp his style. The two boys found a less muddy pond and swam naked, Remus blushing and hardening at the way Sirius' eyes seemed to return to Remus' groin whenever Remus got out of the water.

"Stop it," Remus laughed, barely half serious.

Sirius chuckled. "I can't help it! That scar pulls your bollocks out like 'look at meee, look at meee!' and I'm supposed to ignore that?'" Remus laughed and thrust into Sirius' face, mocking him by whinging, "Look at me, Sirius, look at me."

He got sucked off on the lake shore for his efforts.

Later that afternoon, tired and tanned, the two boys were slung into bean bags in the corner of Remus' room. A detritus of muggle magazines surrounded them. Sirius had bought the lot of them, with Potter money of course, at the local store. Local was a misnomer; it was eight miles off, but not out of hand for a full day's walk, especially if half of the walk was taken by broom and therefore not a walk at all. They were mostly music magazines, some pop culture, a couple with hot, lean female models that Sirius drooled over.

"I thought you were bent?" Remus laughed.

"Maybe if I had her I wouldn't be." Sirius flicked a finger at one large-eyed lass.

"That's... not a comforting thought to you boyfriend."

"Yeah? My _boyfriend_ can go get bent."

"Um... right." Remus sighed and picked up a nearby magazine with David Bowie on the cover. This, he could drool to. "Did you know Bowie's dad is from Yorkshire?"

"Yeah? Is that this area's claim to fame? 'We've got puddings and Bowie's dad, come visit!'" Sirius laughed and turned his model on the side to hold her up and stare some more. "This bird's got no tits."

"Maybe that's why you find her hot."

"Think it might be that she's holding a muggle guitar."

"Hmm," Remus answered.

Sirius chucked the magazine down and squinted across at Remus. There was a long, tense moment. Remus kept his head down.

Sirius finally cleared his throat to break the silence. "What?"

"Nothing. Just thinking about David Bowie."

"No, no, this isn't about David Bowie or the titless wonder woman over here. You're _lying_ to me."

"Not lying."

"Yes, You--"

"Just, concealing."

"Well, come on, out with it. That's an odd sensation, the secret-keeping."

"Yeah," Remus nodded. "A little nauseating."

Sirius didn't ask when he'd ever kept a secret from Remus. Instead he kicked Remus with his bare foot. "Come on, what is it?"

"Did you know I've got a muggle guitar?"

"You don't."

"Well, and actually, I can play it, too."

"You can't."

"I can."

Sirius' mouth dropped open. "Moony! You. Are. Brilliant! I knew there was some reason I fell in love with you."

Remus smiled shyly and walked on his knees to his closet. Under a few heaps of clothes that no longer fit his lanky frame, Remus found his old hand-me-down acoustic he'd got from his mother's father. He settled back into a beanbag and tuned. Sirius watched him, wide-eyed, and Remus was bemused at being the object of this beautiful, perfect creature's adoration and complete attention.

He strummed, ignoring the fret buzz, and took up an old tune,

_There was a man, oooh,  
An ocean-going man, oooh.  
He left his wife alone in sunny Spain  
He sailed the seas, oooh,  
Sailed the leaps and lees, oooh,  
But when he's lost he knows  
He'll not see her again._

Remus looked up to see Sirius smiling cheekily at him. "That the best you can do?" Sirius asked.

"I don't know many songs," Remus shrugged apologetically. He expected this confession would be taken by Sirius as an invitation to caterwaul his arse off, singing or making up dirty lyrics as he could think of them. That would be the very Sirius thing to do.

Instead, Sirius flung his head back and slipped further down into the bean bag. "'S alright, love. You've got a good voice. Sing us something else."

Remus sang another muggle folk song. Then he sang another. He sang until his throat was sore before he sighed and un-slung the guitar from his shoulder. Sirius' peacefulness was contagious. He tilted his face up to Sirius as a question occurred to him. "Why do you love muggle music so much anyway, Sirius? You were raised with wizarding music."

"Maybe that's why," Sirius shrugged. "But no, it's like... wizarding music... We've got that one group, The Cavalcade of Corinne, and a couple of the younger birds like Miranda Aurorus--"

"Ugh. She cannot sing."

"I know, that's what I'm saying. Celestina Warbeck, Miranda Aurorus, Pixie Pet-- they all have the same bottled sound. The young girls may go mad for that, but I'm not stupid and just 'cause Pet can dance doesn't mean her songs are any good. The Cavalcade-- I don't know why all our mates like 'em. I mean, James thinks they're the best thing since bread and butter, but their last three albums have been basically the exact same album. Maybe their first album was good, but they can't seem to do anything new. One-trick ponies, the Cavalcade."

"Lily really likes Miranda Aurorus," Remus added, "though she agrees that they're all rubbish compared to muggle music."

"What do you think?" Sirius asked.

Remus shrugged. "You know I listen to muggle music, but mostly the older stuff, stuff my mum has."

"Stuff like you were just singing," Sirius nodded.

They both sat quietly for a moment before Remus ventured the question. "So really, though, Pads, why do you think muggle music is so much better than wizarding music?"

Sirius shrugged. "Isn't it obvious? 'Cause they don't have magic, of course."

"Why--"

"Look. We wizards sometimes have it all so easy. Muggles can't even clean up from dinner without having to break a sweat. I mean, look at your mum, and how much housework she does that your dad could do with a flick and swish."

"My mum enjoys the housework."

Sirius laughed rudely. "Sure, she _says_ it clears her mind. But have you noticed that she sings to herself when she does it?"

"She's always done--"

"Does your dad sing to himself when he casts spells, Remus?"

"No, that would be--"

"Mental, yeah. Muggles have more need to distract themselves. They have more pain. They have worse medicines. If they break their bones they have to wait _weeks_ for them to heal. _Of course_ they better have damn good music. It's muggle magic. All this nonsense my family says about ruling over muggles to ease them from their burdens... They want to kill muggle magic, and I bet you anything it's because they feel threatened by it. You should see Walburga around Tchaikovsky. If she could hex him into oblivion, she would. He may have been a muggle, but the magic that he did hundreds of years ago will always outlive anything she can do with her life. Muggle magic is like that: it takes all that hard work and doesn't seem like magic at all, but then like any well-built spell, it can last forever."

Remus sat staring at Sirius.

"What?" Sirius blinked.

"Did you know that people think you're shallow and stupid?"

"Can't be true, can it? Would Remus Lupin date someone shallow and stupid?"

"He might," Remus smiled.

"Hey--"

"But not marry."

"No?"

"Most definitely not."


	20. How Strange, The Form of Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In school, Remus and Sirius perform a complicated spell to marry their thoughts in a subtle but intricate union. Fluffy beginning, epic-length, angsty ending. It sticks somewhat close to canon throughout.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
**Current location:** |  [St. Paul, MN](http://maps.google.com/maps?q=St.+Paul,+MN)  
---|---  
**Current music:** | PotC  
**Entry tags:** |   
[!fandom: harry potter](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/%21fandom:+harry+potter), [chaptered: how strange](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/chaptered:+how+strange), [character: james potter](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/character:+james+potter), [character: lily evans](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/character:+lily+evans), [character: peter pettigrew](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/character:+peter+pettigrew), [character: remus lupin](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/character:+remus+lupin), [character: sirius black](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/character:+sirius+black), [length: 2000+ words](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/length:+2000%2B+words), [pairing: lily/james](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/pairing:+lily/james), [pairing: remus/sirius](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/pairing:+remus/sirius)  
  
  
_**How Strange, The Form of Fear: Chapter 19 [Harry Potter]**_  
**Fandom:** Harry Potter  
**Title: **How Strange, The Form of Fear  
**Chapter:** 19: Quarantine  
**Summary: **In school, Remus and Sirius perform a complicated spell to marry their thoughts in a subtle but intricate union. Fluffy beginning, epic-length, angsty ending. It sticks somewhat close to canon throughout.  
**This Chapter:** Tragedy befalls the wizarding world, and it doesn't spare the Marauders, as Sirius comes down with a frightening illness and Remus has to worry about the Full Moon. Also, what was that James just said to Lily? He didn't really-- did he?  
**Characters/Pairings: **Remus/Sirius, James/Lily  
**Rating/Warnings: **PG  
**Word Count:** 2408

Chapter 19: Quarantine

Autumn came much too suddenly into the idyllic world of Remus and Sirius, but they did have much to look forward to this school year. They met the Potters at the Hogwarts Express, and Mrs. Potter almost caused them all to miss the train as she fussed over Sirius and foisted bags of new clothes off onto him. Sirius and James both barely had a chance to hug Bess and Lionel goodbye before they were once again on the Hogwarts Express headed north, kicking first-years out of their compartment and preparing for a brand new year. Sixth year had no O.W.L.s, and they would get to choose their classes. It was going to be perfect. Or so they thought.

For a while, things _were_ perfect-- or very nearly so. They had no trouble from anyone. Their grades were high and their spirits even higher. Gryffindor Quidditch was on a streak, though so was the Slytherin house team. It was clear that Slytherin and Gryffindor might be playing for the Quidditch Cup again, but that concern was still distant. Fall Hogsmeade came and went with the Marauders spending most of it in the castle, drunk off their arses and not participating in a thing. It was their best Hogsmeade yet.

Come winter, though, their happy world came crashing down. Tragedy hit the wizarding world, and it did not spare the Hogwarts students. It seemed to strike the Marauders with special viciousness. Remus would later wonder if every great joy in life must be balanced by an equally great tragedy, in some prophetic philosophical perversion of the Muggle Isaac Newton's Third Law of forces. If so, he would have traded that peerless autumn to prevent the events of the winter of sixth year.

It was a disease. Epidemic was spreading in the wizarding world in the form of VOLTO, which was a complicated acronym for something even Remus couldn't remember: Viral Ornothological Lyntel... something something. The healers called it VOLTO, and said it came from Asia. The wizarding public called it the Bird Flu. Decades later, muggles would also have a "bird flu", but theirs would not cause the victim to sprout feathers. Like most wizarding viruses, this one swept with particular violence through the pure bloods, and the more pure blooded you were, the more susceptible you were to infection.

When the illness was still a blip on the London wireless, two Slytherin students--brothers-- who had traveled abroad over summer, landed in the Hospital Wing with rather suspicious and unusual symptoms, including feathers. As soon as the cause of their infliction was discovered, the two boys were rapidly moved to a special wing of the castle, sealed off from the rest of the student population. Dumbledore had spelled the seal himself so that only a muggle-born tutor could pass through the barrier, in order to help the sick duo keep up with their studies. For a week, these two Slytherins remained the disease's only victims at Hogwarts, and to the rational mind, Hogwarts might have seemed spared.

Paranoia had already set in by that time, though. The illness traveled through the air, or on surfaces that sick individuals had touched. James was caught more than once staring at a doorknob previously touched by a Slytherin in sheer disgust-- not this this reaction was entirely new. Panic only grew when, the following week, another Slytherin student came down ill and was moved into the sealed wing. And then there was a fourth. These last two were roommates of the elder brother, and the house elves worked harder than usual to scrub the castle clean on that account.

Still, the disease stayed relatively distant from the Marauders. Most Gryffindor students had at least some prominent muggle blood, and that kept the illness from spreading through Godric's house as it had through Salazar's. In their crueler moments, students in Gryffindor Tower could be heard expressing delight that Slytherin might have to forfeit on the Quidditch pitch due to illnesses.

Everything changed for the House of Gryffindor, and for the Marauders, the morning that Sirius Black failed to get out of bed. His roommates went down to breakfast without him, and only when Remus checked on him after breakfast to find that he was pale, sweaty, and barely conscious did true panic set in. Sirius Black, being a Black from the long and inbred line of Blacks, was the first student outside of Slytherin House come down sick. Remus didn't even levitate him, but rather immediately carried him as one might carry a child down to the sealed ward. Sirius was entirely unconscious and unable to receive the well-wishing of his friends even had it been allowed. It wasn't. He was rushed through the barrier, and the only attention Remus was given was to be disinfected by Madam Pomfrey's wand before he was instructed to take a shower, just in case.

Somehow, James Potter managed to evade the wave of illness, despite being of largely pureblood decent and having the bed right next to Sirius Black's. The house elves cleaned their dorm room so well that Padfoot probably could not have picked up their scent there. Not that they could inquire. There was no more Padfoot. His bedclothes had disappeared along with his dirty laundry. His trunk was taken to the sealed wing. This was the event that defined the first horror of Remus Lupin's winter: quarantine. No contact. Nothing. Sirius was simply there one day and gone the next.

Other than rumors from the two muggle-born tutors, there was no Sirius in the Marauders' world any more. He was, instead, locked away in a tower like some princess in a medieval tale. His absence spread like its own form of plague over the healthy remnants of his group of friends. It hit Remus especially heavily. He was haunted by the sallow and feverish expression he had last seen on Sirius' still-summer-tanned face. He could not imagine energy or life coming back into those features again, but neither could he imagine that they wouldn't. He kept his fears almost entirely to himself for a week, when the news hit over the Marauders' illegal wireless that there had been the first death in Great Britain from VOLTO. A young woman, twenty eight years old and in average health, had died while receiving the very best of medical care within the halls of St. Mungo's. The wireless announcer commented soberly that the wizarding community could take this as a sign that there would be more deaths to come. "Merlin watch over the oldest families," the man whispered reverently, "as this will surely hit them hardest."

Neither James nor Peter followed, thankfully, when Remus left the room, slamming the heavy wooden door behind him.

*****

Remus Lupin spent the first three weeks of Sirius' quarantine alternately pacing outside of the isolation ward and failing his classes. Initially, he begged tutors for some word when they left, but soon they got tired of his nagging and took to avoiding him or outright scowling at him. James and Peter would join Remus occasionally, and even though none of them would ever be let in, they kept vigils in the hallway outside the isolation ward. It became their new favorite location for doing homework, as any tutor with news of Sirius had to pass right by them. More than once, professors lectured them for taking unnecessary risk in being so near to the seal, but no one had the heart to punish them or send them away. Besides which, everyone in the school knew the seal would hold; Dumbledore himself had made it so that only muggle-borns could pass through, and Dumbledore would not have made it a shoddy spell, especially if the welfare of students was involved.

Remus did his best to pass notes in, and occasionally got notes back. All he could discern was that Sirius was quite as ill as he was rumored to be, since he didn't even have the energy to write back. The letters became less frequent just as the Moon waxed, and Remus' vigil became more frantic as a result.

That was when Lily Evans went out for tutor. She was accepted at once, and Remus tracked her down as soon as he found out-- quite literally. His hair was still wet from his shower, and he found himself standing in the Great Hall without shoes or socks.

"Lily," he panted at her breathlessly before she'd even had the chance to sit down to breakfast, "you've got to do me a favour."

"No."

"Wh-- Well I haven't told you what it is yet."

"I'm not sneaking you into the sick ward, Remus. I couldn't if I wanted to, you know that. But I wouldn't anyway." She sat and scooped oatmeal for herself.

"No, I'm-- I've got a problem."

"Is this about your rabbit again?"

Remus blinked at her. Yes, it sort of was. He hadn't been through a transition without Sirius in so long now that he'd forgotten how. The Full Moon was in two days, and he was slightly terrified. Remus knew Sirius, he knew that Sirius was terrified as well, and he knew that half his own terror was really Sirius' terror anyway.

"Look, the patients are being looked after." Her green eyes glinted up at him, and though her voice was firm, her expression conveyed sympathy.

Remus' shoulders dropped. "Yes. I know. I'm sorry."

"Don't be. We'll look after him. I'd be worried too if he were-- if it were my, well, you know."

"Yeah." Remus felt himself deflate. Truly, there was no hope. He, Pete, and James had already gone over every idea they could think of for breaking into the isolation ward, but Dumbledore's spells were nothing if not thorough. Remus had, in the second desperate week, rushed the barrier, only to find himself thrown across the hallway quite violently. He'd been told Sirius woke that evening asking if he was alright. Remus was not entirely surprised. For now, Remus let Lily be and tried not to worry about it any more, as there was simply nothing he could do.

*****

James cried out and stumbled backwards into Peter when the red-haired figure flew up the last stairs towards the boys' dormitories and into James' chest. Rather belatedly, James crammed the invisibility cloak into his pocket. He stared, dumbfounded, down at Evans.

She, in turn, stared right back up at him. "You! What are you doing out of bed in the middle of the night?"

James' lips stuck together, and Pete came to his rescue: "It's not against the rules to be in the common room now, is it?"

Lily made a noise in her throat not unlike a growl. "Maybe if you were someone else, but you're _you_, and I know something's up. What is it? Tell me, and I won't tell Dumbledore."

James' heart was thumping quickly now. "Dumbledore knows."

Lily blanched. "Does this have something to do with Dumbledore? He's in the sick wing--"

"Sirius?" Peter stammered, pushing past James. "Prongs, time!"

"I know," James hissed at Pete. "Look, Evans, I'd love to chat, really. You know I would. But right now we have very pressing business." James slipped past her and vaulted down the stairs after Pete. They ran through the portrait hole without even considering the fact that they were both visible to whoever might be passing. In the hallway they could hear it loud and clear-- the pained screeching of a werewolf's calls.

"Fuck, fuck, _fuck_," muttered James.

Peter was already running down the stairs towards the Main Entrance. James had started to follow Pete when Lily's voice came from right behind him. "Fine. I'll come with you, then."

James stopped, frozen on the spot. Peter stumbled to a stop and stared back up the stairs. James felt the blood rush out of his head, felt himself grow dizzy. They'd done this all before, hadn't they? It felt like a nightmare on replay, only instead of Snivellus--

James stepped towards Evans and answered her in an angry tone that allowed no argument, "So help me, Evans, but if you follow us, you'll wish you had a Hungarian Horntail to keep you cozy tonight instead, because this is _not_ a joke, and this is _not_ a prank, and it's _no place_ for you to be."

"Why? Because I'm a girl?"

"No," James answered, patience highly stressed.

Evans stepped closer to him. "Because I'm a mudblood, then? You're secretly just like all the rest of--"

"Because," James interrupted, "you have got no clue _how the fuck_," he couldn't even be buggered to care when he saw his own spittle fly at her, "to protect yourself from a full-grown werewolf in a fuck-lot of pain because his boyfriend," James pointed towards the isolation ward, "is locked inside and deadly sick and not with him the one fucking day out of the month that he needs him. I've seen it, yeah. I've seen Remus _begging_ you for ways into the isolation ward. You think we didn't try? Me and Pete and Remus? We tried everything we could. Dumbledore didn't leave us any loopholes, and no doubt he knew we'd be looking for some. So if you want to help, you can get the fuck back up to your little hospital job and help _Sirius_, because if you think you're going to help Remus, you're only going to get yourself killed. And that's if you're lucky."

James stared into Evans' sharp green eyes for long moments as he watched realizations flicker through them. He wasn't worried. He didn't care. He knew that Evans wouldn't follow, that Evans wouldn't betray Remus. He wasn't sure how he knew all of it, but he felt, after years of admiring her from afar, he just might know a little bit about her. He was about to feel awful for yelling at her, 'cause there was water gathering in her eyes as her gaze held his, but the air was split at that moment by another castle-reverberating scream of wolfish pain. This time a weak human cry answered from the floor above-- the direction of the isolation ward.

"Wh-- What--" Evans stammered.

But if Evans said anything more, James didn't know. He was worried about Remus' condition in the morning, as well as the way it would be compounded upon by Sirius' poor health. He was dragging Peter at a full run down the stairs, and feeling only relief at knowing that Evans was not following anymore.


	21. How Strange, The Form of Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In school, Remus and Sirius perform a complicated spell to marry their thoughts in a subtle but intricate union. Fluffy beginning, epic-length, angsty ending. It sticks somewhat close to canon throughout.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
**Current location:** |  [St. Paul, MN](http://maps.google.com/maps?q=St.+Paul,+MN)  
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**Entry tags:** |   
[!fandom: harry potter](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/%21fandom:+harry+potter), [chaptered: how strange](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/chaptered:+how+strange), [character: james potter](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/character:+james+potter), [character: lily evans](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/character:+lily+evans), [character: peter pettigrew](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/character:+peter+pettigrew), [character: remus lupin](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/character:+remus+lupin), [character: sirius black](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/character:+sirius+black), [length: 2000+ words](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/length:+2000%2B+words), [pairing: lily/james](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/pairing:+lily/james), [pairing: remus/sirius](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/pairing:+remus/sirius)  
  
  
_**How Strange, The Form of Fear: Chapter 20 [Harry Potter]**_  
**Fandom:** Harry Potter  
**Title: **How Strange, The Form of Fear  
**Chapter:** 20: The Long Night of the Moon  
**Summary: **In school, Remus and Sirius perform a complicated spell to marry their thoughts in a subtle but intricate union. Fluffy beginning, epic-length, angsty ending. It sticks somewhat close to canon throughout.  
**This Chapter:** Lily's point of view-- she cares for Sirius even though she doesn't care for Sirius.  
**Characters/Pairings: **Remus/Sirius, James/Lily  
**Rating/Warnings: **PG, character illness  
**Word Count:** 2104

Chapter 20: The Long Night of the Moon

Lily stood in the hallway of the isolation ward. Tears flowed down her cheeks in warm rivulets. She was quiet, trying to not be seen, to utterly disappear as she kept the statue of Wildegrumblefoot the Wise between herself and Sirius' private room. She'd wondered why Sirius got a private room. A part of her had said it was for the protection of whomever he might share a room with and hex as a result. The more rational part had believed it was because he truly was that ill. He hadn't been up for much tutoring recently, but he simply slept through the days. When he was up for tutoring, he was not his usual sarcastic self at all. Maybe he was missing--

_Remus_. Remus was a werewolf? How could that be? Still, bits of information started to fall into place and she felt she should have known this before now. Hadn't Sev hinted at just exactly this multiple times? But he'd also hinted at Sirius being a Grim and Peter secretly connecting with Death Eaters. Sev had such an active imagination that it was hard to know which of his tales might be true. It didn't matter any more now, though, did it? She'd lost Severus, and she'd never really _had_ Remus, not if she didn't know something this important about him.

His friends had called him Moony-- for how long now? Forever, it seemed like. And the whole deal with Sev and Sirius in the forest-- what had happened? Sev had said he was planning to follow the Gryffindor boys. _Had_ he followed them? And to keep the school's attention from-- Lily gasped as she realized the meaning of Remus' "furry little problem"-- to distract the student body, Sirius had taken the fall for _months_. He'd withstood glares and comments. Lily herself had called him some vile things, thinking he had tried to get Sev killed, tried to set up Remus, did it all on purpose. A fresh gush of tears spilled over onto her cheeks, and she couldn't quite stifle the accompanying sob. For several weeks now, Sirius had been lying here alone. Plenty of sick students came in to visit him, and his health was worse off than most of theirs, but no one who knew him, no one who really trusted-- not just admired, but trusted-- him, had been to see him. And Lily... well, she'd been a bit of a fuckwit to him, truth be told.

Professor McGonagall came and stood outside Sirius' room just then. Her expression was strangely blank, and she took several deep breaths. When the moans started again, she rubbed her forehead and turned to go back into the room.

Lily must have been leaning out from behind the statue too far, because McGonagall clearly spotted her and stopped on the spot. After a moment's odd indecision, the older witch cocked her head and called out.

"Miss Evans, I shall refrain from asking you why you are out of bed after hours for just this once, as I think you can be of some help to me. Come here."

Lily ducked out of her hiding place and wiped the tears from her face. Her eyes still felt raw and her nose felt stuffy and runny at once. She wanted to fall asleep, but right now she knew she was going to stay up and help Sirius Black. Certainly she wasn't doing it because James Potter had given her the order, but because he needed help. Professor McGonagall needed help. She would have helped long ago if anyone had asked her, but she could see now why no one could.

Professor McGonagall's expression shifted from preoccupation to concern when the light hit Lily's face as she neared her professor down the corridor.

"My dear Miss Evans, whatever are you crying for? If you're feeling ill, you should go to bed--"

"No, no, professor. I just... I just ran into..." she swallowed hard to keep from sobbing the words out in some great childish manner. "I just saw Potter in the hallway, and he-- he-- he--" It was a great wasted effort, because the tears spilled over again. Crying was so much easier than voicing the things James had said. Once upon a time, maybe she would have asked 'what's so bad about a werewolf?', but she'd been immersed in wizarding culture long enough and heard enough stories from Severus to know what a silly, stupid kind of question that would be. She'd heard the pain herself, heard the blood-rending screams of a wolf. Sirius had heard it too, with his ears, and...

"Oh dear." Professor McGonagall frowned down at her. "How much did he tell you, then?"

"I dunno." After all, if he had kept something, how would she know? "But about Remus, and, and, he said it's where he was headed. I tried to follow, see, and he told me to come here if I wanted to be of help."

"I am going to take so many house points from him personally that Gryffindor will never see positive numbers in this generation."

"Oh no, professor. You don't have to-- I mean, it was my fault. I tried to follow. He was just trying to get me to stop."

"Well, at least it worked," McGonagall sighed. "Are you sincere about wanting to help? I know there's no love lost between yourself and Black."

"Please," Lily pleaded. "Remus is my friend. I'll do anything."

McGonagall hesitated briefly before she opened the door to Sirius' room and pulled Lily inside. Lily was surprised to see that he was dead unconscious. He did seem on the mend-- from the bird flu anyway-- as he'd passed the sprouting feathers stage. His skin was red and raw from where he had done, but now he was onto the more traditional fever and cramps part of the flu. A few jet black feathers still wreathed his head like down, but blended so well into his hair that they were almost invisible. A ring of feathers around his neck gave the comical impression of a feather boa, and Lily smiled. A black feather boa. She would have to remember it and buy him one someday.

"Sirius Black," McGonagall started, "is a registered animagus. That's how he and Potter-- and if I may hazard a guess, Pettigrew-- are able to spend the Full Moons with Mister Lupin. We know from experience, though, that one side effect of their bonding is Black's nearly-autonomic transformation into his animagus form on the Full Moon. He complains that there's some sensation he cannot explain that causes a _need_ to change, such as an itch one must scratch. However, in his current state of illness, it would be extremely unwise for him to attempt an animagus transformation." She peered over her glasses at Lily. Lily felt as if her face was bare of anything but utter shock. If her mouth was hanging open stupidly, she hardly even cared.

"We gave him a dose of Dreamless Sleep to keep him unconscious. It's quite unheard of for an animagus to change while unconscious. However, he has tried several times now. Only by repeatedly administering quite a bit more Dreamless Sleep than is advisable under even dire circumstances have I managed to prevent a transformation. I was just about to chance an emergency floo call to Madam Pomfrey. I hate to wake her, as she'll have a full day tomorrow with Mister Lupin, but I'm afraid it cannot be helped. Could you stay here and watch over Mister Black?"

"Uh, surely it would make more sense if I went for Madam Pomfrey?" Lily hadn't a clue how to keep Sirius from transforming.

"Ordinarily, yes." Professor McGonagall pursed her lips in a tense approximation of a smile. "I'm afraid that of the two endeavors, though... Well. Poppy can be quite... ornery when woken at odd hours. We've learned the hard way that it's best not to leave the task to students. You'll do fine, Miss Evans." With one last awkward-- and really quite worried-- smile at Lily, McGonagall left the room. The door clanged shut behind her, and Lily stared at its bare wooden back for long blank moments before warm, wet tears spilled once again over onto her cheeks and blurred out everything but the flare of candles and a crown of black hair where Sirius Black lay.

*****

That night, they'd decided that any more Dreamless Sleep presented a much higher risk of permanent medical damage than letting a practiced animagus transform, even ill and unconscious. Lily stood quietly by the door as the the Dreamless Sleep started to wear off. It didn't fully lift until mid-morning. Madam Pomfrey had left before moonrise, and Professor McGonagall had left even before then, though not without granting Lily permission to stay and watch out for Sirius if she liked. She assured Lily that she could be woken at any hour if she was needed. And thus Lily watched the boy transform into an enormous dog, and the dog's legs twitch and buck for hours, his barks stifled by a closed mouth, his howls barely at normal voice level. Eventually the running and howling stilled, and all that was left was quiet whimpering. The quiet whimpering faded as the sun rose, to be replaced by what seemed to be a real, comfortable slumber.

At about ten in the morning, the dog blinked up at Lily, who blinked down at it. She moved to pull a few loose-- feathers! she laughed-- from behind its pointed ears, before remembering that this wasn't a big black dog. This was Sirius Black.

With a started yelp, the dog did actually turn into Sirius Black, and Lily found that most of her tenderest feelings for the animal she'd watched suffer all night faded. Black was, after all, glaring at her with great accusation in his eyes. He opened his mouth, and the last of her sympathies nearly shattered when he spoke.

"What the fuck are you doing here, Evans?"

"Well, good morning to you too, Black. I'm so pleased to see you're well. Why no, I didn't mind losing an entire night's sleep to sit here and watch you, not one bit! I've always thought you needed a babysitter, after all. Maybe I was wrong, and you actually need an owner."

"_What_ are you going on about?"

She puffed out air. "Never mind. I'll shove off now you seem to be ok." She got up and grabbed the sweater she'd brought with her and the cup of water Madam Pomfrey had given her.

"Wait! Wait. You're leaving?"

Sirius sat up, and the boa of feathers caught Lily's eye again. She tried not to laugh. "I was under the impression you weren't terribly thrilled to find me here."

"I, um, need to send a message. Get a message. Send and receive a message. With, uh, James."

"I'm not your owl!"

"No, but I can't have my owl in here, can I?"

"Goodbye, Black!" She swung out of the room.

"Wait, Lily! Please, it's important!" Sirius' voice broke on the last word and she stopped.

The door had shut behind her. She stared at it. The boy on the other side was-- urgh, he was so infuriating! He just made her want to bang fists into something. She wanted to go back to her room and get some sleep. She'd already missed a good portion of her classes, and if she slept she'd miss lunch and perhaps her afternoon classes as well. Plus, as a tutor to the sick, she needed to attend the classes to keep up the position. But she wasn't the only student strangely missing from classes today, was she? Remus...

The boy on the other side of this door... Sirius, Lily realized, was posturing. He was trying to seem strong, trying to seem like he didn't need anyone. His family was all like that nasty Regulus. If they saw Sirius' weakness, they'd exploit it and exploit it until they could exploit it no more. Until they saw the end of Sirius Black. And Sirius' most prominent weakness... His great weakness was his fondness for her own friend, her friend laying in the Hospital Wing. And a werewolf? If the Blacks found out, Remus' world would effectively _end_.

The boy on the other side of this door was very alone and very scared and very much in love. She exhaled and inhaled, trying to find her calm, elusive as it was, and stepped back into the room.

"Alright, Black. You win. I'm going up to the Hospital Wing. What is your message?"


	22. How Strange, The Form of Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In school, Remus and Sirius perform a complicated spell to marry their thoughts in a subtle but intricate union. Fluffy beginning, epic-length, angsty ending. It sticks somewhat close to canon throughout.

  
  
  
**Entry tags:** |   
[!fandom: harry potter](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/%21fandom:+harry+potter), [chaptered: how strange](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/chaptered:+how+strange), [character: james potter](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/character:+james+potter), [character: lily evans](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/character:+lily+evans), [character: peter pettigrew](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/character:+peter+pettigrew), [character: remus lupin](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/character:+remus+lupin), [character: sirius black](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/character:+sirius+black), [length: 2000+ words](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/length:+2000%2B+words), [pairing: lily/james](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/pairing:+lily/james), [pairing: remus/sirius](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/pairing:+remus/sirius)  
  
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_**How Strange, The Form of Fear: Chapter 21 [Harry Potter]**_  
**Fandom:** Harry Potter  
**Title: **How Strange, The Form of Fear  
**Chapter:** 21: So This is Love  
**Summary: **In school, Remus and Sirius perform a complicated spell to marry their thoughts in a subtle but intricate union. Fluffy beginning, epic-length, angsty ending. It sticks somewhat close to canon throughout.  
**This Chapter:** James/Lily and all those awkward first moments of insults and sulking.  
**Characters/Pairings: **Remus/Sirius, James/Lily  
**Rating/Warnings: **G, character illness  
**Word Count:** 2287

Chapter 21: So This is Love

"Pete, you're driving me nuts. If you're that bored, just go to class or something." James _meant_ for it to sound angry, but he was just too tired. Nothing could sound anything _but_ tired when your whole face is buried in your hand and you yawn in the middle of a sentence.

"'M not bored, he's just usually woken up by now."

"Well, things aren't usual, are they? Now shut your pie-hole or go to class."

"I don't want to go to class--"

"Bed then! I don't care!"

"Bed does sound nice, though, doesn't it?"

"'M not stopping you, Wormtail."

"Well... you sure, mate?"

"Yeah," James' patience snapped, "I'm bloody well sure. You're annoying the fuck out of me."

"Fine then. I'll go. Merlin, get a grip," Pete muttered as he walked towards the door. James would have waved him off if he'd had the energy. Pete gasped and said, "Oh, sorry Evans. Didn't see you there" from behind James' back.

James thought about turning around, standing up, greeting Evans, apologizing for the night before, but really, his hands were a very comfortable place for his face. It did not seem to want to leave their comforting warmth for any reason.

Then her voice was right next to his shoulder. "Black is awake."

"Huh?" He finally did lift his head to stare at her, and was surprised to see that she looked like she'd slept as much as he had, or perhaps less. "You really went up there then?"

"Yeah, I really went up there," she snapped. "I may not like Black much, but Remus is my friend. Turned out McGonagall needed me anyway. They had some problems with him. Anyway, it doesn't matter, he was fine, and he's alright now. He sent me up with a message."

"For me?" James was still staring at her.

"You wish, Potter. For Remus of course."

"Oh. Well he's still pretty sound asleep."

"Really, I hadn't noticed."

James leaned away from her. "Anyone ever tell you that you're an awfully cheeky bit of cracker."

"I... don't think anyone's ever put it to me quite that way, no." She smiled, though, and James laughed.

"Sorry, that was probably rude."

"Potter, of all the things you've said to me in the past five plus years, that was positively one of the absolutely least rude."

"Um. Oh. Thanks. Maybe?"

Lily burst out laughing and shook her head. "Speaking of crackers, you might have that market cornered yourself. How is he, then?" She pulled up a chair.

James shrugged. "As good as can be expected, I guess. Worse than usual, but not by a lot. He usually doesn't sleep this long, which is why Pete got fed up," James flicked his head back towards the door, "but then, he usually doesn't see much point in waking up until Sirius crawls into bed with him, so this is new ground we're covering. Remus swears up and down that having Sirius here makes him feel better," James shrugged. "He really thinks it has something to do with the, um, you know."

"Their marriage?"

"Uh, yeah."

"Potter, you're best friends with both of them and you can't even say the word?"

"Well, we're all a bit young to be married, aren't we?"

Lily started pulling her hair back into a ponytail. "I'm not going to argue with you there." She leaned towards the bed and pushed some hair out of Remus' eyes. She stroked his face in that way that a bloke could never in a million years get away with. "Remus," she whispered.

He made a noise. It sounded like "hmm?" but it also could have just been 'a noise'.

"I've got a message for you..." Lily said it like she was dangling an ice cream sundae in front of a four year old. "It's from that flea-bitten mutt you call a husband down in the isolation ward."

Remus' eyes jerked open. He reacted to the light, but then his hoarse voice groaned out, "Lily?" He looked over Lily's shoulder at James. "What did you do?"

James shrugged, suddenly realizing that he'd betrayed his friend's largest secret and he felt like a bit of a moron for having done it.

"'S alright," Lily answered for James, stroking Remus' hair again. "You want your message or not?"

"Message?"

"From your _husband?_" James was now quite certain that Lily was leaning on the word specifically to trigger his own discomfort.

"My what now?"

"Sirius, you berk!" James answered, his voice louder than he meant for it to be. He cringed at his own volume, and could easily see the answering cringe on Remus' face.

"Uh, message?" Remus said.

Lily stood and dropped the whole sexy-hair-stroking husky-voiced 'husband' routine, propping her hands on her hips. "Sirius says that you better not have gone running about with any other dogs last night or he'll personally make sure you get the bird flu."

"I'd be happy to get the bird flu if they'd let me--"

"Oh Merlin! Remus, you're going to miss it. He has this ring of great, shiny black feathers around his neck. It looks just like a feather boa. Kind of sexy."

Remus rolled his eyes. "Yeah, rub it in."

"Don't worry, I'll buy him a boa. I know this shop-- Well, never mind. But have you got any messages for him? I told him-- Oh lord, I told him I'd drop back by if you had any."

James started chuckling.

"What?" Lily turned to him.

"That's it, Evans! You are officially the Black-Lupin owl. They've got you. And soon you're going to be like little Geena and think they're both so fucking cute you won't be able to stop."

"As if!" Lily scowled at James.

"I do have, maybe, one small message?" Remus was gazing up at her with red-rimmed soulful eyes. She sighed and listened to whatever he had to say.

James didn't hear the message, though. He was too busy thinking about what a great bloody inconvenience it would be if he were to fall in love with her. And what he should do, now that it was happening for real.

*****

"Well, don't tell anyone I said, but Sirius is just... cute. You know, in that little boy sense. He's always getting into trouble, but he's actually very sweet." Lily Evans was sitting on the couch in the common room between Pete, who was with her on the couch, and Remus, who was in the armchair to her left. She had one leg tucked against her chest. She had just returned from said cute little boy. Lily had been keeping more and more company in the presence of Sirius since the Full Moon. One might even say she was getting to know him. James frowned from his armchair facing Remus. Remus' eyes twinkled like little fairy lights, and James rolled his eyes.

"I told you. Didn't I tell you? Didn't I say you'd find them both so fecking cute--"

"Maybe they are cute, Potter," she snapped back at him.

"Why can't straight blokes ever be as cute as the bent ones, eh?"

"Bent blokes don't act like complete morons every time a girl comes around! Besides, that's not what makes them cute."

"Yeah? What is it, then?"

"Unlike you, James Potter, Remus and Sirius aren't afraid to show their emotions."

James shared a wide-eyed look with Remus. "I'm not afraid to show my emotions!" James exclaimed.

"Well, I hope very much for your sake that that's a lie, because if it's not, you have the emotional depth of a thimble, Potter."

James stared at her, affronted, while Remus tried to restrain laughter. Pete didn't even try, chortling into his hand.

"Alright, then. Laugh at me," James snapped. "If you think Evans is so great, maybe you can have _her_ as a Marauder." He popped up and took the stairs to the dorm room two at a time, slamming the door behind him.

Remus came in not a moment later and sat on his own bed. "You want to talk about it, Prongs?"

"No, not especially." James didn't miss the acid in his own voice.

"I'm sorry for laughing, but Lily has got a way with words."

"Yeah? You gonna marry her next?" James threw a textbook onto his bed and searched blindly for a quill amongst his robes as opposed to his school supplies.

"Oh! You're jealous!"

"Yeah? Of who?"

"I don't know! Maybe you should tell me."

"I'm not jealous of anyone, Moony. I just don't like it when all my friends make fun of me."

"Rubbish. We all make fun of you all the time and you love it. You get off on attention."

James didn't know how to answer that, so he didn't.

With the air of someone discovering gravity, Remus gasped, "It's Lily, isn't it! You don't like her making fun of you? Or you don't like us making fun of you in front of her?"

"Well who _does_ want to be made fun of in front of the person-- a person they admire, eh?"

"Admire, huh?"

"What'd I say?" James stopped to wave his hands over his robes. He pulled out his wand. "_Accio quill._" A quill came lazily flying off the top of his school supplies. He heaved a sigh and sat down on the bed.

"Are you jealous of Lily spending time with Sirius because you can't spend time with Sirius, or because you can't spend time with Lily?"

"I don't want to spend time with Sirius," James huffed.

"You are just full of it today, aren't you?"

After a moment of idly doodling spirals on his parchment and hoping it looked to Remus like he was diligently working, a thought rose up in James' mind and forced its way out.

"Why aren't _you_ jealous of how much time Lily is spending with Sirius, eh?"

"Oh, I am." Remus sighed. "But it's no one's fault and I'm sure Sirius is just as jealous of how much time everyone in the entire Universe is spending with me, probably up to and including Madam Pomfrey." Remus smiled to himself. "I imagine he's going a bit nuts."

"'S what Lily says," James smiled at the picture. Sirius was already top of the 'screws loose' pile, in a good way. If any more nuts and bolts went missing, though, what would be left of James' best friend? James' big brother?

"You're not worried about him, are you? He really is fine, you know. I mean, health-wise, even I can feel that, but Lily says he'll be in another week at most."

James shook his head. "No, 'm not worried."

"So what is it with Lily, then?"

James flung his parchment and quill to the side, capping his ink and setting it on the floor. "What's it feel like to fall in love?"

"Well, I don't know if it's the same for everyone," Remus lay back on his bed. "For me, it felt rather like I was going crazy, I suppose."

"Yeah? In what way?"

"Well, and I don't mind you knowing this, I fell in love with Sirius before he and I were ever romantically involved. I really did think I was going crazy. I saw him everywhere I went, and whenever I did, my heart would speed up so much it sometimes _hurt_. What really did it for me was-- you remember that play we put on for muggle studies?-- I told Sirius about it and I thought he said he'd be there, but he actually said he couldn't make it. I nearly missed my lines, I was spending so much time looking for him. At the end of the evening I thought he'd stood me up. I actually-- ok, really, don't tell anyone this, not even Sirius, alright?-- I actually _cried_ that night. That was the night I realized I was in love, and with a bloke, and that it had already happened. It was too late for me to _prevent_ falling in love, because I already was. I figured he would never love me back, and I thought I was looking at a future filled with hopelessness, loneliness, heartbreak. I just... cried until I cried so hard I started screaming. I wanted to rip it all out of me-- being bent, being in love. All complications I couldn't take on top of, well, being who I am." Remus' smile at that was not a happy one. "I thought I wanted to die, but at the same time I knew I didn't, because I was in love, and that emotion, no matter how mad it was driving me, was also like... like a fire in the middle of winter. I had to stand by it. I couldn't abandon it. It was the most beautiful emotion I had ever known. I knew that I would die for it. Maybe... maybe that's why I already felt like I was dying..." Remus looked up with a smile. "But then it all worked out. Somehow. All that rot about prince charming and true love-- it's real, James. Just like in those stories. And when you know that, when you realize that you have known that for a while now-- I think that's when you realize that you have been in love."

James stared blank-eyed across the room. He felt Remus' eyes on him. It seemed to take a while before James' body started answering his mind again, and only once it did was he able to ask, "So, what then?"

"What when?"

"When you realize you've fallen in love, or whatever."

Remus laughed, but James could hear a slightly manic edge to it. "James, mate, _then_ you hold onto your sanity with both hands and hope you don't puke."


	23. How Strange, The Form of Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In school, Remus and Sirius perform a complicated spell to marry their thoughts in a subtle but intricate union. Fluffy beginning, epic-length, angsty ending. It sticks somewhat close to canon throughout.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
**Current location:** |  [St. Paul, MN](http://maps.google.com/maps?q=St.+Paul,+MN)  
---|---  
**Current mood:** |   
optimistic  
**Entry tags:** |   
[!fandom: harry potter](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/%21fandom:+harry+potter), [chaptered: how strange](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/chaptered:+how+strange), [character: james potter](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/character:+james+potter), [character: lily evans](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/character:+lily+evans), [character: peter pettigrew](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/character:+peter+pettigrew), [character: remus lupin](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/character:+remus+lupin), [character: sirius black](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/character:+sirius+black), [length: 2000+ words](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/length:+2000%2B+words), [pairing: lily/james](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/pairing:+lily/james), [pairing: remus/sirius](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/pairing:+remus/sirius)  
  
  
_**How Strange, The Form of Fear: Chapter 22 [Harry Potter]**_  
**Fandom:** Harry Potter  
**Title: **How Strange, The Form of Fear  
**Chapter:** 22: Hanging Upside Down  
**Summary: **In school, Remus and Sirius perform a complicated spell to marry their thoughts in a subtle but intricate union. Fluffy beginning, epic-length, angsty ending. It sticks somewhat close to canon throughout.  
**This Chapter:** Sirius and Lily might be-- friends? Is the world upside down? Or was it just that Ravenclaw? Sirius gets out of the hospital wing.  
**Characters/Pairings: **Remus/Sirius, James/Lily  
**Rating/Warnings: **G, character illness  
**Word Count:** 2680  
**AN:** There really is no excuse for the length of time this went between updates. But you will notice it was exactly the length of my semester. I could plead school, but I don't think it's to blame.

Chapter 22: Hanging Upside Down

"So then I said, 'are you just going to stare at my bum, or do you want to touch it?'"

"You what?" Lily blushed and buried herself in the Potions text.

"Well, I was pissed. But so was he. You know what he said back?"

Lily pursed her lips and added Bulbotuber puss to the slowly-simmering potion on the floor of Sirius' room in the isolation ward.

"He said, 'If you'll let me touch your bum, I will, but I'd much rather stick my cock in it.'"

Lily gasped and dropped her glass stirring rod. It clattered on the ground as her face went beet red.

"What? It's just sex, Evans. You've never heard of two blokes having sex?" He was grinning at her. She was sure he was trying to get a rise out of her.

"I'm just not used to people... discussing their sex lives so... openly. What would Remus think?"

Sirius waggled an eyebrow. "You can ask him yourself, you know. He doesn't mind as much as you think he might. Considering the secrets he keeps, he considers this bit of information to be open season. I'm guessing that's partly 'cause he does the giving and I do the taking, if you catch my drift. I don't mind people knowing that, though, because anyone that has something bad to say about it is just proving to me they haven't tried." Sirius got a dreamy look.

"I cannot believe I am even having this conversation," Lily answered, half to herself. Sirius leaned down very stiffly to hand her the dried frog stomach he'd been dicing, and she added it. The liquid turned black and Lily smiled in satisfaction.

"You mind if I ask you something, then?" Sirius wouldn't meet her eyes.

"Sure, go ahead, but I don't have to answer, you know."

"No, you don't. Uh... Has my-- has Regulus been sick at all?"

Her head jerked up. "You mean he didn't stop in?"

Sirius just stared at her.

"He's been and gone. You've been in here practically longer than anyone, Black. There's a mountain of chocolate for you in your dorm room. The whole school is talking about you, but your brother didn't even stop in to say hello?"

Sirius shook his head. "Regulus isn't my brother."

"Sirius. I know how it is. My little sister wants almost nothing to do with me--"

"No no," Sirius shook his head. "Gods above, he used to be. I loved him so much. But my little brother died at some point. I used to actually think he'd been poisoned or _Imperious_'d. For all I know, he has been. What you don't know... You know, Evans, Regulus begged Walburga to be allowed to cast the _Cruciatus_ on me."

Lily gasped. Her stomach flipped vilely.

Sirius released an evil, dead sort of laugh she hadn't heard before. "As a punishment for being sorted into Gryffindor."

"He didn't--"

"Oh, he _did_."

"Your mum gave him permission? I'd think you were lying, Sirius, if I didn't know how balls you are at lying."

"Um, thanks? I think."

"You and Potter are two of a kind," she rolled her eyes.

A sarcastic grin fluttered over Sirius' face as he pulled the wings off dead beetles to add to the potion. "'S my point, though. That _bitch_ Walburga is not my mum. She might be my mother, and she might have given birth to me, but the woman who sang me lullabies is just as dead as the little boy who used to ask me to get down the cookies from the high shelf. Mrs. Potter's my mum now, and I couldn't be happier."

"Really?" Lily could hear the skepticism and pity in her own voice.

Sirius smiled up at her. "Evans. Really. I can't lie, remember?"

"Right." She frowned at him.

He frowned back. "Merlin's sake, Evans, when the hell is this potion going to be done? What was it we were making again?"

Lily heaved a genuinely exasperated sigh. "Sirius, could you at least _try_ to keep up with your studies?"

"I said I'd work as hard as I do regularly, didn't I?" Sirius winked.

"Black, you are _insufferable_."

*****

"Two days," Lily sing-songed.

Remus tried to hide his smile and blush in the depths of his scarf, but was unable to.

"I hate to admit it, but James is right. You two are ridiculously cute."

"So he's James now, huh?"

Lily shrugged and Remus let it drop. She leaned against his arm for warmth, and he wrapped the arm around her.

"It must be nice," she sighed, "being in love."

Remus snorted. "I just got done telling James earlier this week that it's its own particular brand of hell. I don't think anyone would do it, if they knew what it was like and could help it."

She laughed. "Now you sound like Severus."

Remus shrugged and answered quietly, "Then maybe Severus knows something about love."

"Yeah, or maybe he knows something about this new Dark Lord," Lily's voice turned bitter.

"Not mutually exclusive," Remus allowed.

After another minute of wind-whistling silence during which they gazed out onto the lake, Lily continued very softly. "Sirius told me some... some troubling things. About his family."

Remus inhaled and exhaled. There were things Sirius had never told him, but no one could read Sirius' silences like Remus could. "Don't tell me," Remus interrupted her. "He hasn't told me because he has some pride left, and that's something I understand. I know the things he's told you, but I don't need to hear it. Don't tell me."

"Remus..."

"Please," Remus turned to her. "Life with Sirius is complicated. He _is_ a proud man, but a proud man who lays almost all of that pride aside for me. I'm not going to strip him of the last little bit. He doesn't strip me of mine, either."

"What do you mean?" Her green eyes could see too far into him. He sighed.

"Sirius never-- He never-- He just doesn't let me see him pity me, not ever. I know he knows lycanthropy isn't all a joke, but he keeps up the joke facade because he knows I would rather think he's not taking it seriously than to think he pities me. I know how he feels, just like I know about his experiences with his family that he hasn't told me about. But he pretends, and I pretend, and we do that because... we are both _men_, Lily. Men need to keep their pride. I don't want to be fussed over, and James and Peter, God bless them, they do fuss over me sometimes. When Sirius does, he complains or tells stories and never lets on what he's doing. Sirius also doesn't want to be fussed over. Men don't make public displays of their pain."

"Neither do women!" Lily countered.

"I didn't mean to imply-- I just mean, women are better with showing vulnerability. It's not a bad thing, Lily. Men aren't able to ask for help, even when they need it. Women will ask even when they don't."

"Then... why did he tell me? If it was a secret, or if he doesn't want help?" Her eyes were wide and-- frightened?

"First, I gather Sirius trusts you. Second, you're not all that close to him. In fact, you tend to dislike him, so you're not overly likely, at least in his mind, to rush to his aid. Third, you're not me. I hold all of Sirius, and have power over him. Love... it's very powerful." He laughed at this flat-sounding kernel of wisdom. "I think it's possibly the oldest, strongest, most dangerous magic... And muggle magic, too. Sirius loves muggle magic."

She seemed to drift in his warm, smooth voice, even if most of what he said couldn't possibly make much sense to her.

"What Sirius and I did wasn't to bind our souls, you know? It was to heal this enormous pain of two sundered halves of one soul being forced to live apart."

Lily stared up at him for a great long while before she dared to break the silence. "Remus, that's... the most romantic thing anyone's ever said to me."

He raised an eyebrow at her. "You need to get out more if your most romantic experience is with a married werewolf mincer, Lily."

She chuckled and unwrapped herself from Remus' arm to stand up. "I don't have time to get out. I have a full time job. The Lupin-Black owl is a busy bird, Remus." She folded her arms and flapped them at him.

"Just a couple more days?" he implored her.

"As long as you keep those owl treats coming."

*****

Sirius was released from the isolation ward on a Monday two weeks after the full. Madam Pomfrey announced him healed, told him to mind he didn't exhaust himself, showered him in several disinfectant spells, and sent him into the hallway.

Granted, Sirius _had_ been expecting some sort of waiting party. And indeed, he was greeted by one. He just hadn't expected that it would be so large. After all, he knew to expect his boyfriend, his best friends, maybe even Evans (was she a friend? Maybe even a best friend now?), but should he have guessed that half of Gryffindor Tower and a good number of Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff students would turn up? Even a couple Slytherin firsties were hanging about. The reason for such a gathering was clear to anyone with a brain: wherever Marauders gathered was clearly the place to be, and if Marauders were gathering in an upstairs hallway, people found themselves with a sudden urge to also be in that upstairs hallway. Sirius guessed that most of these students didn't have a clue why they were standing about. They just wanted to look cool doing whatever Peter, James, and Remus did. Some others must have known, because they were already eying the hall doors when Sirius burst through them.

And burst through them he did. As he had been expecting at least a small group to greet him, Sirius had already decided upon making an entrance, and, as most entrances do, that began with his exit from one place into the next. There were tall, heavy double doors separating the isolation ward's ante-chamber from the Hogwarts hallway proper. He first lay his hands against the doors, pushing a bit to judge the weight and how much force to use. Then, he stepped back, straightened his robes, mussed his hair, licked his (oh he so intended to need to use them!) lips, rubbed the toes of his shoes on his calves for a lazy-arse shine, and burst forth from the oaken-carved portal into the bright, marble hallway of--

Of students.

Some of them clapped. Gits.

"Oi. Black. This is my turf you're stepping on. Best shove off before I throw you off-- out the window!"

Sirius turned with a grin to watch James hamming-it-up. "Oh yeah, Potter? If you think you have some claim to this hallway you're going to have to put your fists where your big fat mouth is and come through me to get it." Sirius drew his wand. Some firsties gasped. They cuoldn't think this whole business was real! Sirius had been out of school so long that maybe they did.

James wiggled his eyebrows at one first year Slytherin student. This is why the older Slytherin knew to stay away from this sort of thing. Then James drew his wand.

"Are you a muggle, that you fight with your fist, or are you a Black? Are you any kind of wizard at all? I heard your family tossed you on your bum!"

A Ravenclaw third year laughed and said loudly, "They did toss him out, you know."

Sirius and James locked eyes. They had just acquired a new target. No one could say something like that about Sirius in public and expect to walk away unscathed.

"Scoundrel!" Sirius held his wand high. "I refuse to bow to you, blood traitor."

"Rogue! It's just as well, as I would never bow to such a failure."

Remus heaved a long-suffering sigh and muttered with not anywhere near enough gusto, "On one. Three two one."

James and Sirius spun simultaneously and aimed their hexes at the Ravenclaw third year. Soon, he was hanging upside down with tulips growing from his nose. The students laughed.

"You're a Ravenclaw. You ought to be smarter than that," James called to the hanging student.

Remus let the boy down and said, "There's something to that, you know. What you said was profoundly stupid in _any_ company."

"I hope you learned your lesson!" a Hufflepuff girl laughed.

The boy scrubbed at his teary eyes and ran for the hospital wing.

"Sirius! James! That was--"

But Evans was interrupted by Remus and Peter joining Sirius and James in the center of the crowd of onlookers. If the students were hoping for some great public snog (and Geena was there, so at least one student was), they were going to be disappointed, because Sirius and Remus were not as soppy as that, but it had been weeks, and a Full Moon besides, so Sirius could not have moved away even if he wanted to when Remus coiled arms around him from the back and rested a beautifully unshaven chin on Sirius' shoulder.

"Where's your boa, then? I heard it was sexy." Remus whispered.

Evans had approached, looking huffy, but she seemed to have heard what Remus' said, because her cheeks were starting to pink up.

"Seems like my owl was delivering some messages I didn't write," Sirius laughed. Suddenly, he remembered other conversations he and Evans had shared and his humor faded, though he kept wearing the smile for the sake of appearances.

Of course, appearances would not fool Remus, who was in his head anyway. Remus whispered, "Not the others. The things you told Lily are between you two."

Sirius spun and playfully pushed Remus away. "You know too many of my secrets, Lupin."

"Mmm, I know more of your secrets than you know, Black." He winked. Moony was winking at him.

Sirius grinned. Peter and James rolled their eyes in mirror images of exasperation. "We've lost them," James muttered.

"Aw, let 'em be," Lily said. "Go hang up some more Ravenclaws. I don't approve, but at least you're picking on all houses now."

"Not _all_ houses," James corrected. "It was never about the Slytherins, anyway. I only hex people who prove themselves to be of poor moral character."

"Yeah? Have you hexed yourself recently?" Lily asked sharply.

"Not recently, I don't think. But hey, I've never hexed you, have I?"

"Sirius did, in second year."

"Oh, well I don't have the moral hang-ups of Prongs here." Sirius smiled. "I was just jealous 'cause he was all like Evans this and Evans that and 'Evans is the center of the universe' and 'Evans is the smartest girl here', and 'I'm going to marry Evans one day.'" Sirius rolled his eyes. "Wouldn't give a mate the time of day. He hexed me for that back, though, so no worries owlie."

"You did not just call me 'owlie'."

"I'm sorry, 'Great and Wise Black-Lupin Owl'."

"Lupin-Black," Remus and Lily answered simultaneously.

Sirius rolled his eyes.

"Well, at least if James thinks so highly of me, it's clear who is the brains of your little duo," she sneered at Sirius.

Sirius smiled back. "I never said otherwise. Everyone knows I'm the cute one. It's my job to sleep with the prefect so he'll let James here plan whatever he likes."

Remus shoved Sirius.

"But if you'll excuse me," Sirius stepped away from the group, "My last prefectly shag was much much too long ago, and may be about to wear out. I wouldn't want to get in trouble for that Ravenclaw bloke," he pointed towards where the boy had been hanging.

Remus was silent, his lips pressed tightly together, but it was eventually he who pulled Sirius from the group and in the direction of one of their private liaison locations. Sirius, however, was all too happy to let himself be dragged.


	24. How Strange, The Form of Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In school, Remus and Sirius perform a complicated spell to marry their thoughts in a subtle but intricate union. Fluffy beginning, epic-length, angsty ending. It sticks somewhat close to canon throughout.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
**Current location:** |  [St. Paul, MN](http://maps.google.com/maps?q=St.+Paul,+MN)  
---|---  
**Current mood:** |   
hopeful  
**Entry tags:** |   
[!fandom: harry potter](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/%21fandom:+harry+potter), [chaptered: how strange](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/chaptered:+how+strange), [character: james potter](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/character:+james+potter), [character: peter pettigrew](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/character:+peter+pettigrew), [character: remus lupin](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/character:+remus+lupin), [character: sirius black](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/character:+sirius+black), [length: 2000+ words](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/length:+2000%2B+words), [pairing: lily/james](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/pairing:+lily/james), [pairing: remus/sirius](http://community.livejournal.com/vintageflame/tag/pairing:+remus/sirius)  
  
  
_**How Strange, The Form of Fear: Chapter 23 [Harry Potter]**_  
**Fandom:** Harry Potter  
**Title: **How Strange, The Form of Fear  
**Chapter:** 23: The Family Jewels  
**Summary: **In school, Remus and Sirius perform a complicated spell to marry their thoughts in a subtle but intricate union. Fluffy beginning, epic-length, angsty ending. It sticks somewhat close to canon throughout.  
**This Chapter:** Remus and Sirius re-acquaint, Alphard Black passes away, and something is strange with the Potters.  
**Characters/Pairings: **Remus/Sirius, James/Lily  
**Rating/Warnings: **NC-17, character illness, rimming, sex  
**Word Count:** 2316  
**AN:** Not beta-read, sorry.

Chapter 23: The Family Jewels

The abandoned office still had a hearth and carpet, though no chairs and desk. The carpet had once been old and dirt-caked as if no one had cleaned it in easily several decades, if not a century. The fireplace was not hooked up to the Floo, though it was clean enough now to hold a warming fire. Now, that is, that Remus had kindly asked a Hogwarts elf to upkeep the room. It had been upkept, that easily! Remus hadn't been raised with a house elf, of course, but Hogwarts house elves were really wondrous in their own way. Remus felt a kindly twitch in their direction; they, too, were not treated as equals by witches and wizards, not unlike werewolves. Still, it was _only_ a twitch and not any real sympathy. Elves were kind of daft, and there were more than a couple wizards, and two witches now that James' mum and Lily had come around, who knew that Remus was a werewolf and _did_ treat him as an equal.

And then these was this one wizard who'd already lit the fire and was now treating Remus as something very much more than an equal. Sirius' worship was probably going to Remus' head, but he'd take it anyway. Sirius stood before Remus, all lidded eyes and pouting lips, and began to strip off his own clothes.

And then there he was: Sirius, naked in the firelight. He had obviously lost weight during his illness. More evident than his weight-loss was the lacking definition in his muscles, the unusual length of his hair, the pallor of his skin. The vision before Remus was almost some poor waxen imitation of Sirius Black.

None of this in the least diminished the form's resemblance to some Greco-Roman sex god of Remus' imagining. Sirius' hair was almost unnoticeable to Remus's touch, as silky smooth as it was. Whatever they'd been feeding him during his illness had done wonders to it. Feathery, that was the appropriate word for it. Otherwise, there were no other feathers on Sirius' body, though Remus' questing hand soon found that the hair on Sirius' head was not the only hair on his body to have gained a cirrus texture: the curled thatch of black that failed to hide Sirius' manhood likewise had a downy quality.

Sirius must have been reading Remus' mind, because he smiled up into Remus' eyes with raised eyebrows. "Too bad it won't stay that way, eh?"

"Any wand that works, works for me," Remus smiled back.

"What about when I'm old and fat and my wand can't throw sparks? Will you still love me then, Moony?"

"No, I reckon not. At least, not unless you're rich."

"I could always sell the family jewels."

Remus started giggling into Sirius' shoulder.

"How did you survive without me?" Sirius asked. "You must have had a miserable time to be laughing at these old jokes."

"I _have_ had a miserable time." Remus nodded against Sirius' warm skin and started peppering the shoulder with kisses, moving them up Sirius' neck.

"You could have taken up with someone else."

"Don't want to take up with anyone else," Remus muttered, working on the skin underneath Sirius' ear.

"I hear Regulus Black has a handsome older brother--"

"Git," Remus pushed Sirius away. "Can't I just make love to you without all this chatter and bad humour?"

"Oi, bad? I'm insulted."

Remus rolled his eyes.

"So," Sirius lowered his eyelids, and contrary to what Remus would have thought, it actually had an intended and very sexual affect. "We're making love now, are we? I thought you just wanted to stick your dick up my bunghole."

"You know," Remus answered very flatly, "I'll take either, if you'll stop the chatter and just let me get on with it."

"We have the rest of our lives, no need to rush. Which do you prefer, fast or slow?"

Remus wished he could say slow. That had been what he had in mind. He looked down at his dick: red, foreskin rolled away, and on the whole largely ready to go. He knew that slow was not going to suffice after so much time. He frowned.

"Hey, me either," Sirius answered the silence. He pulled a tube of grease gracelessly from his abandoned robes and threw it to Remus. "We'll give it a go or two now, get the guys and go on a kitchen run or something, then maybe we'll be ready for another, slower round. I'm famished."

Remus laughed and generously coated himself in grease before throwing it back and waiting for Sirius to ready himself.

"Padfoot, you are a genius."

"You can thank me later. For now, just fuck me," Sirius grinned.

Remus grinned back, then spun Sirius, slowly running his hands along the cold flanks of Sirius' thin back. Remus let his thumbs dive into the muscles, easing imagined tensions. He leaned forward to bury his face in the soft black hair. "I love you."

"Ung," Sirius answered, busy trying to back himself up against Remus to pay mind to romance. Remus's dick hit Sirius too high to attempt sex whilst standing, but that didn't seem to stop Sirius from trying; he was standing on his tip-toes, trying for entry.

Remus, inspired, pushed Sirius the ten or so feet forward until Sirius was pressed into a wall. Remus then used that wall for balance and support as he bend, handing pushing aside Sirius's firm cheeks to reveal his target.

Sirius was clearly expecting entry at this point, bracing for it, but Remus was hit by a sudden urge; he dropped to his knees. Sirius tried to turn, but Remus pinned him harder against the wall to prevent it. "Let me do this," Remus gasped. Before Sirius could respond or object, Remus pressed the top of his tongue hard to Sirius's entry. Whatever Sirius had been about to say was lost in a cry of pleasure as Sirius rutted backwards hard against Remus. Remus, meanwhile, had to struggle to maintain his intimate contact. Sirius was moving so much. All Remus could taste was scented grease; Sirius had already prepared himself for entry. Remus withdrew his head to slide two fingers into Sirius, and they disappeared effortlessly.

By this point, Sirius' noises were reaching near frenzy. Remus knew their time was short; Sirius would shoot soon and he doubted that he would be all that far behind. Remus spring to his feet and entered Sirius with no warning.

Sirius' reaction would have been reward enough; Sirius barked out a rough series of noises, leaning over more for a sharper angle. Remus didn't need the reaction for a reward, though. He himself was buried deep within Sirius, feeling that rocking through his legs. His left knee scraped the way with each pass of Sirius' bucking rhythm, but they were not at it long enough for his knee to sustain any discomfort. Sirius came so quickly, and the sensation of being squeezed inside of Sirius completed Remus' adventure as well.

Still slumping together against the wall, they muttered breathless and half-coherent ideas about the kitchens. With the fervor of teenage boys, hunger was rising in their bellies. In under two minutes both were dressed. The horrid splotch that Sirius had made on the wall and carpet was cleaned in short order. Then Sirius, a foolish grin from ear to ear and a dozy heaviness to his eyelids, led Remus by the hand all the way to the kitchens.

*****

Alphard Black died of the wizarding bird flu the week before Christmas. His will stated that his entire estate was to be left to one Sirius Black, with whom he had not had a regular correspondence since the boy had gone off to Hogwarts. When said heir, Sirius Black, was approached by several wizarding tabloids and asked why he thought his uncle had left him the money, Sirius couldn't even think of a likely lie. Several rags circulated pictures of him shrugging glumly, though there were no direct quotes. This is only because the editors would not publish direct quotes with that sort of language in.

Walburga was enraged as much by the attention that the affair brought Sirius as by the number of editorials that week in The Prophet stating how cruel she was to have disowned her son. She promptly burned her brother off the family tree.

*****

On Tuesday evening of that week, this precise question-- why _had_ Alphard Black left his money to Sirius-- was posed to Sirius in the privacy of his dormitory in Gryffindor Tower.

"I don't know!" Sirius exclaimed for about the eighth time. "I barely even spoke to him! I haven't at all, since I was sorted. He didn't come to family stuff, much, either."

"Maybe he didn't like your family, then," James offered.

"Maybe."

"Could be he heard you were disowned and that's why," Remus offered, "Maybe he didn't agree with the family but never had the guts to say anything about it. He was in Slytherin, yeah?"

"Yeah," Sirius nodded.

"It could also be he didn't like the idea of their heir taking money from-- no offense James-- the Potters," Remus suggested.

"Yeah," Sirius shrugged, his eyebrows wrinkling together in concentration.

The group eventually let it drop; they would never know the true answer. For Alphard Black had intercepted an unlikely memo one day while working at the Ministry, had held it, mouth agape, while struggling with its contents. Sirius-- the Gryffindor, ha!-- had had the bravery to test the might of the Ministry's long arm by doing one the thing Alphard Black had most wanted to do and least courage to carry to completion: Sirius Black had married his boyfriend. Alphard had let the canary-yellow memo continue on its way. He had Floo'd his counselor. He had changed his will. Sirius Black was Alphard Black's heir in more than blood, and now he would be Alphard's legal heir as well.

*****

The four boys elected to stay at Hogwarts that Christmas. The Full Moon was closer to Christmas this year. Besides, they all rather wanted to lay about Gryffindor Tower and do absolutely nothing. When no one's parents objected to this decision, the boys reveled in their small victory and smuggled a tankard of honey-wine in from Hogsmeade. They exchanged gifts and had the pleasure of dining with the professors. During the nights, they scorned curfew and roamed free. It was brilliant fun, but all their fun was soon to come to an end.

By the close of Boxing Day, Remus and Peter had received presents from their families, while James and Sirius had received nothing-- not so much as a note of Happy Christmas. They were both beginning to get grumbly about this lack of attentions when Baldr, the Potters' owl, swooped in on them at dinnertime. The tardiness of the owl ought to have been the first sign that something was wrong, but nothing in Mrs. Potter's letter said anything of concern. Sirius received some Muggle albums and James a leather jacket to match Sirius'. James expressed his hope that Lily would like the jacket, and the four boys returned to their dormitory to listen to records on Remus's phonograph. No more attention was given to Baldr's strange delay.

When the next letter came from the Potters', the term had begun again. It was addressed to "James and Sirius", and the big barn owl Baldr aimed between the two boys and managed to drop the scroll in James' pumpkin juice.

"Bugger," James hissed, fishing it out.

"Moony, you remember that drying charm?" Sirius asked. Remus always had at his command a full arsenal of charms that could save books from all sorts of mischievous harm, including but not limited to Giant Squid ink, Fiend Fire, anti-page-turning-hexes, and of course, pumpkin juice. Remus had had the opportunity to employ most of these charms while in the Marauders' presence. He now pulled out his wand and cast "_Carteseca_" with a tiny, complex movement. A sweeping dryness ran up the paper, though it remained wrinkled and stained. The text, however, should have been easily legible.

James, holding it, gasped. Sirius leaned in behind him to read, but then shot to his feet and left the Great Hall in a rush. James balled the letter up and shoved it into his pocket before bolting after Sirius.

"What?" snapped Peter at the sudden departure.

"I don't know." Remus squinted off in the direction that Sirius and James had run. He hadn't seen the letter. He hadn't even touched it. Peter was staring at Remus as if Remus knew what was going on, some sort of accusation in Peter's eyes. "It wasn't anything I did!" Remus huffed at glaring Peter.

"Right. Sorry." Peter turned to likewise frown in the direction of the eventful exit. Peter and Remus certainly they weren't the only people who seemed concerned. Professor McGonagall had those little crease marks above her eyebrows that meant she was trying not to look worried and failing.

What bothered Remus most, however, was not Peter's reaction or Professor McGonagall's. Rather, he could feel Sirius' emotions with unusual clarity-- and with striking discomfort. The emotions were close to causing him actual pain. "Excuse me," he muttered distractedly to Peter as he rose to his feet.

"Moony--"

But Remus was gone before he heard Peter finish. He stood just outside the Great Hall, trying to sense where Sirius had gone. James, as a rule, kept their map on his person, so Remus didn't have much hope of finding it in their room.

A hand on his arm startled Remus from his reverie. "What happened?" Lily asked. He looked down and wondered when she had grown so small.

"I don't know. They got a letter. It was from Baldr, so it must have been from the Potters. It wasn't good, anyway."

"Do you know where they went?"

Remus shook his head, but then he realized he _did_ know. "The owlery."

"You're sure?"

Remus nodded. "I can smell it. It has a... rather distinctive smell."

Lily laughed, and the sound warmed Remus. "I think 'distinctive' is quite a compliment."

"It may just be Sirius in the owlery. I can't promise James is there," Remus warned.

Lily shrugged.

"Alright. Come on, then."


	25. Passing On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Potters pass away, sixth year ends, and the Dark Lord looms.

The wind cried out as it cascaded around the Owlery. Inside, James Potter snatched a tiny sheet of parchment from the supply kept there. He put the parchment and a communal inkwell onto a small, battered table that had been placed there for this purpose. Most people answered their owls in the less odoriferous privacy of the castle, but enough people wrote letters in the Owlery to warrant this little set-up. The ink in the inkwell was watered down and had more than a few unidentifiable bits floating in it. James unscrewed the top and dipped the tip of a feather plucked directly from the Owlery floor. There were certainly enough lost feathers here so that they were never in short supply, though they were not as nice as school quills.

Sirius leaned over James's shoulder, playing absently with the lip of the inkwell until his gloved fingers left black smears. He read what James wrote:

_Dear Mum and Dad,_

_Why didn't you tell us before?_

"I think you should make it say 'why the _bloody hell_ didn't you tell us before,'" Sirius grumbled.

"Shut up."

_I'm sure you'll be alright. Take care of yourselves and tell us if there's anything we can do. Here's Sirius. He wants me to add curses to the letter, so I figure I should let him get himself into trouble._

_Love you. - James._

"Arse, I can't believe you wrote that."

James shrugged and handed the parchment and quill to Sirius. Sirius pulled his hands out of his gloves and let them go numb as he wrote:

_I know how much it stinks, but the worst part is over, where you get the feathers. Then there's just the fever and stuff. And when you recover your hair will be all soft and feathery, so that'll be cool. Get better soon._

_\--s.b._

James secured the letter to a school owl, Baldr having left without waiting for a reply. Both boys watched the owl fly away. Finally, James punched Sirius on the shoulder and said, "Come on." Sirius nodded. Feeling helpless, he followed James out of the Owlery.

They met Lily and Remus on the stairway back to the castle. Both were worried, and James reported the news: that his parents were in St. Mungo's with the bird flu. There was nothing to do about it that the healers at St. Mungo's weren't doing, though, so the four of them headed back to the dormitory for a night filled with homework.

*****

A week passed. Sirius and James forgot their worries quickly enough as they slipped back into routine. They hadn't yet received a reply, but neither were they expecting one so soon. The Potters weren't always the most timely with their letters, especially when distracted. Surely being locked up in St. Mungo's with the bird flu constituted a distraction.

When a somber Professor McGonagall interrupted Professor Slughorn in the middle of Potions to call for James Potter, most students likely thought nothing of it. They probably thought that he must have done something to get himself into trouble-- hardly a rare occurrence. When she turned back after a second and added, "Oh, and Sirius Black. Of course," this likewise seemed perfectly normal to most students. Lily Evans, though, was not 'most students'. Before Sirius had even stood to join James and McGonagall, Lily's potion was boiling over. She cursed at the foam, her voice echoing in the silent classroom. No one else spoke as Sirius rose from his seat, his face a study in stern stoicism, and followed James and Professor McGonagall from the room.

Remus, working next to Lily again today, was obviously trying to ease her worry. He kept distracting her with questions about the potion they were now re-doing. They were questions that she had already answered, and she knew for a fact that Remus was a better listener than that. Lily tried her best to concentrate, but found her attention wandering to the classroom door. Remus took care of their potion, even though potions was Lily's forte. Remus was in the middle of adding armadillo bile when he quite suddenly dropped the entire vial into the potion. It gave an underwhelming "glump" and emitted a cloud of dense purple smoke. Professor Slughorn approached and began a polite lecture on their carelessness. Afterall, they had ruined two potions in the course of one class.

But neither was listening to him. Lily's eyes were locked on Remus's. She could see his hands shaking. He looked like he was going to be sick. Without saying a word, without so much as asking permission from their professor, Remus rose to his feet, numbly gathered his bag, and left the room. Lily Evans followed moments later, and the pair silently walked to Gryffindor Tower.

*****

Lily and Remus were perched on beds in the boys' dormitory when the storm arrived. The door burst open and James and Sirius both entered. James sat on his bed, unseeing, but Sirius flung his rucksack. It skittered across the floor, but no sooner had it come to a stop than Sirius was leveling a punch at the wall, grunting in his exertion. Remus leaped to his feet, wrapping an arm around Sirius, trying to restrain Sirius's violent outrage at the stone.

"It doesn't make sense." James was the first to speak into the silence.

Sirius grunted.

"It doesn't..." James repeated.

"James," Lily whispered. "Did... what..."

"They're dead," James whispered.

Lily gasped, but Remus had already known.

*****

All week, the mood in Gryffindor Tower was subdued. Everyone was walking on eggshells, even the firsties who weren't sure what was going on. Those who did know what had happened were doing their level best to pick up the slack. Some did James' and Sirius' homework. Others brought food up for them. James and Sirius weren't grateful-- they hadn't the energy to be-- but no one begrudged them it. All of those helpful students had the singular luxury of walking away from the morose atmosphere that tinged the air around Sirius and James. All of them, that is, except Remus.

Not even Lily-- still, incidentally, refusing to actually date James, not that he'd asked this given week-- was as close to ground zero as was Remus. Remus was able to share in James' and Sirius' grief in an intimate, painful way. In a sense, he was glad. He knew the difference between personal hell and shared hell, knew the comfort brought by sharing your pain with another. If, by sharing their burden, he could ease it at all, he was warmed by the thought. Still, Sirius's grief left Remus with his own overwhelming sense of loss. Remus eased his own aching chest by holding Sirius, keeping Sirius warm. Doting on Sirius, though, made him realize how alone James must really feel. One afternoon while Sirius was sleeping, Remus popped over to James's bed and sat on the end of it.

"Prongs?"

"Yeah?" James was awake, but he was half under the covers and his voice came out muffled as a result.

"When are the, uh, arrangements--"

"Sat'day," James slurred.

"Right. How are you holding up?"

James fought out of the blankets. "I'm alive. I'm just so _pissed_, you know?"

"I know. So is Sirius."

"They didn't even tell us they were fucking sick until _last week_. I haven't seen them in _months_, Moony. We didn't even go home for Christmas. It's not-- it's just the stupidest-- I mean, Sirius had this same thing and he pulled through fine..."

Remus knew that logic would not work on James just now, so he did not attempt to use any.

"It's just-- Argh!" James flung a pillow across their small room. Remus sighed.

"I'm sorry," James slammed his head back into his remaining pillow. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you. I just feel... it's like...it's like being cut loose. Like you've got nowhere left to turn in the world. I wonder if this is how Padfoot felt when he was thrown out of home, and now this? They're the only home I've ever known, Moony, and now I've got to 'settle their affairs'. I don't know how to do that! I don't even know what it means."

"Well, Lily is your friend, and you know she has an interest in wizarding law. I'm sure she can help you make some sense of it."

"Yeah," James' sigh was lifeless and empty, "I should ask her."

"Just make sure you take care of yourself, okay? I know it's what your mum and dad would want."

"Yeah, thanks." James didn't give much impression that he was listening any more.

"Alright," Remus stared out the window, trying to think of something else to say. "Just let me know if you need anything. Really."

"Thanks Moony." James rolled over and buried his head under the blanket again.

*****

By spring, the Potter affairs were settled. Sirius had secured, with his uncle's money, a flat for himself in London. James would be keeping his house and living there himself, though he confessed that he hoped to have his mates over often. And more than his mates, he hoped that his girlfriend, newly-appointed thus as she was, could also come once or twice. Her parents were under the impression that she was a fragile flower and not a witch with more hexes under her belt than James Potter, so they weren't keen on dropping their eldest daughter off with a boy living alone. It was still under negotiation.

Lily and James had never officially started dating. That first Hogsmeade after the death of Mr. and Mrs. Potter, though, James hadn't even asked her-- nor anyone else-- for a date. Instead, he'd simply intended to not go. He wasn't still moping in bed, but he didn't fancy running around downtown Hogsmeade either. He had memories of his parents there, and didn't think he could stand being around so many happy people. Lily barged into the boys' dorm (ignoring a naked Sirius sleeping on top of his covers) to drag James down to Hogsmeade. She stopped on the way to instruct Remus that he had better do the same, and without preamble or formal announcement, the two mourners and their two insistent partners were on a double date.

News of the event traveled swiftly through the castle, and James declared final victory when Lily stopped snapping, "I am _not_ dating Potter" at inquiring students and starting snapping, "What's it to you?" instead.

James thought she was wonderful, beautiful, powerful, spirited, everything he would ever want in a woman. He loved watching her snap at people.

Sirius, who more frequently than not was the bloke being snapped-at, was less amused, but liked seeing James happy.

Summer of sixth year was spent largely in Sirius' London flat, in various muggle London clubs, and trying out muggle herbs and potions. Sirius spent a good four days on the couch by his reckoning, which Remus pointed out repeatedly could not be possible, as a bloke had to piss, didn't he? Sirius merely stated that, clearly, he did not.

Whenever Lily was involved in these japes, she hissed a lot about how irresponsible they were acting, and how very much they still seemed to need the Potters in their lives. They ignored her.

Peter participated about half the time, claiming that the other half of the time his folks wouldn't let him go. Sirius mentioned to James that the excuse sounded odd because Peter's foks had always been very premissive of him in the past. They shrugged it off.

Their summer spent in the fashion of bohemian wizards came to an abrupt end on the seventh of august, however, when Lily arrived at Sirius' flat holding a muggle paper (her parents had much less problem with her hanging about with gay friends in London than with her boyfriend out in the wilderness) at the same time the Prophet Owl delivered its paper. Lily was commenting on an article involving the mysterious deaths of ten muggles and how it sounded like a certain potion they'd learned about. Remus was commenting that Lily tended to see elements of the wizarding world everywhere in the muggle paper and it was probably just a coincidence. Sirius was asking Lily for the classified, as he had it in his head to get a muggle motorbike.

James held up the prophet. Right across the front page read the headline,

_Muggle Deaths Attributed to Followers of Lord Voldemort_

"Who?" Sirius squinted at the Prophet.

"That's the Dark Lord, you moron," hissed James.

Siruis blanched white "Oh fuck. No."


	26. Peter's First Secret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter explains his mysterious behavior to his friends.

Summer was coming to an end. The mood was a subdued and unhappy one. No one, not even Remus and Lily, who usually pulled impressive grades and considered the library a respectable place to hang out, liked returning to school. Sirius conceded that at least he and Remus could see each other every day, and James made the same point to Lily with a stupid grin, but this year was different. There would be no Potters to see them off at the station. This year was awful.

In addition, the world around them was changing. If you went about your business without paying attention, you might not have noticed, but as the quartet (they were minus Peter, as they were often minus Peter these days, but they'd picked up Lily in his stead) browsed Diagon Alley, they began to whisper compared observances and to make note of the differences between last year and this.

"Say," Lily whispered, "Doesn't he look like an awfully shady character to be hanging about _inside_ Gringotts?"

Later, in Flourish and Blott's, Remus hefted a large red volume and sniffed. "This sort of literature used to be frowned upon, not displayed in the front window."

And when they were walking towards Florean Fortescue's to end their trip, James elbowed Sirius. "Pads, I thought Walburga used all her own chemists?" James pointed towards the Diagon Apothecary from which Walburga, in a sheer purple coat that trailed feet behind her, was emerging. Regulus came after, and then--

"Hey look, Peter!" James said. "Pete!" He jumped up and down

"What's Peter doing with Regulus?" Sirius whispered to Remus.

"I don't think he was _with_ Regulus. I think he merely left the apothecary _behind_ Regulus."

Sirius seemed to agree with that, and the four of them practically ran towards Pete, James called and darting ahead. Walburga caught sight of James, then looked behind him, clearly surveying for Sirius. She found him soon enough and sneered, raising her nose higher.

"I guess I ought to feel touched that I make her act prouder than she does otherwise," smirked Sirius, talking to Remus, though James, Lily, and Peter couldn't help but overhear him.

"Pete, we didn't know you were going to be here today." James clapped Peter on the back, and Regulus, still near in the crowd, visibly jumped.

In the tide of people, Regulus clearly wanted to follow his mother closely. His black robes were done up to his neck with a genuine emerald clasp, and sweat rolled down his temples from the summer heat. Still, he turned sharply and managed to snag Sirius by the arm. "Sirius," Regulus rasped, "It's dad. He's dying." Walburga stopped, just far enough to seem impartial, but just close enough to hear and see the conversation.

Sirius looked down to where Regulus' hand was gripping his own clothes: a brown muggle T-shirt that was exceedingly comfortable if snug on his once-again well-muscled form. Sirius was forced to recall Lily's shock when she'd found out that Regulus hadn't visited him while they were both in the isolation ward with the bird flu. He turned and met Lily's green eyes. They held no sympathy for Regulus, only fierce anger. Sirius thought that he might be in love with Lily Evans.

Then Sirius shook off Regulus' hand. "You arse. I couldn't care less what happens to Orion. My own dad already died, didn't he? Just a couple weeks after I nearly died myself. But I didn't see you talking to me when I was sick, or when Mr. Potter--" Unable to finish the sentence, Sirius simply _shoved_ Regulus, who then tripped back into a passerby. "Shove off," Sirius hissed. "I'd trade the whole lot of you _and_ myself to have the Potters back, so just shut the fuck up and get out of my face, you disgusting excuse for a wizard."

The street around them went quiet. Apparently, the brawl between the Black sons was worth watching. Walburga stepped closer to Regulus, and Sirius suspected that she would intervene before she allowed a scandal. Rather than dragging Regulus away, though, Walburga turned her back to Sirius and whispered to Regulus, "Why didn't you tell me your brother was ill?"

Walburga was not half as quiet as she thought she had been. Sirius heard the words loud and clear. In fact, Sirius was not the only one who heard it.

Lily shot forward like a fire arrow, hair flying out behind her. Sweat stuck coppery strands to her temples. "Sirius wasn't just _sick_. He nearly died. Not like you'd care. Stay away from him!"

James whistled in appreciation, and Sirius even stood back to smirk at Lily, startled and more than a little touched by this display of protectiveness on Lily's part.

Walburga's eyes glittered with anger. Sirius saw just a moment too late what was about to happen. He moved forward to call out as his mother pulled her wand from its usual hiding place-- her bun of black hair. Sirius had long called it "the vulture's nest"; the white wand jutted from it like bleached bone.

It was Remus who had the better angle, the better vantage point, and he yelled and jumped in front of Lily just as Walburga shot a hex right at her. A crimson flash darted from the bone-white wand, hitting Remus square on the shoulder. Remus hissed in pain. The sound was echoed as Sirius jerked, whipping a hand to his shoulder in the same location. Walburga shrieked in frustration and shot another red jet at Remus, but this one seemed to have almost no effect on him, though the cry that issued from Sirius was louder than before.

"What are you doing to them?" Lily shrieked.

James, though, wasted no time with questions. He pushed his way to the front, wand up. Sirius likewise fished his wand from his jeans-pocket, and Lily and Remus were soon drawing theirs. Sirius was panting hard enough that his hair wavered with every breath. He leaned lightly on James beside him. Everyone within twenty feet of them seemed to take a step back, anticipating crossfire.

"You wouldn't dare!" sniffed Walburga.

"Yes, mother, they would," a wide-eyed Regulus, staring straight down the bore of James' wand, answered flatly. "I've tried to tell you before, they've got no sense."

"Be happy to demonstrate... how little sense... I've got," Sirius huffed.

"_You_ needn't. Come on Regulus. We haven't got time to play with filth on the street. Let's go save your father, something the Potter brat couldn't do for his own." Walburga tucked her wand back into her hair and left without another glance in their direction.

Sirius and Regulus traded one last malicious glare before Regulus turned as well.

James swiped his forearm over his forehead. "Lily? You alright?"

"Yeah, it was only Remus--"

"I'm fine," Remus was quick to answer, "but Sirius. How did you--"

"Nothing, 'm fine too," Sirius murmurred, still panting. Remus watched him skeptically as James put an arm around Lily's shoulders. Turning to continue down the street, James nearly ran himself and Lily right into Pete.

"Oi, Peter! I forgot you were there!"

"Yeah, well..." Peter shrugged and looked with concern in the direction the Blacks had gone. "Oh, I've got some," he dug a hand in his pocket, "Anyone want a toffee?"

Lily and Sirius partook, James and Remus didn't.

"Everyone alright then?" Peter's genuine blue eyes were looking up especially at Sirius. "She's quite a nasty bird."

"Yeah, I'm sure her animagus would be a vulture," Sirius laughed.

"Well. Right," Peter smiled hesitantly. "Sorry I missed summer with you all, you know. My folks are being strict again."

"Isn't that odd of them?" Remus asked.

"Well, yeah." Peter shrugged.

"Yeah? And?" James poked Peter fiercely in the shoulder.

"You're keeping something, Wormtail. I can always tell when you're keeping something," Sirius leaned in close to Peter. "I can smell it on you."

"Eh, alright, I'll explain it all, but you have to promise not to get mad."

"Is it something we're likely to get mad about then?" James was tapping his wand idly on a shoulder, probably fully aware of the tiny splay of coppery sparks spilling out of the end with each beat.

"Nothing I've done!" Peter added quickly. "Look, how about we get some ice cream and have a chat?"

"Ice cream sounds good. That's where we were headed before--," Lily sighed.

"Alright, ice cream." James nodded and started toward Fortescue's. Sirius followed, personally eager for a chance to sit down after the secondary hexing he'd just taken.

The day was hot and humid, and the five of them had ordered and mostly eaten their ice cream-- quickly else it would melt-- before Peter had began in earnest on his explanation. When he had begun, it could scarcely be called much of a beginning; he stammered and tried to beg off explaining again, but the group around him was relentless. Finally Peter sighed, tucked in his elbows, and shoved his spent ice cream dish to the side.

"Mum doesn't want me to hang out with you guys. It's not all of you. Really, it's just... Sirius. Mum and Dad think he's a bad influence."

Sirius laughed. "Course I am."

"N-no," Peter stammered, "I mean, like a," he leaned forward conspiratorially to whisper, "Like a _Death Eater_."

Sirius' face clouded over immediately.

"Why?" Remus gasped.

"Please, Pads. It's not me!" Peter begged. Everyone could easily see the coming storm brewing in Sirius' features, and Peter must have considered that he would be the target of this storm.

James groaned and hid behind the remains of his ice cream cone. Lily pulled her eyebrows down to glare at Peter, whispering quietly, "They think _what_?"

Remus reached out and laid a steadying hand on Sirius' shoulder, but whatever he had thought Sirius might do with this bit of news, he was taken entirely by surprise when Sirius stood calmly and walked off.

"What--" James stammered, looking to Remus for an explanation, then looking to Sirius' small cup of abandoned and mostly-melted ice cream, as if maybe _it_ would answer instead.

"It's just my parents," Peter shrugged.

"But why did they suddenly decide that Pads is a Death Eater _now_? He's been a Black all along." James scrunched his forehead.

"Dunno," Peter answered, white-faced. "If I understood, maybe I would explain it to you. I don't, though. Look, I have to go. Please, though, someone tell Sirius I'm sorry. I really don't mean to be blowing you all off, but I thought it wouldn't be fair if I tried to have everyone but Sirius over."

"You're a good man, Peter," Remus answered quietly.

"Alright," Peter's smile was tense. "I really am sorry about them. See you all later." He hopped up and outright scurried away into the crowds swelling into Diagon Alley on this hot summer day.

"Sirius will be fine," Remus answered the silent thought on everyone's mind.

"_Everything_ will turn be fine, as soon as we catch this mad Dark Wizard," James ground out between clenched teeth. Then he shrugged and leaned across the table to swipe Sirius' swiftly-melting ice cream and add it to his own.

*****

School that fall was easily the most polarized and awkward it had ever been. Anyone who mingled with the Slytherins had a shadow of suspicion cast upon them. Peter avoided Sirius, while James, Lily, and Remus hardly left Sirius' side, almost as if they could make up for Peter's behavior. Peter lamented loudly and unhappily about his parents and their stupidity, and then he would disappear for hours at a time.

"Where do you suppose he is?" James asked one night in the common room.

"I imagine he's found new friends," Lily answered, frowning.

"Bugger that. I don't give a fuck where he is," Sirius answered.

"Pads, it's not his fault--" Remus was always trying to smooth over their group dynamics, ease it back into its former perfect mold.

"Oh, like hell it isn't. If I can stand up to my parents, anyone can."

Remus knew that would be all that could be said on the subject, to Sirius. That was really how he saw it. It was why he couldn't give Regulus any slack, as well as why Peter was not subject to his pity. To Sirius, the world boiled down to 'like it or change it.'

Remus knew all too well that there were things you could hate that you nevertheless were powerless to change. But Sirius wouldn't know that, would he? Had he ever failed at something? Really sincerely failed? Remus couldn't think of a time. Until Sirius understood failure, he could never fear it.


	27. No Secrets Among Marauders

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius and Peter make up, James and Lily get engaged, and Severus shows his true colors.

Remus knew it was going to be a bad day as soon as he woke up. His first giveaway was Sirius's dark mood, which he sensed even through his dreams. His second indication was the fact that Sirius was neither in Remus's bed nor in his own. Sirius always slept later than Remus did unless he had mischief planned, and his absence meant that he was no doubt up to no good. The combination of anger and mischief in Sirius Black was deadly, for his quarry at least.

"James?" Remus asked in the quiet room. There was no answer. A tip of his head told him that James was out of bed. "Pete?" Remus murmured.

"Help," a squeak emanated from the ceiling. Remus looked up to see Peter hanging by his feet, naked.

"What are you doing up there?"

"Sirius--"

Remus waved a hand to shush the boy. "Say no more."

"It's a permanent sticking charm," a harsh voice said as the door swung open. "You'll not get him down." Sirius was eying them both with a cold anger that sent bolts of ice through Remus.

"Even you wouldn't be so cruel," Remus said flatly, anticipating an argument.

"Try me," Sirius shrugged.

Peter sniffled pathetically from above. "Sirius, I said I was sorry."

Remus ignored the angry Sirius for a moment and turned back to Peter. "What did you _do_ to him--"

"I said I was sorry," Peter repeated contritely.

Remus didn't need to wait long for the answer, though. Sirius volunteered it before a moment had passed. "He called me a Death Eater. _He_ did, not his da or his mum, but Peter himself did."

Remus looked up, lips drawn into a flat line. "It _may_ be a permanent sticking charm," he told Peter. To Sirius he said doubtfully, "I'm sure he didn't mean it?"

"I didn't!" Peter wailed. "Remus, tell him I didn't mean it."

Remus squinted up but said nothing more. He was rescued from the need to respond by James's bursting through the door.

"Hey Sirius, Remus, Peter," James said nonchalantly, as if one of them were not hanging upside-down starkers by his feet, "Guess who's skiving off Charms?" He grinned. "Lily and I are going on a picnic and I'm going to plan it. I've got the rest of the morning free." He crossed the room and threw his rucksack on the bed before squinting up at Peter. "Oi, Pete, put on some clothes if you're just going to hang around the room."

Remus shifted uncomfortably at that, but Sirius barked an exuberant little laugh. James smiled at Sirius and laughed himself, pleased to have cheered someone else. Then James turned back to Peter. "What _is_ going on? Why are we _all_ skipping class? Don't you think it'll look suspicious?"

Remus cleared his throat and took the silence in the room as his invitation to start talking. "Sirius stuck Peter to the ceiling. As you can see."

"Yeah," James nodded. He pulled his broom out from under his bed and flew up to the top of the room, poking at Peter's feet with his wand. James whistled softly. "Good job here, Padfoot. Just shy of a permanent sticking charm."

Sirius harrumphed. "Should have used a permanent one."

James pointed his wand and whispered under his breath and soon Peter, in his altogether, was sitting astride James's broom, already whimpering more apologies to Sirius.

Sirius, though, simply re-shouldered his own rucksack and left. He exchanged not a word with anyone, but Remus was surprised by what he felt in Sirius-- not lingering anger at all, but shame. Shame over how he had treated his friend, perhaps.

"Sirius forgives you," Remus smiled at Peter. "He's just a bit embarrassed."

"I don't really think he's a Death Eater. I didn't mean to say that. I _know_ he's not a Death Eater. I _know_ he's not." Peter turned pleading eyes at Remus, and Remus clapped him on one shoulder.

"Of course he's not," Remus shrugged, turning to get dressed. "Now, who let me sleep through my first class?"

"Sirius," Peter and James answered in unison.

"I should hang _him_ upside down," Remus muttered, but he was smiling as he said it.

 

*****

Remus and Lily had the same break before Herbology on Tuesdays, and this particular Tuesday found them once again on a walk down by the lake. The weather was cold, so Remus wrapped his woolen shawl around them both. It might have been old and torn in more than one place, but it was incredibly warm. Lily leaned hard against him.

"Remus," she said quietly, "Can I tell you a secret? Do you promise not to tell anyone, not even Sirius?"

Remus thought for a moment before he responded. "Sirius will know if I keep a secret from him."

She nodded. "I know he will, and he'll likely badger you for it, but I'm just busting to tell _someone_, and I don't trust anyone more than you."

"Sure you do. Tell James," Remus suggested.

"Oh! I don't mean-- Well, you see, he already knows. The secret is about _us_."

By this point, Remus could see that Lily was going to divulge the secret to him no matter his warnings about Sirius. "I'll do my best not to tell," Remus offered.

"That's all I ask," she said, smiling up at him. She stopped walking. Her smile grew as she leaned towards Remus. "James is going to ask me to marry him!"

Remus had to admit that for a moment he was at a loss for words. When he finally spoke, what came out, completely unbidden, was, "But you're both _so young_!"

Lily wacked him lightly. "Look who's talking. You've been a married man long enough for the Honeymoon to wear off."

Remus found himself blushing. "It hasn't quite worn off yet," he admitted.

Lily giggled. "Anyway, we don't mean-- nothing as complicated at that. Not that I don't admire what you and Sirius have done. I think in his own way Sirius needed that. Kind of--"

"Yeah, I get it," Remus nodded. "He is afraid of being abandoned, and now he can't be. He _did_ need it."

Lily nodded. "Personally, the idea of losing my privacy sounds revolting. I don't know how you can stand it."

"Oh..." Remus smiled. "You get used to it."

"James is just saving up for a ring. He told me because he wanted to know what kind I wanted." Her cheeks were flushed with exuberance.

"That's wonderful." Remus squeezed her shoulder. He really meant it, too. He hoped James didn't wait too long; a woman like Lily was a once-in-a-lifetime pull. Then again, James had to know that if anyone did.

"Remember, don't tell Sirius. James wants to," Lily pleaded.

"On my honor."

*****

Sirius flopped down on Remus's bed after dinner that evening, poked Remus playfully on the stomach, and asked right out, "So, Moony, what are you not telling me?"

"I'm leaving you for Griselda Vane," Remus answered flatly. James looked up from where he was folding laundry.

"Oi you can't, I already left you for her," Sirius joked.

"Dinnertime," James chimed. Perhaps he was sensing that Lily had confided in Remus and was trying to break up the inquisition. Perhaps his stomach was simply insistent. Either way, Remus was grateful, as Sirius dropped the subject in lieu of food.

*****

It wasn't very long before James and Sirius had their own secret. James had asked Sirius on a late fall walk behind the school, and the pair climbed a little hillock into the familiar territory of the Forbidden Forest.

"I've got something important to ask you," James started, clearly nervous.

"Yeah, whatever," Sirius responded as though he had no idea that James was flustered.

"I'm going to ask Lily to marry me."

Sirius did stop walking when he heard that. "Really?" His brow lowered.

"Yeah, really. Why? Why are you giving me that look?"

Do you mean 'marry' or '_marry_'?"

"I'm not taking part in any dangerous and dubious soul magic if that's what you're asking."

"It's not dubious," Sirius answered.

"It's not obviously Dark, I'll give you that. But no, I'm going to be a decent man, buy a ring and all."

Sirius looked away, eyes scanning the trees, not sure what to say. He felt childish and awkward, even though he was the married man here. Something in James's words, though, bothered Sirius. Did James think the bond he shared with Remus was 'dubious'? James's statement seemed to imply that what Sirius and Remus had was somehow less meaningful than a frilly white dress wedding. "You know," Sirius started, just a bit angry now, "Remus and I can't do the whole ring and dress and cake charade, can we? So we do what we can, and here you are, knocking what we do."

"Whoa whoa! I didn't knock anything," James protested.

"You _did_."

"Merlin. Sorry!" James shrugged and shoved his hands into the pockets of his robe. "Sorry. I... didn't mean to. Sorry Pads."

"S'alright," Sirius muttered.

"I was going to ask if you'd be best man," James said, sullen now.

Sirius turned and smiled. "Of course."

James returned the smile, and the two walked on in silence for a while before James said, softly, "I really miss mum and dad."

"Yeah," Sirius agreed. "They'd have wanted to see you get married. They wouldn't have believed it otherwise!"

James laughed. "Too right."

Sirius slapped James on the shoulder, and everything seemed to have been said between them. They had just turned back towards the school when, suddenly, a glint of liquid crimson caught Sirius's attention. Before he could even say anything about it, though, James seemed to notice it as well.

"What--" James pushed aside a pile of leaves and gasped when he saw what it was hiding.

Sirius felt his stomach drop. There, under the pile, was a wolf. Not a werewolf, thank Merlin, but a true wolf. It was dead, covered by a criss-cross of slashes. There was blood everywhere.

"Merlin--"

"Jesus Christ."

Both boys stared in abject horror. It was clear, at least, that the poor animal had not died quickly. It had bled to death. Slowly, probably in great agony.

"Who would do this?" James gasped.

Sirius merely growled. He had no proof, but he was sure that he knew. He knew who would target a wolf. Knew who was so deeply entangled in the Dark Arts to know a spell like this. Sirius knew.

*****

No words were exchanged between Sirius and Peter, no deep conversation, but the distance between them healed swiftly after Sirius hung Peter by the feet. This made sense to Remus; Sirius was always the sort that just needed to vent his frustrations. Remus had felt the embarrassment that Sirius had tried so hard to hide after that particular incident. Sirius, though, was too proud to apologize.

Peter apologized enough for both of them, so much that it became an annoying drone. But it seemed that the apology was working, because one day over dinner, Sirius snapped at Peter, saying, "Just shut it already. No one's mad at you any more."

"I know you're not a Death Eater," Peter repeated, voice earnest.

"We all know he's not," James sighed. "But I'll tell you who might be..."

"James," Sirius said, voice grave. Remus felt a strange niggling sensation that told him that Sirius had a secret. Sirius leaned closer to the table, speaking to James alone when he said, "Let's not. Don't--"

"Sirius and I found a dead wolf," James interrupted, eyes flashing angrily at Sirius. "We don't keep secrets among Marauders."

Sirius slumped back. Remus exchanged a worried glance with Peter.

"I think it was Snivellus," James finished.

"Up to his nose in the Dark Arts, that one," Sirius said, recovered now from his wounded pride.

"What makes you think it didn't die of natural causes?" Remus asked.

"It didn't," James answered in a tone that brooked no argument.

"Thing was slashed all over by severing charms."

"You can't assume--" Peter started, but he clamped his mouth shut, perhaps realizing that he was treading a fine line. Sirius and James did not like to be refuted.

"I can and I am," Sirius said flatly. He jammed a boiled potato in his mouth as if to punctuate his remark.

Remus sat back and sighed. He could feel Sirius's conviction, and for once he didn't disagree. Severus, perhaps more so than anyone, would target a wolf intentionally. He might even hope for them to find it. Was it a message? "Do you think he meant it to be found?" Remus asked.

Sirius shook his head, and James said, "Don't think so."

"Why a wolf then?" Remus pondered.

"Hates them," Sirius responded, and Remus didn't argue.

"I hate _him_," Peter said, puffing himself up as if he were proud of this fact.

Sirius reached out then across the table and patted Peter on the shoulder. "There's a good mate," Sirius smiled.

And just like that, every trifle that had stood between Sirius and Peter was dissolved. They were, after all, Marauders, and they stood together.


	28. Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas smut.

The next Hogsmeade weekend passed without as much fanfare as previous weekends. The student body had grown accustom to not only Remus and Sirius's relationship, but also to James and Lily's. The four of them went out most Hogsmeades together now. Peter tagged along just because he had nowhere better to be, but even Peter had the good sense to get lost for a while. He'd left the four lovebirds at the Three Broomsticks, claiming he had some friends to meet. Of course, the Marauders all knew that must be a lie; Peter hadn't any other friends.

Anyone who saw Peter slipping into the Hog’s Head with Regulus Black might have disagreed, but no one paid much attention to Peter Pettigrew.

Sunday night, once tored Hogwarts students had worn themselves out at Hogsmeade weekend and taken to their bunks, ithe four Marauders sat in the abandoned common room to recount their Hogsmeade victories. Sirius had a new bottle of firewhiskey and some top-of-the-line dungbombs. Remus had more sugarquills, ice mice, and a new quill. James had his own stash of candy and dungbombs, though his primary victory was the smile on Lily’s face when he’d bought her a kneazle. She could keep it at Hogwarts for the time being, and James had offered to take care of it over breaks until they had their own place. At last, they all turned to Peter to see what he had bought.

"I got a sneakoscope at Zonko's," Peter answered, "But I think it's broken. Look, it keeps going off." He handed the offending object to Sirius as the four boys sat around the fireplace in Gryffindor tower. Sirius passed Peter his bottle of firewhiskey, and Peter took a deep sip.

The sneakoscope in Sirius's palm hollered its alarm. "It senses that I want to kill you for drinking too much of my whiskey," Sirius scoffed, passing it back.

“Yeah,” James nodded, “It’s probably broken. If those things worked half as well as advertised, we wouldn’t need Defense class.” Once James said it, it held the weight of _truth_, and Peter tucked it away and settled back with some more of Sirius’s firewhiskey.

*****

That fall went quickly, and even the Marauders were distracted from their hijinks by the impending N.E.W.T.s. It was simply impossible _not_ to worry about them; too much rested on them. Remus, for his part, had no ideas regarding future employment, so it would have been easy for him to claim that _nothing_ rested on his N.E.W.T.s, but even he knew that wasn’t the case. If he ever _did_ seek employment in the wizarding world, he would need to have N.E.W.T. scores far exceeding the usual candidates. He couldn’t skim by with anything ‘average’, as wizarding law required anyone with an infectious disease such as lycanthropy or vampirism to disclose their medical status to potential employers. Wizarding law did not, of course, protect Remus from prejudice based on his medical status. It made Remus angry if he thought about it too hard-- it always had-- so he made a practice of not thinking about it much at all. Fighting generations of fear against his kind (and not all of it unjustified) would be more futile than fighting the waxing of the Moon.

Though Remus didn’t like staying at Hogwarts over Christmas, he wondered if it might be for the best so that he could study for the all-important exam. Remus adored his family and their traditions, and the cold silence of the castle during holidays was the complete opposite of the warmth and joy of Christmas at home. All of Remus’s friends were going home, so his time at the castle really would be lonely. For several weeks leading up to the Christmas holidays, Remus debated between staying in the castle and studying, or studying at home.

Remus grudgingly decided that he would head home and try to bring some books to revise over Christmas. He had wanted to spend the holiday with Sirius, but though Remus wasn’t even sure what Sirius was doing for the holiday, Sirius had already declared that he wasn’t staying in the castle. Remus couldn’t help being disappointed, though he wasn’t likely to get many revisions done with Sirius around either. Remus hadn’t asked Sirius what his plans were. Since it didn’t involve him, he felt he was better off not knowing. In the past, Sirius would surely have been with the Potters for the holidays, but this Christmas would be the first since their untimely deaths.

Now, though, Hogwarts and Remus’s relationship with Sirius both were imbued with a sense of deadline, a terminator closing in on their school days-- and perhaps not _only_ on their school days. Remus loved Sirius with an inevitable permanence, and knew those feelings were returned, but neither had spoken of what would happen once they graduated from Hogwarts. They were, in a very real and magical sense, married, so it stood to reason they would be living together. Remus, however, had to remind himself of this fact more and more frequently as graduation loomed. Sirius had never spoken about life after Hogwarts, and Remus refused to. After all, Remus could not offer anything: he couldn’t pay even a dime of rent without an income, and he doubted he could secure an income. Perhaps the fragility of their future together was why Remus mourned the lost time of Christmas hols so badly.

Remus’s lonely Christmas plans came crumbling down just a week before the Christmas holiday. James was proudly bragging about the fact that he was spending Christmas at Lily’s house, though her parents were insisting on separate rooms. “Never fear, though, mates,” James said animatedly, “You know no Muggle lock can keep me from my love.” He winked at Sirius.

Sirius suddenly radiated an intense pride. His chest seemed to visibly puff with the sensation. “Must be pretty rotten not being married,” he said with a touch of humor. “While you spend all Christmas trying to break into Lily’s bedroom under the nose of her snotty sister, Moony and I will be shagging on every available surface.”

Remus’s response left his mouth almost before he felt the confusion. “We will?” he asked.

Sirius turned to him, eyebrows furled. Remus could feel his own confusion echoed in Sirius’s emotions. “I mean,” Remus stuttered, “I told my parents I was coming home for Christmas.”

Disappointment roiled off of Sirius, and Remus was quick to reply to the unspoken sentiment. “I would _rather_ stay with you! I just didn’t know I was invited.”

Sirius rolled his eyes, and even James and Peter seemed a bit shocked by this. “Moony,” James said, “You practically lived with Sirius over summer holiday. Why would you not be invited now? You prat.”

Remus blushed. “I better owl my parents,” he mused quietly.

“Yeah, you better,” Sirius answered, and he threw a quill and parchment towards Remus’s bed. Remus didn’t have to be invited twice. He set straight away to writing.

*****

It was Christmas day, but for once Sirius was not eager to open his presents, not when his very best present of all was already here with him. The bed was large enough for them both, and not by coincidence; Sirius had bought it to share. Even so, they didn’t take up the whole thing. Sirius curled around Remus’s warm back. They were both starkers and the flat was cold, but layers of warm blankets kept the bed cozy. Even though Remus hadn’t stirred or said a word, Sirius knew he was awake. He would have known even if they had been apart. If you asked him just how he knew, the explanation defied him. That was true of much of their relationship now; it was subconscious and inexplicable. “Happy Christmas,” Sirius mumbled into Remus’s soft brown hair.

At first, Remus did not respond. Then he mumbled over his shoulder “‘M asleep.”

“Like hell you are,” Sirius laughed. His roving fingers found Remus’s sides and danced there, hoping to tickle. Unfortunately, Remus’s scarred skin was not as ticklish as most people’s, and Remus quickly flipped and moved his own fingers on Sirius’s side. Sirius was soon in stitches, curled in a ball and yelling “Uncle!”

“Don’t start what you can’t finish,” Remus said with a straight face, though Sirius could feel his light humour dancing underneath that smooth surface.

Sirius, in response, swung a leg over Remus until he was sitting astride the other boy. His cock was morning-hard and ready to go. “Oh, I can finish,” Sirius assured Remus.

Sirius could tell that Remus was as aroused as he was. If his mind hadn’t told him so, the hard cock under his arse would have anyway. It wasn’t the wrestling that had done it, not really, at least not for Sirius. It was simply being able to wake up in the same bed as Remus, to have their time and space all to themselves. It had been too long.

Sirius’s statement had clearly had an effect on Remus as well, who sat up underneath Sirius. When Remus spoke, Sirius thought he might come from the words alone. “Then give me your arse, you cockwhore.” A shiver of humor lay under the words, and Sirius laughed aloud as he flung himself back down onto the bed, arse held high in the air, blankets a crumpled mess at the foot of the bed by now.

Remus wasted little time, and for that Sirius was nothing if not grateful. Remus fumbled towards the nightstand where the little jar of oil hid. Sirius could hear Remus struggle with the small cork; the bottle was greasy from much use. Finally, he felt the cool oil dripping down his arse-crack. Remus spread the oil with two winter-cold fingers. When one of those fingers detoured to enter him, Sirius’s breath and hips both hitched. ”Sorry,” Remus muttered.

“Don’t be,” Sirius answered firmly. “It feels brilliant.”

Sirius heard the little glass jar of oil hit the hardwood floor and roll before a second finger joined the first inside of him. He groaned and pushed back into the building pressure. Remus moved his hand, and Sirius’s body moved in counterpoint. Soon, it was Remus’s cock pushing against Sirius’s entrance, and Sirius pushed back into Remus, opening himself mentally and physically to Remus’s presence. Remus groaned as he slipped inside, and it didn’t take long for the two of them to set up a steady rhythm. Sirius was in the habit of grunting with each thrust, whereas Remus was his usual quiet self. Remus’s right hand was not quiet, though; the slap of flesh as it gripped Sirius’s cock was just audible over Sirius’s own grunts.

Sirius came quickly with a long groan, his head arching up as if he were preparing to howl at the Moon. Remus came a moment later with a soft gasp. They moved together for a second longer until Remus had completely spent himself into Sirius, and then they stilled. Remus slipped out of Sirius, and Sirius collapsed to the sheets, already laughing. “Merry Christmas to me,” Sirius said as he grinned up at Remus.

Remus laughed self-consciously in response and flopped down on the bed next to Sirius. He spared no time in pulling the blankets back up over them as the cold air surrounded them. Sirius was happy for the warmth and burrowed under the blankets until only the trip of his nose showed over the blanket. In moments, Remus and Sirius were both sound asleep. Christmas morning could wait.

*****

Christmas Day itself was less exciting than Christmas morning had been. Sirius and Remus had already decided not to exchange gifts. Sirius did wake up to make them breakfast, though his cooking skills and spells were not exactly up to par. Remus, though, was genuinely grateful. Sirius was glad that he could tell as much.

After breakfast, the couple dressed and began the rounds of Floo calls: Remus’s parents, and James and Lily at Lily’s parents’ place.

Lily, eyes concerned, broke in over James’s shoulder. “Are you sure you don’t want to come here for dinner? My parents wouldn’t mind,” she assured them.

Remus and Sirius both politely excused themselves from Christmas dinner, though. They had other plans. Namely, they had a plan to have no plans at all.

A light snow dusted the world outside of Sirius’s flat. The heat was a bit lower than either of them would have liked so they camped next to a radiator with a blanket. Sirius left once to get take-away Chinese. If they had been younger-- the excited youths of previous Christmas’s-- it would have been interminably boring. Perhaps it was a sign of how much they had grown that doing nothing together had become the perfect Christmas.


End file.
